Parents/Children After Divorce

Okay, this thread is part discussion, part me asking for advice, and part gripe session.

My son (7) has lived with me since his dad and I separated when he was 2. He has always been able to see his dad whenever it was convenient for him. However, now he is in school, and in the divorce agreement, I have primary custody of him during the school year, with "reasonable" visitation to his dad(I live in FL, and his dad in NC). Now I have really tried to go out of my way to make sure that he sees his dad a lot...Christmas break, Spring break, and all summer vacation. He talks to his dad at least every 2-3 days when he is here, and we have a "daddy envelope" that we mail things once a week to him..school work, pictures he draws, CD's we make for him...whatever he wants to do.
Anyway, now he is at his dad's house, and his dad has been making him feel very guilty about not going to school there. He says that daddy misses him, and doesn't get to see him enough. He wants to stay there and go to school, but I don't know how he really feels, because I don't ever get to talk to him without his dad standing right there. I KNOW that I am the better parent for him to stay with to go to school, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm very involved in everything he does at school, and we play sports together, and generally have a great time...at dad's house, it's more of eat cereal for dinner, play video games and watch cartoons all day, and go to bed when you feel like it. I don't feel like there is any actual harm to him in being there, but I feel like I provide a much more stable environment for him.

My question I guess would be:
If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.
If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

Thanks for the time...I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb :D

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If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son. If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

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Hrm... Well, I didn't really have much of a choice. My parents got a divorce back when I was a wee lil lad and my mom was granted full custody. My father was allowed to visit when ever but as long as it was reasonable. So far I've lived through it but think about "What if.." alot. I've turned out to be a 'normal' person. I have a kid of my own now and I'm still going to school. From a parental point of view, no, I wouldn't give in. I was in basically the same situation. My dad would let us have cake and ice cream for dinner and we would stay up till the crack of dawn playing video games. Like most kids, I loved it. I finally got my mom to allow me to move in with my dad a few years back.. With in a month I moved back. I don't really know what to tell you but IMO, he should stay with you. At least till he's a little bit older. Hope you get things worked out deb. Good luck...

Remote_Access_

My parents got separated twice... they divorced, remarried, then divorced again. Oh well, but anyways. I see my dad now not often at all, and that kinda sucks, but the last time he came over here and visited me that night he broke into our house and stole a T.V..... so, I can kinda see why my mother doesn't allow me to see him anymore. He called me today, actually, for the first time in two months. Kinda sucks not to be near him, even though he _is_ a "bad" person. It's important, IMO, to at least have a father "figure" in a person's life, and deb, you've shown me nothing but woman features, so unless ya new huzzy (ya have one?) is filling it in, I think you should allow your son to see him.

r_a's story is almost exactly what we experienced this year...my "kids" are my partners from a previous...we have full custody and have had for years...our youngest came to us last fall and said he wanted to move in with his dad...he'd been living with us full time except every second weekend...for almost 8 years now...he was 14 at the time...we said...ok..whatever you need to do...of course we are the ones who drive to..and pay for football ...soccer...feed, clothe...and of course set limits and are the ones who discipline...(bad guys ya know)...we still have some seriously heated arguments...but they're all because we actually care what the kids are doing...and they know it...even though they may not like it...;)

anyways...after 2 weeks..."dad" had to go on vacation and of course couldn't take #2 son...so he had to stay with us...he never went back...except every 2nd weekend...and to be honest...it's actually hard to get him to go over there these days...

kids are not stupid...i think most recognize the difference between "caregiver parent" and "party parent" ...some may take longer...but they will get it...they will never know how much you do for them...until they are eating cake for dinner...kids do want structure...security..and normality...they sometimes just don't know it consciously...

talk to your son...ask him what he wants to do...and explain just how you feel...and what you think is right...and why...one thing i've learned...kids are often way smarter than we give them credit for...


not a easy situation...especially because of the distance...but good luck...do what you think is right...

