The Bastard Sys Admin From Michigan #10
Well I know its been a while but here it is guys. The new bastard post ;) As always please leave your comments and feed back ok? enjoy!
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#10
Written entirely by: gore.
Revenge of the bastard. The lusers will pay.
7:00 AM: It seems our luser’s have tried to strike back at me. And worse they think they will be alive tomorrow.
I get up early and go into work so I can get some things done. It seems someone has been touching MY computer, not very well at it but they have been. I whip out my crime scene investigation kit I “burrowed” from the last cop here when another user died and start working.
It seems a luser or someone who hates me has set the case up to electrocute me on touch. It pays to use rubber gloves when you’re working. Aeallison comes in and I tell him what’s going on and he has a shocked look on his face.
We both look around and see it was screwed around with. I make a plan immediately. I tell Aeallison I’m going to make it seem like I just came in and then well get a bandage out and pretend I fell for it.
He says ok and I sneak out the back way. At about 8:30 AM I walk back in as though I’m just coming in and see a user looking at me and smile, I know it’s him so I make sure to take note of the PC number on his PC’s case.
I walk into the office and sit down and Aeallison is ready for action. I wrap my arm up in rubber and then add a bandage over it and push a paper clip into the power supply and the thing explodes.
I tell Aeallison whoever did this is going to try to get us out so he can do something. It’s a sad day when a luser has an instinct to kill like me. Oh well. We both set up a screen saver on our computers to make it look like the desktop and it will even accept commands. The thing it won’t do though is whatever you want.
I leave to coffee cup half full for decoration (the only cups me and Aeallison use are put in a locked drawer when we are not around) and we both go back to the task of investigating what was used to make the computer blow up.
It seems an old stun gun was used, nice. A user bursts in the door, the same one who smiled at me earlier. What he doesn’t know wont hurt him… ok so it will but not me. I set up the screen saver so that whenever someone tried any commands while it was running it would instead send an e-mail from the user who smiled at me saying:
Dear luser co worker,
I just wanted to say that it was not gore that has been tormenting you, it was me. I hate you all but I make it seem like it is him. Also, you might want to buy your daughter a pregnancy test, we were both drunk last weekend.
-luser.
And then it sends another mail to me and the boss so we can all laugh. Me and Aeallison both run out pretending to care about his machine and instead go get some food and jolt cola. We come back and see we have some new mail. The user in here must have tried something while we were gone.
I check the logging feature of the fake screen saver and see he tried to grep something. Funny this is coming from a user who ****ed up the install of Linux mandrake and had to reformat yet they know how to use a UNIX command.
I see he sent an e-mail to the boss saying he put Rophinol in our coffee and to come talk to him. Now me being very good with drugs and pills I take the coffee and put it in my take home cup for fun later. I haven’t been sleeping well you know.
I tell Aeallison and we say well we better act like we actually drank it. Now me being a big guy that much actually wouldn’t even make me fall asleep but oh well. I lie down on the floor and tell Aeallison to set up some cameras so we have things to use later on. He finishes up the cameras and lies down too.
Sure enough the luser and the boss walk in and we both just lie there. I peak open an eye and see the boss fondling Aeallison’s dong. This is going to pay off heavily; the cameras are picking it up. Aeallison used the cameras with sound too, which means that the boss thanking the luser for doing this is also on tape.
When it’s all over I sneak into the luser’s desk where he keeps everything. Sure enough the idiot left the pictures in there. I grab them both and go back to the office. I have Aeallison do the honors since he had to suffer the most and he sets them on fire. I made sure to check for any copies and these were the only ones.
I upload the video to my Free BSD FTP server at home and Aeallison uploads his to his Debian server at home too. Then we upload it into hidden directories on the servers at work.
Well it shouldn’t be long until the luser and the boss realize I win again. I kill some time by going to http://www.homestarrunner.com and watching the new strong bad e-mail. This week is a good one as usual.
I check the home directory for our little photo artist to make sure again that I got the only copies of the pictures. Sure enough he had some in his home directory. I delete them and the back up. Then I take the picture from his employee record and do some editing.
I think his GF will love a picture of the boss and him touching each other. I send it to her e-mail and send her a private message on Anti Online and tell her to check her e-mail and wait.
20 minutes later I get a reply thanking me for showing her and I reply “just doing my job” Yea, just doing my job to be a bastard. I pop in a CD and listen to The Ramones “Now I wanna Sniff Some Glue” Very loudly. It’s always good to relax at work to some classic punk rock.
The luser just called me back pissed off. He said “I know you took my ****ing pictures out of my desk!” Me? Take something from a user? Oh come now. He says he wants to kick my ass and burst into the door… How sad he fell on some marbles that “fell off my desk” and busts his head on a shelf that was just then placed there to break his fall.
I accidentally spill my espresso on his crotch while he tries to get back up. I wonder if they really do plump when you cook them. He screams in pain. I love that sound, a user screaming in pain.
