You Know You're Getting Old When ...
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
· "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
· Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
· All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
· At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
· Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
· Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
· In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
· It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
· It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
· It takes twice as long to look half as good.
· It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
· Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
· No one expects you to run into a burning building.
· People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
· People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
· Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.
· The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
· The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
· The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
· The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
· The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
· The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
· There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
· Things you buy now won't wear out.
· When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
· When happy hour is a nap.
· When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
· When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
· When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
· When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
· When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
· When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
· When you stop buying green bananas.
· When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
· When you were in school there was no history class!
· When your birth certificate says expired on it.
· When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
· You and your teeth don't sleep together.
· You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
· You are proud of your lawn mower.
· You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
· You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
· You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
· You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
· You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
· You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
· You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
· You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
· You don't remember being absent minded.
· You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
· You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
· You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
· You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
· You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
· You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
· You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
· You get winded playing chess.
· You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
· You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
· You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
· You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
· You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
· You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
· You look both ways before crossing a room.
· You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
· You look forward to a dull evening.
· You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
· You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
· You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
· You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
· You sing along with the elevator music.
· You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
· You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
· You start video taping daytime game shows.
· You take a metal detector to the beach.
· You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
· You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
· You wear black socks with sandals.
· You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
· You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
· You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
· Your back goes out more than you do.
· Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
· Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
· Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
· Your ears are hairier than your head.
· Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
· Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
· Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
· Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
· Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
· Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
· Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
· Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
· Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
· Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
· Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
· Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
· You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
· You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
· You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
· You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
Happy Weekend!!!
