*Important!* New Merger Information!
New York, NY, April 20 (AP)--In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant congolmeration of felt that will move them into the number two spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years they had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the move will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," said Bert. "'Share' is our favorite word."
Concord, NH, May 14 (Reuters)--Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia join to form NationSouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever."
The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged one-for-one.
Bangor, ME, Aug. 22 (Bloomberg)--Stephen King announced today that he had aquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, upping his output to at least one novel per month.
The new author, who will do buisiness as the firm of Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol, and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Thought Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the aquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes.
"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with the [I]New York Daily Newsday Times[/B]. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule."
An earlier deal in which King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when King was informed that the company was not John Updike.
Washington, D.C., Oct. 3 (UPI)--In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced yesterday that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs.
The new company, which Cats said would be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of domestic companion services.
Paris, France, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse)--In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp.
The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. Sources close to both parties say that genetalia remain a sticking point. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.
A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men have been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for Men. Women were unavailable for comment.
Rome, Italy, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service)--After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join no less than Heaven and Hell.
"Some say I've made a deal with the devil," said God who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks, all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers."
Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president.
Merger talks broke off several centuries ago in part because the executives could not decide who would run a combined company.
Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."
Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
(--Jay Jennings)
