Since My Valentine Got A Computer
Since my Valentine got a computer,
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important,
Unless itís a byte or a bit.
Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we canít talk
Unless we both go online.
"But honey," I said, "Iím attached to you;
Love is what I feel."
"That keyword isnít relevant,"
She said, with eyes of steel.
She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:
"Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU."
"Donít flame me, my sweet," I pleaded.
"Not on Valentineís Day."
"Fix the bugs, and Iíll see," she said,
While looking at me with dismay.
"What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
Iíll upload or download anything,
And then Iíll go install it."
(Her hostile CD keeps replaying,
And though I donít want to fight her,
Is this what I want for a Valentine?
Iíve been burned; can I rewrite her?)
"Are you all hard drive now," I asked;
"Is there no software in you?
Donít you remember the good times?
Let our memories see us through."
"LOL," she said to me, chuckling.
"Youíre nothing but adware.
Iíve got a gig of memory;
Iíve got no problem there."
"Please, honey, we can save it," I said.
"Our love means more than that."
"Thatís not in my cache; weíre going to crash,"
She said, as she turned me down flat.
(This woman has really changed;
Do I really want to chase her?
More and more Iím thinking
It might be nice to erase her.)
"Aw, honey, donít talk like that," I said.
"Canít we just plug and play?
I hereby accept default,
And Iím yours, my love, come what may.
"My goal is to make you happy;
I want to be your portal,
But your sudden, distant coldness
Would test the strongest mortal.
"If we need a brand new interface,
So we can FTP,
Iím your go along, get along guy,
And I want you to stay with me."
"If you want to get into my favorites," she said,
And you want to get past my encryption,
If you want to get through my firewall,
Here is my only prescription.
"First, put up your own Web site,
And e-mail me when itís done.
Iíll check your page rank with Google,
And tell you if youíre the one."
My life has become quite a trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.
If I want her to care about me again,
I guess Iíll have to reboot her.
- By J. Fuchs