Ya, what zigar said. :D

I have experienced this from both sides...That is, as a child who's parents divorced, and as a divorcee....It hasn't affected me at all...Now, where did I put that shotgun? ;)


On a serious note, I watched my child go from an "A grade" student to a disruptive, disobedient brat in a matter of weeks after my divorce. Obviously the loss of a parent has a drastic effect on a childs feeling of well being and overall mental health. It's a terrible time for all concerned and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy...


Perhaps if The Church stopped pushing marriage upon people with their outdated "living in sin" concepts less children would have to go through the hardships of divorce? Or maybe I'm just trying to push the blame of a failed marriage onto someone else....


On a side note- it amazes how much information I give out about myself to people I've never met....I'm not even drunk! :D

It's different for everyone, because usually each case is different. My parents divorce when i was 13, I moved to Dallas Texas, and kept busy. Now, Since I only had my father, and we was working, then dating. I could have easily go wrong. But I thought I was going to be the next Jordan, so most of time I was busy at the rec center playing ball. But if somethings goes bad out of it. You just have to kept a head up about it, and hopefully everything comes out at the end.

debwalin > I lived throught my parents divorce, and managed to turn out somewhat normal. Neither of my parents per say tried to manipulate me, my father just didnt pay any attention to my brother and I, and gave up custody to my mother. I've seen very little of my father since their divorce (happened when I was probably around 6 i think, and im 19 now) Its probably better though, cause he was a lazy bum, and was a generally poor parent, but I digress. Your situation sounds similar to that of my parents, save for the manipulation part. Best advice would to be to trust your insticnt and heart, it will point you in the right direction.

well my situation is a little diffrent my real mother died in child birth *having me* it is a little diffrent i have never met my mom my grand mother raised me but 2 answer u r question deb i think u should do what u feel is right for u r son BTW u sound like a cool mom im sure u r son would make the right choice if u asked him

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Originally posted here by jehnx
My parents got separated twice... they divorced, remarried, then divorced again. Oh well, but anyways. I see my dad now not often at all, and that kinda sucks, but the last time he came over here and visited me that night he broke into our house and stole a T.V..... so, I can kinda see why my mother doesn't allow me to see him anymore. He called me today, actually, for the first time in two months. Kinda sucks not to be near him, even though he _is_ a "bad" person. It's important, IMO, to at least have a father "figure" in a person's life, and deb, you've shown me nothing but woman features, so unless ya new huzzy (ya have one?) is filling it in, I think you should allow your son to see him.

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My brothers dad (half brother we have different dads) broke into my moms house and toar up the place, out of spite. He's been in prison for 3 years over it but things can turn nasty in a divorce, when my parents got divorced it wasn't so bad but deb: my brothers dad did some of the stuff you were talking about trying to manipulate him. You got to lay down the hammer before things get out of hand be like if you don't like me that's fine but drag our kid into this or I'll take him away from you and if he makes some sort of similar threat be like you don't have custody and kidnapping can cairy a 10 year prison sentence. It's harsh but the child's the important thing.

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Originally posted here by debwalin
did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you?

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well first off remember that he may not be actually concenciously TRYING to manipulate your son, but rather expressing his true feelings of missing his son, which would make the child feel like it is their fault, even if it wasnt intentional.

on the other hand, i think that given human nature it is almost to be expected that one or both of the divorced parrents will attempt to manipulate the children, atleast to some degree.

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I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.

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well, also keep in mind the emotional effects that spefically denying him his request could have on him. if he really wants to live with his father and you were to disallow it, that could be very painfull as he may see it as you punishing him for no(perceved) reason other than loving his father.

of course, the real question is which would be worse? that would depend on how badly he actually wants to move up there for the school year, and only you can guage that, and only when you two are alone. perhaps visit some time and offer to take him out for icecream or something and talk to him then.

