An Apology or something like that.

Hey Hey,


Apparently quite a few of ya have been finding me to be a grump as of late. I've been attacking every idiot I find, yes I did say idiot. Just because my flames weren't right doesn't mean you were either. Anyways, I've recieved a fair amount of criticism about it. You've prolly noticed most of my flames say thank you, or I needed to vent.... something along those lines anyways. So I figured I'd let ya'll in on what's going on, partially because I'd like to tell ya but mostly because I can't talk to my friends about it and don't like keeping stuff bottled up. It's not an attempt at justification of my actions, just an explanation of why.

The last month has been harsh on me, I was cheated on by the woman I loved (with an enemy) and then she rubbed it in my face the entire month. Although this isn't what the problem is, just some background on my life lately. She actually came over last night and we may be getting back together, she's also the person who made me realize I have to share this next bit with someone, and since the people I know would flip out, I'm coming to you.

7 years ago I had brain surgery, they removed a benign, juvenile astrocytoma from my right cerebellum (how's that for a mouthful). The tumor was the size of a baseball and the surgery was a success. 2 Years ago I was supposed to go in for a cat scan, I had my first day of work that day... so I skipped it. That of course could mean anything. The last few weeks I've been getting horrid headaches where my surgery was. The room will momentarily go dim, or i'll get dizzy and have to grab for a wall. Other times I'll just sit and cry because the pain is so horrid. Pills do nothing, rest does nothing. The last couple days along with the headaches i've been getting nauseous (hrm.. I can't spell that word)... This has really been scarying me. When the found the tumor before the only telltale sign was the fact that I'd get very nauseous, the doctors were quite surprised that I didn't get headaches.

I haven't been to a doctor yet and I don't know if I even have the courage to go. I'm afraid of what they'll find and of what they'll have to do. I don't think I could handle going under the knife again. I'm scared shitless and my world seems to be falling apart.

I know it's not justification, but I needed to share that with someone. The fear has bittered me, and I've been lashing out at people everyone, online and at home. I'm sorry for the attacks, but I'm glad I've finally talked about this with someone, even if it was a group of strangers on a washed-up message board floating around on the internet. It's just good to get it out.

Peace,
HT

This is where your stated faith comes in HT. You have to believe that it's going to be okay. It sounds like a trip to the doctor is in order, post haste. I know that it must be terrifying to think something is growing in your brain that isn't supposed to be, but ignoring that fact isn't going to change it. Last time, it was benign. If there is a this time, wouldn't the likelihood be that it would be benign also? I'm not belittling your fear of surgery again, I would be scared to death at the thought of someone operating on my brain. But the results of part of your brain being pressured to the extreme aren't very pleasant either. Depending on the part of your brain that isn't getting the blood it needs, the results could be downright nasty. Wouldn't it be better to find out and if neccesary, stop it now, rather than wait until maybe it gets worse?

As for the girl, don't have a lot to say there, except I'm not sure getting back together with her is a great idea, but you're a man so you're going to do what you want to do anyway. ;)

I've come here a couple of times to unload about stuff, and the support and replies I got were very helpful. I hope it will be the same for you, and that you will keep us updated.

*hugs*

wow.. sorry to hear all that.. my life hasn't been too rosy either but my woes are nothing compared to what you are (or could be) facing..

I've got only 4 more words to say..

get to the doctor

I know a small idea of what you had. I have had some black outs and stuff a few months ago some real nasty migraines. So I finally dragged my ass to the doctors and got my xray luckily nothing was wrong just alot of stress but still there is always the idea in the back of your head (no pun intended) that something can be wrong.

But bro, the faster you get help the faster you get better. It may also be nothing. After my car accident I had horrible migraines and Nauseau but it was due to my spinal cord.

You are already brave in my book and this is just a cake walk for ya! You can do it no prob.

haha.....wake up every morning look in the foggy after-shower mirror with both thumbs up and yell, "I AM AWESOME." It almost wakes you up as much as a cup 'o' coffee.


Hope you feel better bro.


Adiz

HT,

Just a thought, but any small thing that may be going on neurologically/physiologically is probably only compounded by the stress you feel. Since you're worried (as it would make sense to be) about the tumor reappearing, then it is possible that you're unconsciouslly feeling (or feeling more intensely) the symptoms that you would expect to feel as a result of a reoccurence. Not to belittle what you're feeling AT ALL - you need to GO TO THE DOCTOR ASAP, but I hope you take some small comfort thinking that there is good reason to hope that things aren't as severe as you fear they are.

And with that hope firmly in your mind, say your prayers, know that God doesn't give anyone more pain than they have the strength to deal with, remember that you got through this once already and GO TO THE DOCTOR ASAP .

Best of luck and God bless,

Meeeeeee

Dear fellow Canadian, and friend;

I agree, you need to get to the courage, what do you think would be worse, going to the doctor and have him possible have to do surgery on you (Hey, that might not even be the problem, you could just be ill, or it could be stress related) or have to tell your family, friends, and everyone you love, and everyone that loves you, that something is wrong with you? Doctor, right? Thought so. Hey, I may just be some 15 year old kid on the other side of the country to you, but I would hate to see you have something wrong. Expecially since there have been times when you've helped me, computer wise, and in life. To me, you're a great guy.

As for the girlfriend, I've been there, well, you know the story, since I've told you, and asked you for the help I needed. I guess it's my time to help you, and comfort you. Don't worry, everything will work out fine. It did for me. I wouldn't go back to her again. (Unfortunatly I made that mistake, and guess what happened? More lies, more cheating, more pain :-( ) There are better people out there. People who will treat you great, and make you feel like you're the best person in the world, and some time, you'll meet that person, and she'll be great. :-)

Think positive, act positive, stay positive. :-)

Peace, and good luck, we'll (I know I will) be pullin' for ya, and you know where to find me if you need too. :-)

-Dan

Quote:

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I haven't been to a doctor yet and I don't know if I even have the courage to go.

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You better get the **** out of here and go to the doctor, don't make me come all the way to Canada and drag your ass to the clinic man. It's better to go to the doctor and know what you have and if you can be okay than, can't even think about it. Die. Whenever i have to do anything i don't want to. I just think, i'll survive, this will be past me tommorow or you know, just think about the future, dont think about what's happening to you now. Think what you're gonna do after a certain event you don't like.

Good luck man. I love you:)

I'm not going to tell you to go see a doctor, since you're probably the one person that knows best he should.
Being among the people who criticized you, I would like to say though that we all liked the "old" HTRegz better ;) You are a worthy asset to this site, and I'm sure you'll keep on being one.

Take care HT.

Quote:

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Originally posted here by HTRegz
Apparently quite a few of ya have been finding me to be a grump as of late. I've been attacking every idiot I find, yes I did say idiot. Just because my flames weren't right doesn't mean you were either. Anyways, I've recieved a fair amount of criticism about it.

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Same here sometimes... the criticism also. Not as badly as before though.

Same ****, different situations I guess.

could try suicide
http://maddox.xmission.com/suicide.html