A few amusing ones.
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Thread: A few amusing ones.

  1. #1

    Wink A few amusing ones.

    ----- The moral of the story is .........

    The teacher gave her class an assignment.
    Get their parents to tell them
    a story with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day the kids
    came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Michael said, "My father's a farmer
    and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
    One time we were taking our eggs to market
    in a basket on the front seat of the car
    when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
    eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

    "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    Very good," said the teacher.


    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
    "Our family are farmers too.
    But we raise chickens for the meat market.
    had a dozen eggs one time,
    but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
    and the moral to this story is,
    "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Sarah"


    "Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen.
    Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
    She had to bail out over enemy territory
    all she had was a bottle of whisky,
    a machine gun
    and a machete.

    She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break
    and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
    bullets.
    Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
    And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
    "what kind of moral did
    your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


    "Stay the f**k away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking."

  2. #2
    USMC PRESS CONFERENCE

    For the few of you who missed him, R. Lee Ermey is the host of The
    History Channel's "Mail Call" and played the Drill Instructor in the
    movie, "Full Metal Jacket." He is a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant and a
    very plain speaker, as you will soon read.

    So, for your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R.
    Lee Ermey at his first press conference.The main topic of discussion is
    the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death. We pick up as the
    reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image in
    the world:

    Ermey: "What kind of a pansy-assed question is that?"

    Reporter 1: "Well I think...."

    Ermey: "THINK, Fancy boy?! Get this through that septic tank on top of
    your shoulders, moron: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU
    UNDERSTAND ME??? That Marine shot an ENEMY COMBATANT, SHITHEAD; SO GET
    YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN
    PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!!

    Next question: You in the blue suit."

    Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is
    important?

    Ermey: "Oh sure! You don't know the times I have cried myself to sleep
    worrying about what some goddamned French pansy thinks! Oh the days I have
    had to weep because some sh*t eating terrorist ****er might be mad at us,
    because we went into whatever god forsaken hole in the sh*t that he lives
    in and killed him.

    WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS??
    WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING
    TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO
    PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE!!

    YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT
    I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE SENSITIVE"
    TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING
    PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A
    DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK
    ON MAMMA'S TIT!! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT?? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS
    ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING sh*t OUT OF YOU!!!

    Next question: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE. LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS
    HIDEOUS."

    Reporter: 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by..."

    Ermey: "FREEDOM?? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE
    SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION!! WHAT
    IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE sh*t-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE
    LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE
    UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE
    ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN
    ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I
    AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMBNUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC,
    ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY
    OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT
    CHICKEN-sh*t PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE
    ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!"

    Reporter: 3: "I..."

    Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING,
    NUMBNUTS?I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY-HOLE IN
    THAT sh*t-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU
    PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY
    BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

  3. #3
    You gotta love Australian Women



    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their

    new wives duties.



    Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told

    his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it
    took

    a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the

    dishes were all washed and put away.



    Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given

    his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
    cooking.

    He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day

    it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,

    and he had a huge dinner on the table.



    The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told

    her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
    mowed,

    laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first

    day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by

    the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

    out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

    dishwasher, and call a landscaper.



    You gotta love Australian Women

  4. #4

    Subject:letter from Michael Moore to GW

    Subject:letter from Michael Moore to GW



    Date:Fri, 2 Sep 2005 13:16:16 -0700 (PDT)

    Friday, September 2nd, 2005

    Dear Mr. Bush:

    Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of
    Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New
    Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could
    you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you
    need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears
    parking lot. Man, was that a drag.
    Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers
    are? We could really use them right now for the type
    of thing they signed up to do like helping with
    national disasters. How come they weren't there to
    begin with?
    Last Thursday I was in south Floridaand sat outside
    while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my
    head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty
    nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were
    still homes without power. That night the weatherman
    said this storm was on its way to New Orleans . That
    was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't
    want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you
    don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers
    to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and
    smear. You sure showed her!
    I especially like how, the day after the hurricane,
    instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego
    to party with your business peeps. Don't let people
    criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was
    over and what the heck could you do, put your finger
    in the dike?
    And don't listen to those who, in the coming days,
    will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army
    Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer
    for the third year in a row. You just tell them that
    even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees,
    there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix
    them anyway because you had a much more important
    construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN
    IRAQ!
    On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I
    have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force
    One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New
    Orleansso you could catch a quick look of the
    disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a
    bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a
    commander in chief. Been there done that.
    There will be those who will try to politicize this
    tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your
    people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing.
    Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would
    happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexicois
    getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this
    inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming
    Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a
    hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one
    F-4 tornado that stretched from New Yorkto Cleveland.