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I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

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it may help you if you stop looking in terms of "what you think is right" vs "what he wants" and try to just look objectivly at the situation. if he does go up there he will obviously enjoy himself, but will he recieve propper support to encourage good habbits for school? will the enviroment be condusive to good health for him? what effect will moving away from all his current friends and having to find new ones have? does he want to go to be with his father or does he just want to go because of the relaxed rule set that is enforced there? does he really NEED bed-time rules and such, or would removing those rules help him become more independant? i really think that there are so many micro-details involved in cases like this that it is hard to judge on anything but a spefic case-by-case basis.

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I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb :D

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heh, for the "size" situation you are dealing with i'd say that was VERY concise...you probably could have written a small novel had you let yourself go:p

[ADDED]

and by the way, that post was not to imply that you hadn't thought about all that stuff already, but rather to offer you a few(possibly) new ways to look at it.

As a child of a DIVORCE my father wanted nothing to do with us three boys, and my mother had too many issues, and we were all dumped onto my grandmother. She was very ill, and had more than she could handle with us three, but she still did it. My father re-married, and was happier than an ()*)(*$)*@$ with his step children, and didn't want anything to do with me "Except the time he smashed a beer bottle against my head when he was drunk, and wanted a hug and I refused" got some nice scars from that, and my Mother re-married and she still had a partial relationship with us, when her husband allowed. Well my grandmother passed away, the only one that was ever there for us, and now my mother is trying to fill the void by 1. trying to get me to help her out witll all her bills because I'm sucessful, 2 missing my brother's graduation, 3 telling everyone she thinks my father's brother is my brother's father, I can go on if you like, but no one wants to hear about my life story which can almost be a Jerry Springer Made For TV movie... Well I can some up how I feel about my parents in two words F That.... I am just trying to get away from it all.

Well, I certainly appreciate everyone's input on this. I tried to not bad-mouth his father in the previous post, and I still don't want to, so I'll just put it like this: he doesn't care for his basic needs in the way that I do...since he was 2, every trip to the doctor, dentist, eye doctor, every shot he's ever had, every stitch of clothing he's had I have paid for. He is of above normal intelligence, so we hired a tutor to help him with a few things he doesn't get at school. His dad has had no part in any of this, mostly because he doesn't have any money to help out, because he is raising his g/f's three other children. :rolleyes:

Jehnx: I am re-married, and he is as involved with my son as I am. My son has at other points admitted to me in conversations that he wishes "Bubba" (what he calls my husband) was his father. So a father figure is definitely in the picture, but that's not the point of what I'm saying. I DON'T want to replace his real father...no one can do that. I'm just concerned about whether he will do the best he can if he is with his father full time. And I'm certainly not planning on not letting him see his father.

Prodikal:

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well my situation is a little diffrent my real mother died in child birth *having me*

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Yikes...that's a whole different ballgame, and I kinda feel like a small person to be complaining when you have something like that to deal with.

Zigar:

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of course we are the ones who drive to..and pay for football ...soccer...feed, clothe...and of course set limits and are the ones who discipline...(bad guys ya know)

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Yeah, I know...we are too.

c0nf1rm3d:

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On a side note- it amazes how much information I give out about myself to people I've never met....I'm not even drunk!

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That's exactly what I was thinking when I started this, but I couldn't think of a place where I could get several different opinions from different (relatively) intelligent people without spending the next several weeks standing on a street corner polling people....lol!

R_A: thanks for an opinion from a child of divorce point of view.

I still don't know what on earth I'm going to do...but at least I get the feeling that a mother's instinct is still one of the best ways to go. I'm going to keep thinking (and worrying and stressing and freaking out) about what I should do, and I'm still open to any suggestions....

Deb ;)

Wow, tough place to be in. From a divorce perspective, I probably got the better end of the stick. My Dad separated from my mom when I was a senior in High School. My mother moved back to her home town 1500 miles away after I graduated, taking my sister with her. I ended up going to college up there as well, turning down a scholarship. Why? Cause I needed to be with my mother, and she needed my support.

But my father still tries to convince me that I should move back down there. When I was unemployed, he kept sending me jobs from the south, in an attempt to sway me. It really sucked -- all my friends were down south, but all my family and new friends are up north now.

