Been a quick minute since I posted any of these...here are a couple of recent mailings from my grandmother.
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,
right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk,
they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took
off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of
my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean
herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it
seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card
stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".
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Subject: Moody
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
You know, the ones that change color to reflect mood changes.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
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> >A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
> >"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they
> >ALL YOURS???" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired
> >momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand
> >times before.
> >
> >"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here
> >to sign up. I'll need all their names." "This one is my
> >oldest-he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?"
> >
> >"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises
> >an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the
> >oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
> >
> >Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named
> >Leroy!
> >
> >All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named
> >Leroy?"
> >Well, yes-it's actually really convenient. When it's time
> >for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running.
> >And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
> >street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is,
> >stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
> >naming them all Leroy."
> >
> >The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles
> >her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just
> >want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?
> >That's easy, said the mother.......Then I call them by
> >their last names."
-----------
Signs - word play
>
> A plumber's slogan was: "Remember: A flush is
> better than a full house."
>
> Sign at a radiator shop:
> (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
>
> Sign over a gynecologist's office:
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
>
> On a plumber's truck:
> "We repair what your husband fixed."
>
> On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
> Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
>
> Pizza shop slogan:
> "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
>
> At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
>
> Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
> "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
>
> At a towing company:
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
>
> On an electrician's truck:
> "Let us remove your shorts."
>
> In a nonsmoking area:
> "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
> appropriate action."
>
> On a maternity room door:
> "Push. Push. Push."
>
> At an optometrist's office:
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to
> the right place."
>
> On a taxidermist's window:
> "We really know our stuff."
>
> In a podiatrist's office:
> "Time wounds all heels."
>
> On a fence:
> "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
>
> At a car dealership:
> "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
> payment."
>
> Outside a muffler shop:
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
>
> In a veterinarian's waiting room:
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
>
> At the electric company:
> "We would be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
> However, if you don't, you will be."
>
> In a restaurant window:
> "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed
> up."
>
> In the front yard of a funeral home:
> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
