Humor: Little Green Men

Despite some complaints about my humor posts, I felt like this one would be enjoyed. If not, too bad. I hope you enjoy:)
What We Talk About When We Talk About Little Green Men --Chris Harris

Now that their existence is--are we agreed?--no longer in question, we may redirect our efforts toward the finer details of their presence. Semantic issues must at some point be addressed ("We have positively identified that as a U.F.O." is not quite . . . right), but for the moment let us consider a more pressing concern: We know what they look like. We know what they drive. What, from these observations, can we deduce about our otherworldly visitors? As we piece the puzzle together, the developing image is not flattering.

First, God help them, they are unabashedly pro-American. Few countries seem has hospitable to spacecraft sightings as the good ol' U.S. of A. (Aliens also prefer the countryside and seem to love corn, facts that are already well documented.) And while they must be far advanced technologically, some narrow but deep pockets of ignorance apparently remain. For example, if their object is stealth, why must they employ colored, blinking lights on the outside of their spacecraft? Is it alien Christmastime? And why, for that matter, a saucer shape? Not only aerodynamically suspect, it must also give our aliens no shortage of grief trying to remember which is the front, back, or side of their craft. Worse yet, these saucers are often seen spinning rapidly, making our friends not only architecturally inferior but incredibly dizzy as well. We can only conclude that our alien visitors may in fact be much less technologically advanced than ourselves.

Physically, we can readily determine that the aliens are in relatively poor health. They possess inefficient optical nerves (hence the large, Ray-Ban eyes), underdeveloped remaining senses (note their small mouths and nearly invisible nose and ears), and, judging by their fragile bodies and spindly extremities, likely suffer from chronic calcium deficiency. One would not be surprised to hear of them invading drugstores in search of Centrum and similar multivitamins.

More distrubingly, they are incorrigible perverts. The typical abductee is without fail probed, prodded, and forced (forced!) to have sex with another abductee, who is often her teenage boyfriend with whom she had never before had sex but this explains her pregnancy so please don't get angry, Mom. Real scientists retain their subjects for a variety of experiments, including cancer treatments, genetic testing, and sociological insight. Not these alien "scientists." Sex, sex, sex. That's it. Even worse, whatever "knockout pill" they're using isn't doing nearly the trick it should in the memory-suppression department. As long as they're swinging by the pharmacy, perhaps they can pick up a little something stronger.

They like being naked, or at least no one has tracked any changing alien fashions, and they are remarkably humanoid in form considering they represent an entirely separate evolutionary tree; one might say, all possible efforts at enslavement of the human race aside, that they look "cute."

Our mysterious visitors, then--sickly, perverted, overpatriotic nudists with a fifties-era grasp of technology--represent no immediate threat to our planet, little opportunity for enlightened exchange of ideas, and negligible value at cocktail parties. However, with some degree of effort and obedience school, they may eventually make excellent pets. The Roswell breed in particular shows great promise; we must ask the government to look into the matter.


I hope you enjoyed.
God bless,
--PhirePhreak

i have no complaints.. enjoyed it..

Same here..... worthy post!

Hmmm.... perverted, technologically inferior beings, eh?

Well, it could be worse. They could all look like Janet Reno.

Oh my. I'm gonna go cry.

Oh, and psychosquee> glad to see someone else has discovered the glories of free domains at www.dottk.com :)

God bless,
--PhirePhreak