The Bastard Sys Admin from Michigan #13
BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#13
Written entirely by: gore
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Bad luck wind been blowin' on my back
I was born to bring trouble wherever I'm at
With the number 13 tattooed on my neck
That ink starts to itch
Black gon' turn to red
I was born in the soul of misery
And I never had me a name
They just give me a number when I was young
Got a long line of heartache
I carry it well
The list of lives I've broken
Reach from here to Hell
And a bad luck wind been blowin' on my back
Pray you don't look at me
And I Pray I don't look back
I was born in the soul of misery
And I never had me a name
They just give me a number when I was young
When I was young
When I was young
When I was young
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The 13th... Didn't know I'd ever get this far. Didn't know I'd ever write another one ever again.
Well, I am, so what to call this... Well, it IS number 13, it's an un-lucky number. For Lusers.
03:30 AM: I'm awoken from my slumber dreaming of a button on my keyboard that once pushed sends electrical shocks to OS/2 people... The phone is ringing AGAIN. For some reason they don't understand that if I didn't answer it 4 hours ago I'm not going to now.
I really need to install that new system I started. Let's just say it works wellwith keeping people off my back. You pull the face plate off the phone and hook up this little device that basically sends a shock to anyone touching the phone.
Should have done that yesterday.
The phone stops ringing for about 2 minutes and again they call back. I answer it:
"WHO THE **** IS THIS?!?!?! IT'S ALMOST 3 AM AND I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"gore?"
"WHO?"
"Is this 138-1388?"
"NO YOU **** IT ISN'T!"
"Oh I'm sor(CLICK)"
*RING*...
Verdammt ficken scheisse!
"Hello?"
"gore we need you in here NOW! the web server is down, the CEO is pissed and email isn't working either"..
"And I need 7 or more hours of sleep each night to insure you'll wake up in one piece tomorrow"
"Please come in..."
"Fine, we're still under contract anyway, so you'll owe me hmm... 3,000.00 dollars for what is most likely an idiot unplugging machines again?"
"Well we checked and the power is plugged in now get in here!"
4:00 AM:
I'm rarely eager to come into work 5 hours early. And when other people are there, even less. I pull in and see my boss standing in the parking lot. I run over his foot on purpose and then in my hurry to back up and make sure he's OK accidently run over both his legs..
"Oh sorry" I say as he's screaming.. "I must not be AWAKE YET".
"You're a bastard!"
"OMG REALLY???? HOW DID YOU FIGURE THIS OUT???? WOW NOTHING GETS PASSED YOU! MIND LIKE A STEAL TRAP! And looking at your legs, knees to match soon...HAHAHAHA"
"*Whimper*"
I walk and grab a wheel chair for the boss. Management ordered these shortly after I started for some reason. Ah well. I do what I can to make things better.
I walk out and in my rush to give aid to my boss accidently run over his head.
8 times.
*At the Hospital*
"I have no idea how it happened. They called me in so early! I got there and must have not been awake yet"
"Well he's OK now, he's got a concussion and two broken legs but I've put him on a Morphine drip an....."
I rush to my boss to make sure he's OK. I scribble in a pretty good copy of the Dr's signature to change his medication to chart to show allergies to Opiates. I take off with the Morphine bag and drive back to work.
The boss will appreciate my helping him stay clean. I'm sure he'll be re-thinking that charity for keeping kids away from drugs when he's being given nothing by Tylenol for the pain. Everyone is anti-drug until they need one.
I get back into work, plug both servers back in and fall asleep under my desk.
5:00 AM:
I get woken up again because Aeallison stumbles in drunk and doesn't know where he is.
Good thing I kept those activated charcoals I swiped from the Hospital.
"Morning Aeallison!"
"What the hell are yuuuu doin heeeeeer??"
"I made you Coffee!"
"Ohhhh zank youuuuuu!"