But I was also a military brat. I know what it's like to switch schools, and it sucks. Plain and simple. No child should have to go through it, period, if it can be helped.

Your child is also too young to really be making a decision. Your ex trying to coerce him like that isn't fair to your kid. You need to talk to your ex and calmly tell him that this isn't what's best for the child, and emphasize that -- not best for you, or him, but for the child. That's all that is really important. When he gets older, then he can make a decision on his own. Right now, just let him be a kid. Growing up is hard enough. If his father can't accept that, then I'm sorry that he can't do what is best for your son. I understand that he wants to be with his son, but disrupting his young life just for his father's sake is wrong.

Deb,

My parents got divorced, and Look I became the Chat Nazi, actually I moved in with my dad because he is the more stable of both my parents. He was the one who laid down the rules and told us what we could or couldn't do. Though even to this day, my mom trys to pressure me to moving back w/ her and my sisters (20 now). You seem like you will do the right thing Deb, unfortunately my mom is not sooo good. She talks **** about my dad, and provokes fights with me everytime I see her. I stopped going to family get togethers on her side of the family starting last Christmas. Now I just go on vacation or go to a friends. I can't tell the full term effects of the divorce because it happened when I was 15 and its only been 5 years. I will keep you posted.

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Originally posted here by debwalin
Okay, this thread is part discussion, part me asking for advice, and part gripe session.

My son (7) has lived with me since his dad and I separated when he was 2. He has always been able to see his dad whenever it was convenient for him. However, now he is in school, and in the divorce agreement, I have primary custody of him during the school year, with "reasonable" visitation to his dad(I live in FL, and his dad in NC). Now I have really tried to go out of my way to make sure that he sees his dad a lot...Christmas break, Spring break, and all summer vacation. He talks to his dad at least every 2-3 days when he is here, and we have a "daddy envelope" that we mail things once a week to him..school work, pictures he draws, CD's we make for him...whatever he wants to do.
Anyway, now he is at his dad's house, and his dad has been making him feel very guilty about not going to school there. He says that daddy misses him, and doesn't get to see him enough. He wants to stay there and go to school, but I don't know how he really feels, because I don't ever get to talk to him without his dad standing right there. I KNOW that I am the better parent for him to stay with to go to school, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm very involved in everything he does at school, and we play sports together, and generally have a great time...at dad's house, it's more of eat cereal for dinner, play video games and watch cartoons all day, and go to bed when you feel like it. I don't feel like there is any actual harm to him in being there, but I feel like I provide a much more stable environment for him.

My question I guess would be:
If you are a child of divorce...did one or both of your parents try to manipulate you? Did you live thru it to become a normal person? I'm really worried about the emotional effects this will have on my son.
If you have children, whether you are divorced from their other parent or not, would you give in? I wonder if I should let him do what he wants to, or do what I really really think is right.

Thanks for the time...I know this was long, and I tried to make it as concise as possible.

Deb :D

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The Key word here Deb is 'Child'. A childs mind is easy to manipulate. And YES, my parents did manipulate me, my father would tell me how awefull my mother really was, and vice versa. Its like, I didnt figure out that they didnt like each other when they divorced? You must educate your son on what happened when he's old enough to understand. Giving a unbias report on the events that unfolded to create the world he lives in today... I had no Idea why my parents divorced. For years they lied to me about it. That was the worst scar of all deb. The lies...
They hurt so bad...

Should you 'give in' as you put it... No. Don't let him do what he wants to, he doesnt know what he wants. He's 7, he barely knows how to tie his shoes. Ya know... Its easy for his father to convice him he is doing wrong by not living with him, because his father has a hand over you. He' is the dad. Dad means ALOT to a boy. My dad did the same thing. Told me to come down to Houston and live with him and his NEW wife. And I almost did. But I saw the un-nearving look in my mothers eyes as I asked her about moving down there. It definatly was alot more fun there. We would go out all the time, really made living at my mothers look a lot like prison. So, if he is not directly slandering you, then he is indirectly making himself look better than you. Making the everyday life over there an adventure.

