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Couple of good one's
Revenge!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that`ll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where`s the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What`s he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I`m doing to his business."
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A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.
The man says, "I’m celebrating in a way."
The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.
The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first *******."
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I`ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!"
The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot`s don’t get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don`t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we`ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you`re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, `You as horny as I am?` . . . and, she always acts like she`s sound asleep!"
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A man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y`see that cup over there? I`ll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender`s laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"
And the first guy says, "`Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you`d just laugh about it!
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife
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Can't help laughing man Good post
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Bah, you destroyed the joke about the man pissing over the bar.
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That's some funny stuff. Heard the one about the guy at the bar before though.
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A few old ones:Why does the mouse stand behind thr tree?He wants to trip the elephant.Why is the elephant lying on the ground?The mouse tripped him.
Why are you not allowed to walk in the bush after 2 in the afternoon?The elephants are practising parachute jumping.Why is the crocodile so flat?He was in the bush after 2..
What did the gnat say who was sitting at the elephants ass?Gone with the wind
Why do they not hang guys with mustaches?Ropes are far more convenient
How do you get 20 jews into a mini miner?Just chuck 20 cents into the car.How do you get them out?Ask who is going to pay for the parking.(NO OFFENCE GUYS)
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How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to find the corners of a round room...
How does that blonde confuse the world?
She finds the corner of the round room...
How do you again confuse the blonde?
You tell her that she found the wrong corner.... :D
