It's been a while since I posted or visited AO, work & everything else seems to be taking all my time :(
Still, here's a bunch of jokes that made it to my crammed email box for your pleasure.
J.
__start_of_funnies__
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house.
She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.
I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress.
When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What in the world are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing...What's for supper?"
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A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Super Sex!
Super Sex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. She flipped her gown up in front of him and said "Super sex"!
He sat silently for a moment or two, while looking up at her. Then he
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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A professor at the University of West Virginia giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? " 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost." 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up
here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
To which Billy Bob replied, "Shiiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats!"
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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again. He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and asks, "What is in that can?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says....
..........
.......
.....
...
..
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
***************************************************
David Beckham was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana. Posh wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high
prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with
the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, Dave shouted, 'Maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes
at a reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll be lucky and
catch yourself a big one! '
Determined, David and Posh turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots Becks standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him.
He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it
on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then Becks flips the
alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
'Bollocks, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
________________________________________
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was upset with this kind of publicity so he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
Now this was really too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day
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A man, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
__end_of_funnies__