I help him up a little too quickly and some how his shoulder is dislocated in the process. Pity really, guess he will have to come back to work anyway, he has a sit down job.
I tell him to grab a hole of this rope and get up and he does. Who knew, it turned out to be a live wire. He starts convulsing and I kick him in the spine “to get him away from the wire”. Oh darn it didn’t work. I kick him again a lot harder in the same spot and he screams in pain but let’s go.
I love the sound of a user screaming in absolute pain. He decides he has had enough and leaves. A few minutes later I check network activity and see he is logged into his home computer from work as administrator. Well we sure can’t have this now. I write a quick script and use a password cracking utility and a few commands later I have his password.
I check the IP of his home machine and unplug his network cable. He doesn’t phone me as if he knows he is doomed. I log into his machine at home and look around. I grab all his credit card numbers and information for later on and then format the HD and upload a MBR tool I made myself that makes the computer unbootable.
After finishing this I call his phone company and tell them I will be leaving for a few months and to please have the service shut off. They ask me for some information to assure I am really him and I give them the information they need.
They tell me the service will be shut off in about 10 minutes and I thank them and hang up. I then call up his electric company and do the same. Then a few clicks and commands later his credit card info is posted to alt.2600.cardz. I plug him back in to the network as I begin a new script.
Whenever he tries logging on to his home machine another PC in his department will send the boss an e-mail and one to me and Aeallison saying:
Dear bastard,
I hate you and want you to know that I think you are the dumbest piece of **** on earth.
-Luser.
Then I make a new script that gives him root access and formats the boss’s PC and his laptop when he tries to log in.
A few minutes late I get a phone call from him saying his network connection had died but now he can’t access other machines. I ask if he rebooted and he said no. I tell him to try that and he does. A few offices over I hear a scream of horror and he asks what that was.
Oh, that was you, formatting the manager’s laptop, I say. What? He asks. I said you just formatted your head’s laptop. He sounds upset, but like he knows in an odd way. Aeallison asks me what I did and I tell him.
After he is done laughing we sit down for a little network game or ten. Aeallison thinks he can beat me for some reason so I bet him 20 dollars and see who can kill more. The phone starts ringing and I’m trying to play so I pick it up and smash it.
After getting my money from Aeallison the boss comes in asking why the phone is smashed. I tell him it is from heat exposure. He falls for it and asks how to stop it. “Well”, I say, we need to keep it cooler in this room. Also vibration helps it.
“What can we do?” he asks. “Well vibration helps so you could get a bottle of water and start screaming and pouring it on the phone.” He actually fell for this and starts doing it.
I step into the walk in smoke room and pretend to smoke but instead I call security on my cell and tell them the boss has gone nuts and to hurry up here with the CEO.
I walk back into the room and just then security and the CEO walk in and ask what in the hell is going on. “He smashed the phone and then just went nuts sir!” the boss shits his pants and goes into convulsions.
The CEO says to the boss to get the hell out of this building with his things NOW or he will have to call the police.
The boss tries to say he didn’t do it and I whip out my little magic tape recorder and show the CEO the video from a camera in the room and play a tape of me saying “Stop sir you’re going to hurt someone!”
The boss lunges at me trying to kill me and for some reason I accidentally kick him in the stomach and make his face land on a server breaking his jaw.
Security grabs him and takes him into a holding cell that was put in after I started here. Security calls the police and I watch as the boss is hauled away.
Before the cops leave I sneak into one of the cars and format the laptop inside and delete my driving record from the database. Feels good to know I won’t be losing my license any time soon.
I walk back into the office and Aeallison looks at me like I’m crazy. At least he knows. I sit down and decide I’m bored so I sit down and format a user’s machine. They call me on the phone and start screaming at me so I act like I care and say I’ll be right down.
I get to there office and they say “make this thing work now!” Ok you do NOT yell at me. He says just make this thing so it’s possible to do my work. Well, it will be POSSIBLE just not for him.
I go back to the office and tell Aeallison to get me the OS/2 Warp install floppies. “You are such a bastard!” he says. Yea, I know. Fun huh? I walk out and install OS/2 on the user’s machine and tell him how to log in and walk away.
Before I get back to my area Aeallison is on the phone already with him. He can’t find his start menu and is pissed. I tell Aeallison I will take care of it and I do. I hang the phone up, unplug it and log into the users account telling the CEO how I hate him.
10 minutes later a hear security dragging him out of the building. We have over 7,000 people at this place and I think I’m doing them a favor by helping downsize the idiots. We all have to do our part.
I realize I never got my raises I wanted from the old boss so I log into his account and give me and Aeallison a dollar an hour raise and order us both new cars. Aeallison gets a BMW M3 and I get the same but in a blue color instead of grey.
I look at Aeallison and he knows already what I’m going to say. We pack our things up and go home for the day. On the way out I pull the power on a few routers and the file server and walk out the door.
In the next episode:
Will the bastard find another way to destroy luser lives? Will our hackin’ hurtin’ hero allow a new manager to live? Stay tuned till next time and find out!
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So, what do you all think?
