A few amusing ones.

----- The moral of the story is .........

The teacher gave her class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them
a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids
came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Michael said, "My father's a farmer
and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the car
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Sarah raised her hand and said,
"Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market.
had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,
and the moral to this story is,
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah"


"Ashleigh, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen.
Aunty Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory
all she had was a bottle of whisky,
a machine gun
and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break
and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking." :eek:

USMC PRESS CONFERENCE

For the few of you who missed him, R. Lee Ermey is the host of The
History Channel's "Mail Call" and played the Drill Instructor in the
movie, "Full Metal Jacket." He is a retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant and a
very plain speaker, as you will soon read.

So, for your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R.
Lee Ermey at his first press conference.The main topic of discussion is
the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death. We pick up as the
reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image in
the world:

Ermey: "What kind of a pansy-assed question is that?"

Reporter 1: "Well I think...."

Ermey: "THINK, Fancy boy?! Get this through that septic tank on top of
your shoulders, moron: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU
UNDERSTAND ME??? That Marine shot an ENEMY COMBATANT, SHITHEAD; SO GET
YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN
PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!!

Next question: You in the blue suit."

Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is
important?

Ermey: "Oh sure! You don't know the times I have cried myself to sleep
worrying about what some goddamned French pansy thinks! Oh the days I have
had to weep because some sh*t eating terrorist ****er might be mad at us,
because we went into whatever god forsaken hole in the sh*t that he lives
in and killed him.

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS??
WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING
TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO
PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE!!

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT
I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE SENSITIVE"
TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING
PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A
DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK
ON MAMMA'S TIT!! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT?? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS
ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING sh*t OUT OF YOU!!!

Next question: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE. LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS
HIDEOUS."

Reporter: 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by..."

Ermey: "FREEDOM?? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE
SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION!! WHAT
IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE sh*t-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE
LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE
UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE
ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN
ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I
AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMBNUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC,
ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY
OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT
CHICKEN-sh*t PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE
ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!"

Reporter: 3: "I..."

Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING,
NUMBNUTS?I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY-HOLE IN
THAT sh*t-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU
PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY
BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

You gotta love Australian Women



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their

new wives duties.



Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told

his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it
took

a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the

dishes were all washed and put away.



Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given

his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day

it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,

and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told

her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed,

laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first

day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by

the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little

out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the

dishwasher, and call a landscaper.



You gotta love Australian Women

Subject:letter from Michael Moore to GW



Date:Fri, 2 Sep 2005 13:16:16 -0700 (PDT)

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Dear Mr. Bush:

Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of
Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New
Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could
you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you
need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears
parking lot. Man, was that a drag.
Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers
are? We could really use them right now for the type
of thing they signed up to do like helping with
national disasters. How come they weren't there to
begin with?
Last Thursday I was in south Floridaand sat outside
while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my
head. It was only a Category 1 then but it was pretty
nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were
still homes without power. That night the weatherman
said this storm was on its way to New Orleans . That
was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't
want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you
don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers
to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and
smear. You sure showed her!
I especially like how, the day after the hurricane,
instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego
to party with your business peeps. Don't let people
criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was
over and what the heck could you do, put your finger
in the dike?
And don't listen to those who, in the coming days,
will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army
Corps of Engineers' budget for New Orleans this summer
for the third year in a row. You just tell them that
even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees,
there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix
them anyway because you had a much more important
construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN
IRAQ!
On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I
have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force
One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New
Orleansso you could catch a quick look of the
disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a
bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a
commander in chief. Been there done that.
There will be those who will try to politicize this
tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your
people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing.
Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would
happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexicois
getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this
inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming
Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a
hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one
F-4 tornado that stretched from New Yorkto Cleveland.

No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your
fault that 30 percent of New Orleans lives in poverty
or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get
out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not
like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine
leaving white people on their roofs for five days?
Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to
do with this!
You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of
our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the
people of New Orleansand the GulfCoastare near
Tikrit.
Yours,
Michael Moore
[email protected]
www.MichaelMoore.com

P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer
at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of
the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country,
stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can
catch up with them before they get to DC on September 21st.

President Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Tony Blair
sitting
over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! . What are
you
guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims this time and
one
blonde with big ****."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big ****? Why kill a blonde with big
****?"

Bush turns to Blair and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about
the 140 million Muslims

ROFL, man those're great...especially the interview with R. Lee Ermey! I love that guy!

Illegal Immigrants Poem.

Boy! This is worth passing on!..
Illegal Immigrants Poem
I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, Australian dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans, they come in trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
Australian crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think Australia bloody good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an
inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White?"

"White, Please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man ... and he replied,

"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!" :eek:

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather
dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says

"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged
on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Test the Law Agencies

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of
apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The FBI goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of
intensive investigations the FBI concludes rabbits do not exist.

The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest,
killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the
rabbit
had
it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"



John Howard hears about Bush's idea and decides to try it. To test
Australian law enforcement agencies, he releases a white rabbit into
Stromlo Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets
a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and
proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with
a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They
looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking
officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes,
with scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs
itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in
the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who
cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,
particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high
overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole,
the matter should be returned to the referring authority for further
analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.