July 2nd, 2006, 11:39 AM
More then 1 inside..
A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet
as you pass Room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist."
"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish."
"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different
religions, But why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think
they''re the only ones here."
July 2nd, 2006, 11:40 AM
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.
What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."
July 2nd, 2006, 11:42 AM
Two nuns had been misbehaving and to give them time to think about their sins they were sent to paint a large room in the convent. It was made clear to them that if they got any paint on their clothes the punishment would be quite harsh.
Since they were alone in the room and the door could be locked from the inside they decided to take off all of their clothes to keep it from getting stained.
As they were both painting the room completely naked there was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" - they required.
"Blind man" - was the answer from outside the door.
They decided that there could be no harm in letting a blind man in the room, since he would obviously be unable to see them.
So they unlocked the door and as the man entered the room he said:
"Nice jugs, where do you want these blinds"?
July 2nd, 2006, 11:44 AM
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is
heard from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!! "
The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I
try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says
"You IDIOT, You're sitting on the mop bucket.!!!! "
July 2nd, 2006, 11:45 AM
From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from near Medway,Maine.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said..
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me To the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
July 2nd, 2006, 11:47 AM
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”
Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
July 2nd, 2006, 11:48 AM
1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: That’s true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Con***ius says: man who sinks into a woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
19. “I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
20. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.” “WHAT HAPPENED?” asked his friend. He says “MY WIFE FOUND OUT.”
23. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?” The other replied, “YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.”
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!
July 2nd, 2006, 11:50 AM
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
July 2nd, 2006, 11:51 AM
There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
July 4th, 2006, 09:08 AM
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the
back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour
late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the
carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big
boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young
fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."