Some jokes to lighten the evening !

All this techie talk needs a break once in a while so as we are in general chit chat then some humour to waker you all up !

Q. how do you turn a cat into a dog ?
A. pour gasoline on it and light it then it goes Woof !

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says,
"So, you single?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ****ing ugly".

Little Johnny was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Little Johnny, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Q.how do you make a women orgasm ?
A. who cares

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a boiling hot cup of water, the bartender says "i thought you guys drank blood ?"
the vampire pulls out a used tampon and replies " i just fancy a cup of tea"

(this one is for the techies out there)

A man walks into a pet shop and asks for a parrot !
The shop owner shows him one he has in the back for 50 (dollars,pounds etc)
he asks why it is so cheap so the shopkeeper makes the parrot talk.
the parrot starts saying "pieces of nine, pieces of nine"
the man asks why he says that, to which the shopkeeper replies it is a parroty error (parity error)

A man walks into a local pub and proceeds to drink 13 pints of beer, one after the other. The completely drunken man takes a seat and begins to cry out loud so the local patrons walk over to him and say "You alright man? Whats the matter ?" The man replies, "I had my first blow job today!" The locals reply, "So why are you crying then?" The man replies, "I can't get the taste out of my mouth."

A man can't figure out what's wrong with his wife so he takes her to a doctor. After examining her, the doctor tells the guy, "It could be one of two things, Alzheimers Disease or AIDS, the symptoms are very similar." The man looks puzzled, and the doctor says, "This is what you need to do. Take her far out into the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't **** her."

All for now folks i cant think of anymore. hope they cheer you up and dont offend anyone !

live well and love life peeps !