Jokes 4 Friday

A young lady in the maternity ward just,
prior to labour, is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present
at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies"

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby
on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the
young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but
I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I'm not surprised, I was
very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere
to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie.
The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," say the midwife, "that's really
none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to
ask you these awkward questions but I must also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes, I'm not surprised at this either" the girl
again replies, "you see another co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really
none of my business and I hate to pry further but
your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes, I imagine it has," continues the girl, "there was
also a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no
choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby
and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds
to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts
crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."

___________________________________________________

Jim walks into a bar and sees his friend Joe slumped over the bar. Jim walks over and asks Joe what's wrong.
"Well," replies Joe, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jim, with a smile.
"Well," says Joe, straightening up. "I finally worked up enough courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jim, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continued Joe, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my car and taped my privates to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Jim.
"So I get to her door," says Joe, "and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Joe slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

___________________________________________________

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You
made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.


___________________________________________________

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks : "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

DUDE, that rocked! This came amidst an autoloader repair with the wrong part, so I'm in a much better mood, haha..

Joke #1: I don't want to know, I don't want to know...
Joke #2: ROFL (kix0r in the face)
Joke #3: HOW TRUE
Joke #4: Never been there but how true is that

Good **** dude, very good...

Very Very Funny, especially number 3. I emailed it to all the managers at my office...lol

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20
years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out
today"


:D

It's always nice to have a good bit of humor to help you get through that last day of the work week - and guess what's coming? Weekend!!

Very funny. Thanks for chuckles.

There was a little man who went into a
coffee shop every day and said "I want
a good hot cup of coffee with cream and
sugar in it, and I'm not going to pay
because I'm not afraid of anybody".

Eventually the owner became annoyed
and hired a big bouncer.
The little man came in one day and
said "I want a good cup of coffee with
cream and sugar in it, and I'm not going
to pay because I'm not afraid of anybody".
The big bouncer came over to the little
man and said, "well, I'm not afraid of
anybody either". The little man turned
to the waiter and said "make that two cups".
:cool:

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet, and I made him myself in my own image, no sex was involved."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

that was kewl!

GODISNOWHERE!!

A guy and his girlfriend were about to have sex. The guy says honnie what color condom do you want to use tonight? She replied the yellow one. But we used that one last night and I threw it out into the street. She said she wouldn't sleep with him unless he got that condom. He agreed. He went outside to search for it and he saw a kid holding. He said to the kid, give that to me. The kid said no I found it first. Then the guy offered the kid a buck and he still said no. He raised it to five. The kid still said no. He really wanted to get laid tonight so he offered the kid 15 bucks. The kid agreed and went home. When he got home he told his mom this guy bought a cupcake off of him for 15 bucks and he already licked all the icing out of it.

excelent jokes... the lot of 'em...