Got any good jokes?

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
*******?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
*******. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"


[gloworange]Dr Evil[/gloworange]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Two old pensioners are taking a walk down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old times sake, lets go there again, and we can see if history does indeed repeat itself"

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe a young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners go at it, he gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works, the little old lady slips off her knickers and hitches up her dress, the old man pulls
down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen, the pace they are going at it is phenomenal, limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second until finally they collapse and don't move for ages.
Well the man is stunned, never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from hisown experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself "I have to know his secret, If only I could s**g like that now, let alone in 50 years time."
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up the courage the young man approaches the pensioner and says"Sir, in all my life, I have never seen anybody s**g like that, particularly at your age - whats your secret? Could you go like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies....

"Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."

invader, you should have had that last joke hidden. but o well

All blonde girls (do not take this personal please!!!!!!!!!.)It is meant in good faith.

1.There was this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde walking on the opposite bank.”Yoo- hoo she shouts,” how can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river and down the river, then shouts back.” You are on the other side.”

2.A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded at the blonde behind the wheel. Who was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “, PULLOVER”! NO yelled the blonde back “IT IS A SCARF”!

3.A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence? She replied in a huff,” I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away and now you expect me to show it to you!”

4.A Russian an American and a blonde was talking the other day. The Russian said,” We were the first in space!” The American said,”We were the first on the moon!” The blonde said,” So what we are going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You can’t land on the sun you idiot you will burn up said the Russian. To which the blonde replied” We are not stupid you know, we will go at night”!

Hope you enjoyed it
regards
vanman:)