Dilemma in the workplace

You know, we should really build a management translator for people not used to it.

Even though I haven't had much IT job experience, I know the lingo they speak.

Stuff like "Well we didn't give out raises this year" which really means "Either we singled you out for being a **** head we can spit on or the CEO wanted a new car, or I wanted a new car this year".

Or "That's an interesting idea!" which really means either "I'll be taking credit for it" or "wow this guy should be fired but he'd probably come back with a gun" or it can mean "I really don't care, stop annoying everyone".

rofl!

I'll be sure to look out for those.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gore

You know, we should really build a management translator for people not used to it.

Even though I haven't had much IT job experience, I know the lingo they speak.

Stuff like "Well we didn't give out raises this year" which really means "Either we singled you out for being a **** head we can spit on or the CEO wanted a new car, or I wanted a new car this year".

Or "That's an interesting idea!" which really means either "I'll be taking credit for it" or "wow this guy should be fired but he'd probably come back with a gun" or it can mean "I really don't care, stop annoying everyone".

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Nice! let me add another one:
"Everyone Else in this company is happy with their job, your the only one that is unhappy and complaining with what their current job is!" (Tier1 Tech Support 3+ years at the time)

To be honest I dont know a translation for this one, my former boss told me this and got fired a couple months later for being an Un-Necessary expense ... go figure!

I just thought it was funny.

That's easy:

Translation ; "I don't know how to do my job and make you a happy worker so I'll just point out the other drones don't mind it".

I speak good boss. Comes with being a dick on purpose.

well hi all AO's

I have been off for the while

but cider has a typical problem as i have here in this company and was there in my previous job

to make it simple to you "Dont even think of bombing her PC" because since you will bomb her PC then she would give you more work as her PC is crashed and she would have a great excuse to give you work

other thing is when i get sales work i do things as below.

1) makes infinite mistakes in that work

and if the boss scolds you (reason : " i am lack with sales knowledge i have a skill of accountancy and not of sales )

and finally i apologize like with this sentence :" I am sorry sir i am working on this will try to make it better but untill i am not better i hope you will adjust with me"

2) and other trick is to avoid is

when i get a sales work

I go and ask that sales ladies irritating / stupid questions what should i talk to the customer?, what is the sales price?, how much can we negotiate?, and etc etc i think you are smart enough to make more questions ...


and thirdly you should not do this all time sometimes you should do the work perfectly

i do some work perfectly only if i am monitored by BOSS

and this all of above works perfect with me

and i call them Office Politics to safe guard your work from your end and not to get pressured with other work..

other things are onto you

Regards
KK

Rofl - im going into a meeting today about these sales endeavours I was supposed to complete but havent.

I will post his response and could someone translate it for me :P

Well?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JPnyc

Well?

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Well it was the same answer, step up the telesales phone calls. He defends this women infront of me as I throw things at him suggesting this isnt my line of work and I have too much technical things to do ...

Oh yes and the time management thing :)

I must go for less smoke breaks and do the work ...

Even though I only go for 3 a day which is a standard policy.

Time to check the want ads. It's none of my business, but I would be out of there as soon as it was possible. That's baloney, it's not part of your job description, it's not what you do, and they can't just suddenly decide they're going to pile it upon you instead of hiring somebody else to handle the overflow.

Maybe one of the salespeople should be fired in favor of somebody who can pull a greater load. Maybe they should manage their time better so other people don't have to finish their work. OK, I'm done ranting LOL

Here Cider; you can borrow my CV or Resume or whatever it's called

Objective:
Working with non idiots is a huge plus but not a requirement. Coworkers and management should understand that when I tell them their idea/solution is the dumbest ****ing thing I've ever heard that they shouldn't take it personally.

Summary:
Basically I'm the ****. If it's got wires and electricity I'm the man. If there's a ****ing keyboard attached back the **** up -- 'cuz I'm gonna rip **** up. I need a sticker for my keyboard at work that says "Bad Ass Mother****er." I'm all about truth in advertising; hell that should be on my business cards.

Work Availability:
Availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time”. Remote or “telecommuting” preferred.

