June 26th, 2006, 11:53 AM
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains
from a garment always circle the stain in
permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can
easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp
Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
of cartoons first, then reading the rest
in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that
you have taken performance enhancing
drugs by simply running a little slower
and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those
filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years you'll
have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling
by removing your windscreen, sticking half
a melon skin on your head, then jumping
red lights and driving the wrong way up
one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking
a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl
of iron filings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and
effective substitute for costly maps when
visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast
racks' for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented
a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your
hair, wearing a white laboratory coats
and parking a JCB digger outside your house
for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and
replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy
of the same description. Watch their faces
in the morning!
Only go to the toilet at work. Not only
will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make
marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted
sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the
things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so
they may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
clock will prevent you from rolling over
and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your
microwave. If the chocolate melts you will
know that the microwaves are escaping and
it is time to have the oven serviced.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with
angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.