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[dinowuff]

This has worked for me in the past

Objective:
Working with non idiots is a huge plus but not a requirement. Coworkers and management should understand that when I tell them their idea/solution is the dumbest ****ing thing I've ever heard that they shouldn't take it personally.
 
Summary:
Basically I'm the ****.  If it's got wires and electricity I'm the man.  If there's a ****ing keyboard attached back the **** up -- 'cuz I'm gonna rip **** up.  I need a sticker for my keyboard at work that says "Bad Ass Mother****er."  I'm all about truth in advertising; hell that should be on my business cards.
 
Work Availability:
Availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time”.  Remote or “telecommuting” preferred.
 
Operating Systems:
Linux, HP-UX, Sun OS/Solaris, Cisco IOS, Palm OS, Win32, and some more **** that I probably forgot about.  Pick one, I've probably used it.  I'm the ****.
 
Programming languages:
It'd be easier if I just listed ones I've never touched:  COBOL, Fortran, Pl1, RPG, basically weird **** that nobody under 40 has touched.
 
Databases:
Microsoft SQL Server, Oracle, Sybase, PostgreSQL, MySQL, Access
 
Other Technologies:
XML / XSL / XML:FO, CSS, HTML, EDI, COM, MFC, ATL, CGI, MGD, LSD, THC.  I got more TLAs in my back pocket than is necessary.
 
Work Experience:
 
Possible job title:  Un****er of greatly ****ed up things.
I was forced to learn how to tie a tie with a hangover because of that job. I didn't really have a dedicated role there so I generally just pointed out ****ed up things and ways to un**** them. We then put these instructions into the hands of people that shouldn't be given administrative rights on a ****ing Palm Pilot and expect them to actually read and implement what's laid out in plain English. I believe I am now qualified to train apes to do complex tasks after working there.
 
• Designed a web deployment system which would offer 100% uptime during software upgrades within weeks of arriving.  The monkeys are still trying to apply a service pack successfully on the QA systems; I considered documenting instructions in 36 point font so emphasize fact that they should actually be read.
 
• I'm became the lead QA person for our vendor's software releases. They don't even bother testing them out before they send them to us it seems.
 
• Wrote untold bug reports that were ignored by vendor and sometimes submitted code to fix problem back to vendor. Vendor tech support informed me that that was a violation of their license agreement because I decompiled their code. I promptly gave the finger to my web browser and ignored it.
 
Application Developer / Programming Bitch
 
I worked a lot of unpaid overtime and was basically "programmer bitch" here.  My time estimates were usually ignored and projects suffered because of it.
 
• COM based E-commerce package written in VBScript, Visual Basic 6.0 and Microsoft SQL server.  We couldn't resell it like we wanted because $7k in licensing fees for a $5k application just didn't fly well with customers.  Go figure.
 
• Perl/CGI E-commerce package which I inherited.  It was ****ed beyond belief but I managed to actually make **** work from time to time.
 
• Prototype ColdFusion/MS SQL Server Learning Management System (LMS) for nation wide retail chain requiring integration with previously existing client-side educational software.  This has got to be one of the stupidest projects I ever worked on but it made cash.
 
• Maintenance of existing ASP/VBScript, Chilisoft VBScript and Perl web sites which was more **** I inherited.  Yet another cluster**** of code hopelessly beyond repair.
 
 
Developer / System Administrator
Currently working on an as-needed basis consulting for a new wireless ISP in West Michigan.  Duties include:
 
• I don't really do **** anymore, but it kind of looks good on the resume, don't it?
 
Developer / System Administrator / Office Drunk
 
I developed an insane ability to drink at lunch while working here.  I'm a much better person because of it.
Previous projects include:
 
• An online grocery store application that was hopeless.  I managed not to kill the project manager on this one and I consider that a huge testament to my ability to work with ****ing idiots.
 
• Developer and architect of online virtual job fair with a team of four individuals.  Initially written in ColdFusion and later re-implemented in PHP against a PostgreSQL database.  Communication between the web application and a local IRC server were implemented in C utilizing a SysV IPC shared memory mechanism.  It was so ****ing good it was resold by a previous employee.
 
• Lead developer and component level architect for PDM system for an automotive parts manufacturer.  They shut down the company very shortly after deployment of the application.
 
Systems administration duties in Linux consisted of installation, configuration and maintenance of the following:
 
• Everything in the ****ing office.
• No, really, everything in the ****ing office.
 
Grand Valley State University, Web Developer
 
I think I did too many drugs and too much drinking to clearly remember this job.  It had something to do with computers and I think web development. I'm not sure if it was stellar programming skills or the fact that I worked for next to nothing that kept me employed here.

[Cider]

References upon request? Is this normal in the states and UK. Here in SA all the Cv's I have seen all have references on them :P

[AngelicKnight]

dinowuff, you're my hero.

I'll work on tweaking up or removing that objective then...that's a good point...