Operating Systems:
Linux, HP-UX, Sun OS/Solaris, Cisco IOS, Palm OS, Win32, and some more **** that I probably forgot about. Pick one, I've probably used it. I'm the ****.

Programming languages:
It'd be easier if I just listed ones I've never touched: COBOL, Fortran, Pl1, RPG, basically weird **** that nobody under 40 has touched.

Databases:
Microsoft SQL Server, Oracle, Sybase, PostgreSQL, MySQL, Access

Other Technologies:
XML / XSL / XML:FO, CSS, HTML, EDI, COM, MFC, ATL, CGI, MGD, LSD, THC. I got more TLAs in my back pocket than is necessary.

Work Experience:

Possible job title: Un****er of greatly ****ed up things.
I was forced to learn how to tie a tie with a hangover because of that job. I didn't really have a dedicated role there so I generally just pointed out ****ed up things and ways to un**** them. We then put these instructions into the hands of people that shouldn't be given administrative rights on a ****ing Palm Pilot and expect them to actually read and implement what's laid out in plain English. I believe I am now qualified to train apes to do complex tasks after working there.

• Designed a web deployment system which would offer 100% uptime during software upgrades within weeks of arriving. The monkeys are still trying to apply a service pack successfully on the QA systems; I considered documenting instructions in 36 point font so emphasize fact that they should actually be read.

• I'm became the lead QA person for our vendor's software releases. They don't even bother testing them out before they send them to us it seems.

• Wrote untold bug reports that were ignored by vendor and sometimes submitted code to fix problem back to vendor. Vendor tech support informed me that that was a violation of their license agreement because I decompiled their code. I promptly gave the finger to my web browser and ignored it.

Application Developer / Programming Bitch

I worked a lot of unpaid overtime and was basically "programmer bitch" here. My time estimates were usually ignored and projects suffered because of it.

• COM based E-commerce package written in VBScript, Visual Basic 6.0 and Microsoft SQL server. We couldn't resell it like we wanted because $7k in licensing fees for a $5k application just didn't fly well with customers. Go figure.

• Perl/CGI E-commerce package which I inherited. It was ****ed beyond belief but I managed to actually make **** work from time to time.

• Prototype ColdFusion/MS SQL Server Learning Management System (LMS) for nation wide retail chain requiring integration with previously existing client-side educational software. This has got to be one of the stupidest projects I ever worked on but it made cash.

• Maintenance of existing ASP/VBScript, Chilisoft VBScript and Perl web sites which was more **** I inherited. Yet another cluster**** of code hopelessly beyond repair.


Developer / System Administrator
Currently working on an as-needed basis consulting for a new wireless ISP in West Michigan. Duties include:

• I don't really do **** anymore, but it kind of looks good on the resume, don't it?

Developer / System Administrator / Office Drunk

I developed an insane ability to drink at lunch while working here. I'm a much better person because of it.
Previous projects include:

• An online grocery store application that was hopeless. I managed not to kill the project manager on this one and I consider that a huge testament to my ability to work with ****ing idiots.

• Developer and architect of online virtual job fair with a team of four individuals. Initially written in ColdFusion and later re-implemented in PHP against a PostgreSQL database. Communication between the web application and a local IRC server were implemented in C utilizing a SysV IPC shared memory mechanism. It was so ****ing good it was resold by a previous employee.

• Lead developer and component level architect for PDM system for an automotive parts manufacturer. They shut down the company very shortly after deployment of the application.

Systems administration duties in Linux consisted of installation, configuration and maintenance of the following:

• Everything in the ****ing office.
• No, really, everything in the ****ing office.

Grand Valley State University, Web Developer

I think I did too many drugs and too much drinking to clearly remember this job. It had something to do with computers and I think web development. I'm not sure if it was stellar programming skills or the fact that I worked for next to nothing that kept me employed here.

I'm curious just how often that's worked :D

I got two serious hits when I posted on Monster years back.

ROFL!

Im gonna use it :P

thats the funniest resume I've ever seen, I'm definately going to use that just to see what kinds of people I can get to hit. :D