Listen Up DEB, try and spice up the everyday life for him. (Gawd, I sound like a marriage counselor) Seriously, just Up and Take him for a go-cart ride. Have a mommy and son day where he skips school and you guys hang out...ect... tell him how much he means to you.
Take him to church. Show him the world outside his safezone that mom has built. Hmmm..... Hope this helps.

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Seriously, just Up and Take him for a go-cart ride. Have a mommy and son day where he skips school and you guys hang out...ect... tell him how much he means to you.

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Okay, didn't help much...but I feel like a better mommy now anyway....we do ALL of those things!! That's why this hurts I guess, because I really go all out to be a fun mom, despite the fact that I'm the one who has the rules. We have rules, but we also break them once in a while. It's not like a prison, but I feel kids need structure and definition in their lives.

And for those parents of you who haven't done it....let your kid stay home with you one day. I know it's hard when you work, but have you ever called in just because you didn't feel like going today? Next time you do it, let your child stay home too...at my house we call them "mental health days." We bake cookies, watch movies, play tickle monster on the couch, and in general act really really silly. And I can feel the effects for weeks after. It's a good way to bring your child back into your life if you feel "disconnected!"

Deb :D

My parents split up when I was 12+-, so I got to see the hell that was their marriage. Yes I was affected deeply by the way that they treated eachother & me. They didn't exactly try to manipulate me, just make aech other seem like the @ss that caused the problems.
My best advice in this situation is to try and explain why things are the way they are, but DO NOT make anyone out to be the villan. Then explain why he is with you (stability, responsibel one, etc). Even though he is young, kids catch on to this stuff quicker than we did.

When I was about 14 or so, my dad finally moved out of the house because the marriage wasnt working out. It never had. My mom thought he coulf change him and try and make him better, but my dad never gave a crap, and through the years i noticed that. A year after he moved out about, he finally asked for a divorce. No one in the family really cared much. I never really cared much for my father, for it was my mother who always there and did stuff for me. (IE: help with homework, giving me rides to friends houes, etc). She still is always there for me too. However, my dad tries and manipulates my brother and making him think he is the greatest person on Earth by never setting any rules and so on, and I can see how it hurts my mother a lot. Sometimes I just want to beat down my so called "father" for doing such things.

Anyway, my point isthis: debwalin, just keep up the good parenting. Some day in the future your son will really think of you as the better parent and look up to you, even if right now he doesnt see it that way.

I hope you're also asking for advice from somebody/some group that is more qualified than a computer forum, if you really need it and arent just venting anyway.

My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4, I know I was 4 when my mother and I moved, but the details of the divorce are sketchy to me. For a very long time I would see my father every other weekend, both parents badmouthed the other until I was about 10 when I told them to quit it. Something about a ten year old child telling you to stop badmouthing the other parent can hit home I guess, because both of them quit. Long story short, I'm fine. If the father plays video games with your son all night then he needs a friend, not a child, do what you think is best for the kid. Let him know that his voice is heard, so he is allowed to have an opinion about where he would want to live, but also let him know that he doesn't get to decide that.

I feel for you and your child. My parents had a messy divorce when I was young, and they both tried to "influence" me for one thing or another, especially when it came down to whom I wanted to stay during the school year.

I just went through a divorce myself, and the one thing I kept in mind was what was best for my child. I can tell you first hand that the best thing to do is to talk to your child, explain the situation and your reasons for any decisions you make regarding him..you may be amazed at how much they actually understand ( I was 3 and I still remember it all). I would also advise you to keep your child's best interest in hand on all decisions, even whether or not you or your husband might be the best person to be with during the school year (since I'm not privy to all the information from all sides, I prefer not to comment or take sides).

Whatever your decisions are, I wish you and your son well, bless ya both.