    No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your
    fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty
    or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get
    out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not
    like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine
    leaving white people on their roofs for five days?
    Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to
    do with this!
    You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of
    our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the
    people of New Orleansand the GulfCoastare near
    Tikrit.
    Yours,
    Michael Moore
    MMFlint@aol.com
    www.MichaelMoore.com

    P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer
    at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of
    the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country,
    stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can
    catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

  5. #5
    President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.

    A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Tony Blair
    sitting
    over there?"

    The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! . What are
    you
    guys doing in here?"

    Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

    And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and
    one
    blonde with big ****."

    The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big ****? Why kill a blonde with big
    ****?"

    Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about
    the 140 million Muslims

  6. #6
    PHP/PostgreSQL guy
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Posts
    1,164
    ROFL, man those're great...especially the interview with R. Lee Ermey! I love that guy!
    We the willing, led by the unknowing, have been doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long that we are now qualified to do just about anything with almost nothing.

  7. #7

    Illegal Immigrants Poem

    Illegal Immigrants Poem.

    Boy! This is worth passing on!..
    Illegal Immigrants Poem
    I cross ocean, poor and broke,
    Take bus,
    see employment folk.
    Nice man treat me good in there,
    Say I need to see welfare.
    Welfare say, "You come no more,
    We send cash right to your door."
    Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
    Medicaid it keep you healthy!

    By and by, I got plenty money,
    Thanks to you, Australian dummy.
    Write to friends in motherland,
    Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
    They come in turbans, they come in trucks,
    I buy big house with welfare bucks
    They come here, we live together,
    More welfare checks, it gets better!
    Fourteen families, they moving in,
    But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
    Finally, white guy moves away,
    Now I buy his house, and then I say,
    "Find more aliens for house to rent."
    And in the yard I put a tent.
    Send for family they just trash,
    But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
    Everything is very good,
    And soon we own the neighborhood.
    We have hobby it's called breeding,
    Welfare pay for baby feeding.
    Kids need dentist?
    Wife need pills?
    We get free!
    We got no bills!
    Australian crazy! He pay all year,
    To keep welfare running here.
    We think Australia bloody good place!
    Too darn good for the white man race.
    If they no like us, they can scram,
    Got lots of room in Pakistan.

  8. #8
    A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an
    inflatable doll.

    "Would you like male or female?"

    "Female, please."

    "Would you like Black, or White?"

    "White, Please."

    "Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

    This question confused the man ... and he replied,

    "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

    "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

  9. #9
    A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
    dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

    He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
    although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says

    "Sorry, do you know me?"

    She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
    one of my children!"

    His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

    "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged
    on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me
    with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

    "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

  10. #10

    Test the Law Agencies

    Test the Law Agencies

    The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of
    apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
    forest and tells each agency to catch it.

    The FBI goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They
    question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of
    intensive investigations the FBI concludes rabbits do not exist.

    The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest,
    killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the
    rabbit
    had
    it coming, they insist.

    The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten
    bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"



    John Howard hears about Bush's idea and decides to try it. To test
    Australian law enforcement agencies, he releases a white rabbit into
    Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.

    The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets
    a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and
    proceeds of crime.

    The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with
    a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They
    looked
    like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

    The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking
    officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out their minds.

    The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes,
    with scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

    The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs
    itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
    tea.

    The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in
    the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who
    cause all the trouble.

    The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,
    particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high
    overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole,
    the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further
    analysis.

    ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

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