*Slurp* (Isn't this the same noise you'd hear if you'd been a fly on the wall while Ashly Simpson was getting a record deal??? Buahahaha)
"Hey, I feel weird!"
"You'll be fine man, you'll be fi..."
Aeallison interrupts me mid sentence to run off to the bathroom. Something tells me he won't be drunk, stumbling, or drinking anymore. At least for a while.
Ahhh the sound of vomiting in the morning... God that's gross.
I slam the sound proof door and pop in my head phones.
I'm half way through my Playlist of Slayer and Acid Bath when the head bean counter comes in.
He has a horrified look on his face.
"Yes?"
"Did you really kill your boss?????"
"Um, no. My chainsaw is still on the desk and I've only used it on the wall we were trying to get through to lay down cables"
"So why is he in the Hospital?"
"Called me in early, bothered me, which speaking of what do you want?"
"NOTHING!" *SLAM*
Fear.. It does a company good. Keeps the un-washed in line!
I check my email for the first time since I've been here and see my Perl filtering has paid off. the CEO sent an email to his secretary asking about a raise he was getting from her in responce to the one she asked for from him.
I'm sure his Wife would LOVE to see this.
I'll wait though, I have cameras installed in his office so I'll just wait for the X-games to begin then direct a live feed onto the net for everyone (including his Wife) to see.
7:00 AM:
Aeallison has gone home. probably that nasty beer again. I tell him to only drink German but no he wants Brittish beer. It they knew a damn thing about beer they wouldn't ever leave their own damned country.
I start up my new Espresso machine and open my new desk side fridge for a Jolt and some No-Doz because Espresso takes a while.
I slam the Jolt and start deleting user's mail when another filter pops up on my screen. The head security gaurd mentioned MY name in an email.
No respect these days. I use his digital signature and sign his quitting for good paper and send it off to the boss in his area.
****er.
Now let's see what he said...
"And gore, who the hell does he think he is? he walked right passed me with stolen hardware last week like he owned it!"
Hmm, come to think of it, maybe more than being fired in necessary...
I pull up the database that only Aeallison and myself know about, and enter in his name.
Once I have all his personal information, I call his phone company to cancel service, and continue down the line until he has no power, no phone, no net, and no gas.
Well I should at least leave him with gas... I give him a bean extract and tell him it's Candy. Which it is, but the extract has been added in with a couple laxatives.
He'll probably want running water when he gets home after that....Ah well.
09:00 AM:
I should be asleep still... I reach for my favorite sedative "The road ahead, by Bill Gates" and almost have it open when a user runs in to tell me their life story and how it pertains to needing more disk on the mail server.
I pull up their account and see they're using already 4 gigs... How the hell did that happen? I remember very clearly setting only 2 megs each and shutting off HTML attachments...
"Well you have 2 megs left :) "
"What? it was full when I left my desk"
"Well when you get back to your desk I'm sure you'll see the reason you won't be bothering me again"..
He leaves and runs RIGHT back in..
"You ASSHO."
*SLAM*
He lands head first into a PDP-11 with the case open I was using as a door stop... Ohhh that had to hurt.. And some bastard poured salt on the components!
"Are you OK?????"
"NO I'M NOT OK OWWWWWWWWWWWWw"
I record his screaming for "Bastard's funniest home videos" awards later and get down to business. Namely shoving him him down the trash dispencer.
A few thuds later and it's finaly quiet!
I'm just drifting off to sleep when the damn phone rings AGAIN.. Which is weird in itself considering I had it set up to go to my voice mail. Well, A voice mail, that basically said enter your user ID, and then deleted all the luser's files.
Apparently the switchboard guy didn't get my first joke when I hooked his chair up to hydrolics and make him walk like a slinky.
I decide to take a walk and check out the new health floor. Lots of excersize bikes. After a little messing around, I leave.
The Switchboard operator loves working out. He believes he'll live a longer fuller life if he doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs, and eats nothing but gross stuff.
