Only a guy would do this...
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  1. #1

    Only a guy would do this...


    Subject: Fw: Only a guy would do this!

    > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a man who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

    "Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
    > WAY TOO COOL!!!!
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that i f I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to " mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.! A three second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    > Still in shock,

    > Tommy"

  2. #2
    AO's Resident Redneck The Texan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    electricity+bare skin= not good
    Git R Dun - Ty
    A tribe is wanted

  3. #3
    AO Ancient: Team Leader
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    This is why you check for an electric wire with the _back_ of your hand... _NOT_ the palm side... 'Cos, you see, if it is electrified your hand will close on it... which is bad for your health... The back won't... It still hurts... but not for as long...
    Don\'t SYN us.... We\'ll SYN you.....
    \"A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools.\" - Thucydides

  4. #4
    Senior Member gore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Originally posted here by The Texan
    electricity+bare skin= not good
    That's your opinion. Electricity is always a friend to bastards. See this guy here is lucky I wasn't there. Lol would have super glued it to his ass. And of course taped the button down. Lol I want a taser.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Pacific Northwest
    Thanks all, I just spit my drink all over the monitor from laughing...I owe ya's one for that! I'll go buy a taser.

    Connection refused, try again later.

  6. #6

    - does controlled self tasering create any kind of high?

    - would you support tasering Burtuzzi the next time he got out hand at an NHL game?

    - should tasering be used in regilious ceremonies?

    -does tazering enhance positive self talk techniques ie. does it effectively increase self esteem

    - should tasering be used as an adjunct weapons option in paint ball

    - why has no prominant western philosopher ever even mentioned tasers let alone discussed their impact on post modern culture?

    -is it true that the taser is a latvian invention?

    - should tasers be used instead of clubs during the annual seal hunt?

    - what would the function of a teaser-taser be?

    - is the taser-depot really the best place to purchase one?

    - would you support creating a national taser registry in canada?

    -do tasers have any role in the routine post mortem examination?

    -do you think that toy tasers should be sold in the same department store sections as toy guns?

    -has the taser in your opinion really made the world a better place ?
    ie taser friend or foe?

    - why the hell would anyone ask these questions- do they constitute a coded message of some kind?

    - if the bible is the word of god why are tasers never mentioned in it? not even in the dead sea scrolls?

    - has any pop song ever been written about tasers?

    - related question to the bible one above- what is the arramaic word for taser?

    - has tasering anyone ever caused them to speak in tongues?

    - are the tasers sold at the dollar store any good?

    - how old should a child be before they are old enough to know that such a thing a taser exits in the world?

    - has considering these questions made you anxious in any way?

    - does tasering enhance athletic performance?

  7. #7
    AO Ancient: Team Leader
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Methinks Attitude has waaaaay too much time on his nads and needs to get a proper job...
    Don\'t SYN us.... We\'ll SYN you.....
    \"A nation that draws too broad a difference between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting done by fools.\" - Thucydides

  8. #8

    Oh the joys of the tasser world. When they were purchasable in Aus, me and buddies used to do all sorts of crazy things with them. And shocking each other by suprise was one of those hobbies.

    Get a person drunk or high and then give 'em a jolt from a tasser, the results are always amusing..

    thanks for sharing attitude, enjoyed it thoroughly.


  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2004


    ok now for the video


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