ireland declares war on france.
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Thread: ireland declares war on france.

  1. #1
    AO Guinness Monster MURACU's Avatar
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    ireland declares war on france.

    Ireland Declares War on France

    Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
    telephone rings.

    "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down
    at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
    are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
    your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
    me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
    from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
    army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
    still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
    5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
    150,000 since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
    still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
    McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
    four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

    Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
    you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
    bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
    since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
    Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
    heart?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
    decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
    \"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
    \"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
    Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)

  2. #2
    Senior Member nihil's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a bookmaker's in Newmarket on Fergus and asks for the odds for Clare to win the all Ireland Hurling.................they had not done so for 83 years.......................the odds were 100:1

    So he took IRP100 worth, given that the guy had a 10,000 limit....................

    And I married the girl as well

    But I think that the big guys out in the yard were toads, not frogs?


  3. #3
    AO Guinness Monster MURACU's Avatar
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    Clare winning the all Ireland hurling that does belong in the humor section .
    Lets see you win a 100:1 bet that is nearly miraculous, Clare winning the all Ireland hurling is miraculous and you getting the Girl must have been divine intervention. People have been beatified for less. Guess we shall have to call you Saint Nihil
    \"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
    \"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
    Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)

  4. #4
    Senior Member nihil's Avatar
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    My dear friend,

    I got 10,000 Punts (yes, it was back then) and the girl..............wife #3

    Next best was Clare v Cork with the big ball...................20:1

    They were drunk in Ennis for a week!



    OH!.............and my nephew's first serious ride, but I only got twelves there.................

  5. #5
    AO Guinness Monster MURACU's Avatar
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    Next best was Clare v Cork with the big ball...................20:1
    That was a fix. Clare should never have beaten us......... the referee porbably placed the same bet.
    \"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
    \"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
    Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)

  6. #6
    In real life, the Irish would EASILY be able to invade France. As soon as Irish soldiers - all 14 of them - land in France, the French will surrender.

  7. #7
    AO Soccer Mom debwalin's Avatar
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    So Paddy and Seamus go into a pet shop they go to the avian section. Dats dem dere says Paddy, yes I tink you're right said Seamus.

    Paddy shouts to the shopkeeper. We'll have four of dese please. Stick em in a bag for us will ya.

    Having made their purchase, they take a walk to a very high railway viaduct. Seamus takes two birds. Puts one one each shoulder and jumps ..................................Splat strawberry jam and feathers all over the place .

    Fock dat says Paddy if dats budgie jumpin dey can focking keep it
    Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

  8. #8
    They call me the Hunted foxyloxley's Avatar
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    Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
    "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
    "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
    Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
    "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,





    "Miles, from Dublin.
    55 - I'm fiftyfeckinfive and STILL no wiser,
    OLDER yes
    Beware of Geeks bearing GIF's
    come and waste the day :P at The Taz Zone

  9. #9
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    Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
    in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
    forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
    "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
    arm."
    A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
    palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
    phone I have a microchip in my hand."
    Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So...
    as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as
    impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns
    with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their
    eyebrows.


    "Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."

  10. #10
    The ******* Shadow dalek's Avatar
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    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
    PC Registered user # 2,336,789,457...

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