This is an unbelievable coincidence: Just while I was reading this thread, my sister is asking my dad about divorce. My parents seperated a few years ago (it was definately a good thing) and right now we both live with our dad, and see/talk to mom pretty regularly. My sister kept asking why they didn't go through and do a full divorce instead of just sperating with certain agreements in place. Anyone else have an opinion on this? Is having yourself down on paper as divorced a good thing?

Also, I get a whole lot of the badmouthing/manipulating things. I try to ignore it, but it can nasty sometimes.

My parents divorced when I was young. I lived with my mom as my dad was a serious alcoholic. He never called, never wrote, never sent any child support. When I was about 16 he decided he wanted to talk to me again......I wasn't the slightest bit interested and I still don't talk to him to this day.

Now I'm not punishing him or anything like that, I just don't have any interest in having any kind of relationship with him. I even turned out as a decent human being (for the most part).

With your situation I think you just have to stick with what is best for the kids....them staying with you.

I couldnt imagine not being able to talk to my young son or daughter except on the weekends, or having to wait another six months until summer for them to spend time with me. All the while the child's mother swearing up and down that Im a bad parent. I was grown when my parents divorced, so I had already developed a tight relationship with my father and mother, however my sister was not, and now because my mother has been feeding her all of the hatred and resentment she has toward my father, my sister will not talk to him, visit him, or even write him. My father loves her, yet he might never earn her respect. At the same time if my father had been given her custody, my mother might be in his situation now. It seems to me, that they were playing a game of who gets the most after the divorce, and the kids were in the equation with the cars.

When my father found out my mother was pregnant with me, he shot out of our lives. I have grown to the age of 18 with no strong male role model, and I feel that I have grown to the best of my ability. I do not feel I am less then anyone else, more like at times I think I am superior.

Perhaps I created my superiority complex because I felt I was lacking something without two parents. I still maintain strong relations with my fathers side of the family, just not with him in particular. I do this of my own free will, I will not be involved with a person that hasnt spent a single moment of his life with me.

Im sure your son will turn out just fine. Divorce can be a struggle, as I have watched my mother go through it once. But once you even out, things flows fairly straight, even though there may be a few kinks along the way. Atleast your son has a father to spend time with, and most of all, a father that wants to spend time with his son.

As a child of a DIVORCE my father wanted nothing to do with us three boys, and my mother had too many issues, and we were all dumped onto my grandmother. She was very ill, and had more than she could handle with us three, but she still did it. My father re-married, and was happier than an ()*)(*$)*@$ with his step children, and didn't want anything to do with me "Except the time he smashed a beer bottle against my head when he was drunk, and wanted a hug and I refused" got some nice scars from that, and my Mother re-married and she still had a partial relationship with us, when her husband allowed. Well my grandmother passed away, the only one that was ever there for us, and now my mother is trying to fill the void by 1. trying to get me to help her out witll all her bills because I'm sucessful, 2 missing my brother's graduation, 3 telling everyone she thinks my father's brother is my brother's father, I can go on if you like, but no one wants to hear about my life story which can almost be a Jerry Springer Made For TV movie... Well I can some up how I feel about my parents in two words F That.... I am just trying to get away from it all.

my parents divorced 11 yrs ago, i am almost 15 now and so far, ive grown up fairly normal, i lived with my mom for 10 yrs and visited my dad every other weekend for the most part, now i live with him and although its not entirely the same as visiting every other weekend its still great, i still have a fairly good relationship with my mom still although she was pissed when she heard that i wanted to move in with my dad but in the end she realized that if it wasnt right for me i would come back to her. now i go and visit her every other weekend, and my opinion is that for the kid's earlier years its better to live you with you, his mom. then when he gets older you should let him see if he wants to live with his dad or if he still wants to live with you.
as for the part about did either of my parents try and influence me? yes, my dad really doesnt like my mom much and my mom doesnt like my dad much although she's more civil about it. they both wanted me to live with them and they never talk to arrange when we're gonna meet so i can visit the other one, i am always the conduit and if one of them wants me to tell the other one something mean, i tell them they can do it themselves or dont do it because im not going to be mean, ive made my own decisions and i love them both.

