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Thread: Some Chuck Norris Jokes

  1. #1

    Some Chuck Norris Jokes

    • Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
      and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

      If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

      If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

      On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

      Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

      When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

      It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

      Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

      Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

      God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

      Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

      When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

      Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

      A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

      Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

      Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

      Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

      Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

      Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

      If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

      Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

      Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

      When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

      We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

      Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

      In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

      Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

      If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
      Chuck Norris

      Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

      Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

      In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

      Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

      Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

      Chuck Norris invented water.

      Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

      One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

      Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
      symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

      Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

      Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

      Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

      Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

      In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

      Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

    { Recieved Via Email }

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Pacific Northwest
    Chuck Norris never smoked cigs, just Hiway Flares.
    Connection refused, try again later.

  3. #3
    Right turn Clyde Nokia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Button Moon
    Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.


  4. #4
    Hoopy Frood
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Your timing is peculiarly odd, in my circumstance. I just wrote a paper (along with 5 other guys) on this very subject (The Chuck Norris Version of Cinderella) just tonight and then just now found your post.

    - Xierox
    "Personality is only ripe when a man has made the truth his own."

    -- Søren Kierkegaard

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    whats the deal with chuck.

    for all the facts go here. 9 pages of Chuck:

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    I don't get it, what's the deal with chuck norris? Why are there so many jokes about him? There are people in my school that always tell jokes with chuck norris... I don't get it, anyone care to fill me in?
    I am the uber duck!!1
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  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    No answers?
    I am the uber duck!!1
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  8. #8

    The duck i take it that you have not seen many chuck norris shows...
    Watch a few and you should understand why there are so many jokes made about him.


  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    he's ridiculously cheesy/ corny in all his movies and shows

    then he's went and done infomercials

  10. #10
    T̙͓̞̣̯ͦͭͅͅȂͧͭͧ̏̈͏̖̖Z̿ ͆̎̄
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Chuck Norris, Jet Li, Van Damme, Bruce Lee, and Jackie Chan were going down in a plane and crashed in the jungle...
    then a tiger spotted them and off they took as fast as they could go...
    but the tiger was faster...
    so Jackie Chan said ' I will stay back and fight the tiger while you get away "
    and offf they ran...
    the tiger kills and eats Jackie and catches up to them...
    Bruce Lee says ' I will stay back and fight the tiger while you get away "
    and off they ran...
    the tiger kills and eats Bruce and catches up to them...
    Jet Li yells ' I will stay back and fight the tiger while you get away "
    and off they ran...
    the tiger kills and eats Jet and catches up to them...
    Chuck Norris pulls out a gun and shoots Van Damme and the tiger..
    Van Damme says " why did you shoot me and why didn't you shoot the tiger and save their lives? "
    Chuck Norris replies " there's only room for one washed up martial artist in this Hollywood

    stupid joke..

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