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Thread: a few

  1. #1

    Post a few

    A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was
    a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it
    in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses
    was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
    doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
    just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

    The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

    The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and
    this time it won.

    The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

    The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
    priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

    This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid
    of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the
    donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local
    farmer for $10.

    The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

    They buried the bishop the next day.

  2. #2
    Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

    10. I need to whip it out by 5.
    9. Mind if I use your laptop?
    8. Just stick it in my box.
    7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
    6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
    5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
    4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
    3. It's an entry-level position.
    2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
    1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

    Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

    10. Have you looked through her briefs?
    9. He is one hard judge!
    8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
    7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute
    6. Is it a penal offense?
    5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
    4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
    3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
    2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
    1. Think you can get me off?

    Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:

    10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
    9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
    8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
    7. Look at the size of his putter
    6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
    5. Mind if I join your threesome?
    4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
    3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
    2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
    1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

  3. #3
    These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:

    1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
    I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

    7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

    8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his **** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

    12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

    15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

    17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

    18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

  4. #4
    "More Enron Economics..."

    An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a
    mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver
    the mule the next day.

    However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have
    some bad news." "The mule died."

    "Well, then, just give me my money back."

    "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    "OK, then. Just unload the mule."

    "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"

    "I'm going to raffle him off."

    "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

    "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

    A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule
    asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

    "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500
    tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898."

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

  5. #5
    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1
    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 2
    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwaanza at this time. Happy now?

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 3
    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 7
    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 8
    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 9
    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 10
    Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

    FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
    DATE: December 14
    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

  6. #6
    Girl & her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

    She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.

    Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

    He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go.

    First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

    T + 0.1 secs: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.
    T + 0.3 secs: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
    T + 0.6 secs: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.
    T + 1.5 secs: She whispers in his ear....

    "It's called Blow job revenge"

  7. #7

    Rules for Good Grammar #4.

    Rules for Good Grammar #4.
    (1) Don't use no double negatives.
    (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
    (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
    (4) About them sentence fragments.
    (5) When dangling, watch your participles.
    (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
    (7) Just between you and i, case is important.
    (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
    (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
    (10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
    (11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
    (12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
    (13) Correct speling is essential.
    (14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
    (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.

  8. #8



    10. No one ever steals your chair.

    9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

    8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

    7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

    6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

    5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

    4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

    3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

    2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

    And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked:

    1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

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