Browsing, Defined

Hello- Found this in the March 2003 edition of ComputerSource and thought it might be appreciated.


BROWSING, DEFINED. By Eric Lucas

I upgraded my browser software a couple weeks ago. Now my workstation sports a glistening new version of Netscape-6.2, I think. Funny thing is, it's worse than the old version.
It's at least twice as slow. It locks up twice as often. It has twoce as much unnecessary folderol jammed on top, along the sides and on the bottom of the page, so the actual information I'm using is compacted ito a space about as small as a postage stamp. If this is better, I'm butter.
Puzzled, I called my sister, a systems manager and programmer.
"This is an upgrade?" She giggled.
"The more functionality they keep adding to these programs, the less well they work," she explained. oh.
I get it=I am simply using the wrong definitions for some concepts, such as upgrade. As any philosopher will thell you, one's understanding of the universe depends heavily on the underlying understanding of the language used to describe it-philogy, this is called. Herewith, a short glossary to help those in my straits:
UPGRADE: Although it contains the word "up," this is actually a term for a decrease in efficiency. Much of the Software Empire is in Opposit-land, you see.
FUNCTIONALITY: Another inverse term. The more "functionality" a programhas, the less it can actually accomplish.
STOP BUTTON: This doesn't actually stop anything. How dare you think you can interrupt data transfer, such as pop-ups?
TOOLBAR: A pictorial representation of software "functions" you have no control over, such as the stop button.
SIDEBAR: A pictorial representation of tabs no one ever uses. For example: "shopping"
FEATURE: This is actually a bug-such as, you hit Command-Shift%, and a picture of Judy Garland runs across the desktop.
MACRO: An automatic "function" which turns your files into plant hangers. These are known as "macrome."
BUG: There are no bugs in software, Those are features.
DIALOG BOX: A message from the program. "Warning: Unsubstantiated hyperlink evisceration may abort LAN transmission." You answer "OK." That's dialog.
COMPATIBILITY: Back in Opposite-land. Two compatible platforms can run simultaneously if one is shut down.
ERROR MESSAGE: A note from the program telling you what went wrong. Sanskrit is the customary language.
FORMATS: More functionality you have no control over.
TEMPLATE: A plate in a temple. Don't break it, it's holy.
ISDN: This stands for Internet SlowDown Nexus.
DSL: Damn Slow Line.
BOOT UP: What to do with your footwear while you're waiting for your software to work.
REBOOT: What you have to do when you've used your footwear for periodic computer maintenance, such as following software upgrades.