French Jokes
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  1. #1
    Right turn Clyde Nokia's Avatar
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    French Jokes

    O man, these made me chuckle! - No offence intended to anyone here who is french of course!



    "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

    "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

    "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

    "As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

    "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

    "They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

    "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

    "I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

    "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

    How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

    An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
    Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.

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  2. #2
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
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    ROFLMAO.....That Google search sums it all up.......
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  3. #3
    Priapistic Monk KorpDeath's Avatar
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    Who are you kidding? They should take offence, cause they certainly won't change. The sad thing is these wouldn't be as funny if they weren't so true.

    I especially love Chirac's quote, that should be put on their new flag. A white flag with that quote on it, it'd perfect.
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  4. #4
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    Re: French Jokes

    The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq

    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France
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  5. #5
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    That Google thing still works. Probably why Chirac thinks France should create it's own version of Google.


  6. #6
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
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    Lol...I had to keep trying that on Google..and then I found this, figures it was a Canuk who created it.....

    Internet Parody Hands French Military a Defeat
    by Richard J. Dalton Jr
    Newsday, March 13, 2003

    The French always end up as military toast, or so it seems from a search on the popular Google search engine. But a miffed Canadian student is actually behind a prank that says no documents are found in a Google search for "French military victories."

    The search brings up a page that asks: "Did you mean 'french military defeats.'"

    The French did win some wars. In fact, Google lists about 63,100 pages of French military victories.

    But a Web page says no documents are found when searching for "French military victories" using Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, which bypasses the list of search results and jumps directly to the first Web page in the list.

    That happens to be a mock-up page of Google, suggesting a search for "french military defeats." The large Google logo at the top tends to distract Web surfers from the address in the Web browser: www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html.

    Steve Lerner, a 22-year-old Toronto student, said he created the page as "a humorous way of showing political opposition against France's weaseling."

    Lerner said he received 50,000 hits in 18 hours on Tuesday, before the site went down for technical reasons unrelated to the large volume of Web traffic. He said it will be back up by the weekend or sooner.

    Lerner said he managed to make the page the first search result by listing "French military victories" in several key areas. But Google claims its complex search methods make human tampering with search results difficult.

    Lerner hasn't heard from Google, and chances are he won't.

    A spokesman for Google , based in Mountain View, Calif., had no comment. But the search engine generally turns its back on parodies, recognizing that eventually the pages will be less visible as they fall down further in the search engine's results list.
    parody
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  7. #7
    They call me the Hunted foxyloxley's Avatar
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    Further to the idea that the Google search is a mock up, I give you a condensed version of the French military history :Viola:
    It is said that we should always see the future by learning from the past !!

    Have a laugh.........
    The military history of France:

    Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

    Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

    War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

    The Dutch War - Tied.

    War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

    American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

    French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

    The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

    The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

    World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

    War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

    Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?"
    and this :
    Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once"

    just been found, and de-classified - the proof France WAS going to help in Iraq :
    Subject
    Fw: Breaking New from the SKY News
    team:

    Breaking New from the SKY News team:

    PARIS, FRANCE - President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two elite units of French troops to Iraq in the event of war.

    Five hundred crack troops from the 2nd Groupement d'Instruction en Abandonment are mobilizing to assist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender.

    "The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defense Ministry spokesperson General de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes.

    "There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining arrogant, pompous and insufferable requires experience and training. The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly. The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself. The Iraqi performance in giving up without a fight during the last Gulf War was commendable but slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for the next war."

    General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1000 advisors from the Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force.

    "It is more important to protect their art treasures than to defend their honor," the General pointed out. The General also expressed the hope that Baghdad has some tree-lined boulevards. "It was our experience that the Germans liked to march in
    the shade, and we feel the Americans and the British might like that same measure of comfort in Iraq-especially as warm weather settles in this spring."
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  8. #8
    Right turn Clyde Nokia's Avatar
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    How can you always spot a french soldier?

    He is the one with sunburnt armpits!
    Drugs have taught an entire generation of kids the metric system.

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  9. #9
    They call me the Hunted foxyloxley's Avatar
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    Raise one hand if you like the French .........

    Raise BOTH hands if you ARE French
    55 - I'm fiftyfeckinfive and STILL no wiser,
    OLDER yes
    Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's
    come and waste the day :P at The Taz Zone

  10. #10
    HeadShot Master N1nja Cybr1d's Avatar
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    When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
    Sorry couldn't resist

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