The boss used to think the same thing a few hours ago, but I was smoking when I hit HIM. I guess you can't believe those truth commercials sometimes. Smoking doesn't kill, needing a cigarette does!
I pull up the CCTV monitoring in the fitness room and watch him hop on a bike.
*SLAM*
I'm sure the Proctologist will get a reall laugh out of that one. Hope he's good at his job...That handle bar looks pretty stuck.
Maybe the Dr can help find his head while he's reaching deep for the handle bars. Sending me call, pfft.
12:00 PM:
Aeallison has come back to work after a quick tummy pump and doesn't look like he enjoyed that prank as much as I did.
He sits down, then stands back up to tell me off, one slam of a drawer later and he's not looking for a fight anymore.
*Squeaking* Can you release my testicles please sir? */squeaking*
Damn.. He remembered the exact phrase this time.. Ah well *Pull*
You were saying?...
"Nothing!!"
Exactly!
"Looks like the boss hired on another admin before his accident. Apparently the guy is an MCSE"
"Great, I'll order the keyboards"
"Order the keyboards for what?" The head of IT asks.
"So when the new admin drools on them we dono't have to clean them"
"Drools?"
"Yes, apparently he's an idiot and likely to drool on the keyboard"
"Hahahaha well if he drools on the monitor it'll kill him won't it?"
"Well isn't that the final exam for an MCSE?"
"You bastard!"
"You head of IT!"
I don't get it, why call us bastards like we don't know?
The head of IT walks out, a little pissed off, and goes back to his office to find out just how manly levels of Quake he can get to before the end of his shift.
I think he's out for my job.
He's been testy lately. We told him not to use a Windows 95 machine as a desktop, but he didn't think it would be a problem. Of course that was before the 490 BSODs and 4,000 crashes.
Stable as a psych ward!
He knows to much though and may have to go soon. When mouthing off to him, I usually walk away. But last week, he said if I didn't watch it he'd switch the mail servers to Exchange.
I walked away and exchanged his home number on a few "alternative dating" new groups and now he thinks he's being shafted by someone in the company. Nice choice in words too.
I get back to important work (Playing Doom2 against Aeallison) and I'm about to shoot him with the Rocket Launcher when he types in idkfa and fires back and doges my rocket.
****!
"I won! I won! I wo" (SLAM)
"You what?"
"I lost"
"Yes, now, go to stores, grab those Candy coated laxatives, and come back, we need to make a delivery.
Once he's back, we sneak up to the 12th floor where the CEO is getting ready for a raise review from his secretary, and I managed to slip them in his candy dish.
That should make what's going to happen later a lot funnier.
3:00 PM
A scream echoing down from the top floor lets me know the CEO was mid-here's your raise when the candy did it's thing.
Apparently there is a HUGE mess all along the walls and windows.
I've heard of brown outs before but wow!
I decided not to do live video and instead recorded all of it.
Aeallison gets his copy and I make a few more for the CEO's Wife and the board of directors.
I'll get that SGI yet!
4:30 PM:
I get a call from the boss screaming at me that they won't let him go and how bad he's hurting and I hang up and unplug the line.
I don't want his whining to cut me out of the last 30 minutes of Doom2!
Contract re-negotiation time is around the corner and to help grease the wheels I grease the stairs before everyone who gave me a bad review uses them
Really you can't just Hope for some thing, you have to MAKE IT HAPPEN!
I'm pretty sure my raise won't be so bad now. Unless of course the heads don't put 2 and 2 together.
Just then, the CEO runs in. Apparently he found out about my candy.
I nod at Aeallison twice. He knows what to do.
I let the CEO tear apart a few bean counter servers they just happen to be storing the IT budget cuts on before security rushes in and tazers the CEO after an anonymous tip he'd been drinking on the job and rampaging around.
He gets carted off and I clock out.
Another fun day in Bastard candy land. It's all work work work !
