something to think about (or not)
Heres something to keep ye occupied for a few minutes, enjoy
Funny Thoughts
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?
If bunnies don't lay eggs why is it on Easter that we hide eggs from the Easter Bunny?
Why are things typed up but written down?
How come u can kill a deer and put it on your wall but its a illegal to keep them as a pet?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
What does OK actually mean?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Is light still faster than sound when it's going through your TV, and if so, when you get a live broadcast from China or something shouldn't all the sounds come after the actions?
Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Why is the abbreviation for pound lb. when l or b isn't in the word pound
Proverbs
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think.
"A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain." .
"You never test the depth of a river with both feet."
"Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."
"The believer is happy. The doubter is wise."
It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow.
Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.
A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato-the best part of him is underground.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Your heart understands what your head cannot yet conceive; trust your heart.
A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.
He who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom
Silly Quotes
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved
Dain bramaged
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Beware of programmers who carry screwdriver
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
A Laundromat:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Taglines
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
Life in a vacuum sucks
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You're only young once; you can be immature f'ever.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing..
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Conserve energy... fart in a jar
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy..
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Bumper Stickers
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket.
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !
This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
If you can read this you are too close..
High beams were made to piss people off!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
I hate bumper stickers!
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
On the other hand...you have different fingers!
Keep honking, I am reloading!.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Look out! Behind you!
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
Murphy's Laws
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Every solution breeds new problems..
If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then..
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Everything takes longer than you think..
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Answering Machine
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Misc Quotes
When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. --Alexander Graham Bell
Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not. Nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence, determination and hard work make the difference. -- Calvin Coolidge
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other? -- George Eliot
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us. -- Ben Franklin
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. -- Goethe
What lies before us and what lies beyond us is tiny compared to what lies within us. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. -- Thomas Jefferson
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. -- Carl Jung
Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. -- Robert F. Kennedy
Friendship with one's self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. -- George Bernard Shaw
~Resistance drains energy~
~Acceptance saves it~
~Cheerfulness sustains it~ -- Anonymous
