Christmas Party Memo to All Employees...
[glowpurple]Merry Christmas AntiOnline![/glowpurple] :)
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small
band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa
Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
-------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important
holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though
unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies
to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
---------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if
I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't
be anonymous anymore.
In addition, forget about the gifts exchange--no gifts
will be allowed since the union members feel that $10
is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
---------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest
to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have
their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for
the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
---------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people--nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to
our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
---------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians--
I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not,
you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill
of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and
die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
---------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
