A Few clean ones, and a few NSFW ones

The Bells - The Bells


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to observe.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter,"said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through,
one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, but....... "but his face rings a bell"


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."

( . . . Wait for it . . .. )

( .. . . It's worth it . . ..)





But he's a dead ringer for his brother

Bit Naughty


A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?" :eek:

Warning to Men cheating on the wife.

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said,

"Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

^^ LMFAO

The naughty one is great ... The previous ones were great to ... The one with the Bells is the least funny ...But still ok.

.C.

PHONE MENU AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE


Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.

If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.

If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.
She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist,Dr.Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vely bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse." ;)

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, " My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. The second man said, " My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, " My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio".

The fourth man joined them in the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, " We are just talking about
our sons. How is yours doing ?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer in a gay bar" The other three men grew silent as he continued, " I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio".

As usual fronties you seem to find random funny jokes out of nowhere... oh how DO you do it? :)