i no he needs to make his own decisions, so talk to him and explain everything very plainly while trying to keep everything neutral, not hes bad and im good, but keep the kid even if at the time he gets mad at you at the time, in the end hell realize it was the best thing for him.

shkuey, wise words along with poignant remarks!!

deb, it's a very tough situation. i, like many others here am a child of divorced parents. one who was stuck in the middle of "daddy loves you more than mommy" arguments. followed up with gifts and privaledges just to make the other parent angry and jealous. many nights i watched from the car and bedroom windows as my parents yelled at each other in the street and threatened each other that they would take me away from the other one. w/all this **** going on i turned out just fine. and i think i'm even a better parent for it, (IMHO)

in referencing this back to your situation; it doesn't take very long for a child to see the BS. watching my daughter grow up, i can see how quickly they see thru the crap and how they can decipher right from wrong. my best advice is to just love them. as corny as that sounds, it does take you in the right direction.

good luck, and my best wishes go with you!

As a father of a child of divorce, I'm going to put my two cents worth in on this subject. I did not have custody of my son (now 18) but was fortunate enough to get very liberal visitation through the court (the only limitation was giving 24 hrs notice before picking him up). Through the years his mother tried repeatedly to tear me down in his eyes, manipulate him emotionally, the whole nine yards. In response to these tactics, I was (and still am) totally honest with my son concerning any questions he asked concerning statements his mother had made about me. I would explain, to the best of my ability, the reasoning and motivations behind his mothers actions without casting a negative light on her. I explained that after reaching a certain age, he could make up his own mind about who he lived with, that he was welcome to live with me if he wanted, but that who he lived with would not change how I felt about him. In short, I refused to play that 'emotional tug-of-war' game with her. By refusing to play, I unintentionally won the game. It didn't take him long to figure out what was REALLY going on, and he does have some harsh opinions about his mother because of it, though not enough to change the fact that he loves her. I guess what I am saying is for you to just be honest with your son about what is happening, give him an objective view of whats happening that is not emotionally biased (not easy, but not impossible either). He can figure the rest out from there.....children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. The main thing is to do the best thing for the child. As parents (of divorce) it is our duty to put our personal agendas and feelings second to the happiness and well-being of the child, a lesson your ex would benefit from in the long run. I wish you the very best of luck in this difficult situation.

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I guess what I am saying is for you to just be honest with your son about what is happening, give him an objective view of whats happening that is not emotionally biased (not easy, but not impossible either).

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You are so right. I do this, I don't get overly emotional talking about this with my son, and I try to make him understand that the one thing that really matters is that I love him. And so does his dad, even though it kills me sometimes when I really want to scream that his dad is being a true butthole, and is just doing this to make me miserable!!! ARGH....but I stay completely calm, and then I get off the phone and cry like a baby with my husband...lol.

Thank you for the dad's view on this. I don't want it to be seen as me trying to take anything away from father's...they are extremely important, and in a lot of cases, they are the best parent. This doesn't have anything to do with me feeling like moms are more important than dad's at all....I just want what's best for him. And in this case, I feel like my husband and I provide more stability, and safety for him.

Thank you so much.

Deb

AAAAAA, two cents goes a long way. Though my parents should have, they never divorced. I failed in marriage 2 times. My oldest 2 children are 22 and 18 now. We shared week-ends and were very open with visitation. They are both fine and we talk alot. For the second failed marriage, well much a different outcome. We divored, she took my son with her to public housing, by the time he was 3 he cursed better then me. Her and i got together to get him out of there, only to split ways again. That day we looked at a boy of 8. She said she wanted him, i said i wanted him. Guess what? We left him decide. My son and i still live here, he is my best friend. She calls about once a month. He is now 12 going on 21, haha. I have this to say. Never let out the children, they have a choice deep inside that must be heard over the fighting. Second, "single parenting is the hardest but most rewarding thing a PERSON can do" Stick with it Deb, Ask the child his wishes...........