Got any good jokes?

Anyone out there got any good jokes? And I mean good jokes, not "What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rino? An Hel-ef-I-Know." Nothing like that.

Heres a starter, you may find it disturbing or hilarious.

A man gets a call from the hospital that his wife has been in a terrible accident. The man races to the hospital and bounds inside. As soon as he finds the doctor he attacks him with questions. "Is she alright?" "Will she be OK?" "What happened?" the man says all at once.
The doctor stands there for a moment and finally says,"I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been in a terrible car accident. She has become paralised from the waiste down. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, clothe her."
The man breaks down and begins to exclaim," This is HORRIBLE."
"Just kidding," the doctor says, "Your wife is dead."


Now your turn.

ummm, did you ceck the "tech humor" boards? theres a million awesome jokes there, not to be mean or anything, i just dont have any right now so im recommending you go there and look around.

and there's always a lil' contribution from my side, in such forums......


After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time, and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." :)

The three little sisters are sitting on the sidewalk talking, one 13, one 8 and the other one about3 years old.So the eldest one asks what does your instinct tell you about how many children you are going to have?She looks down and says my instinct tells me about 2.The second one looks down and replies about 3.So now this whole thing makes the little one think and she looks down and replies"mine also smells but it still does not tell me anything.

Here is some of my favourites to ask people:

1.What did the gnat say which was sitting at the elephants behind?..gone with the wind.
2.Why is the mouse standing behind the tree?..He wants to trip the elephant..why is the elephant lying on the ground?He was tripped by the mouse.3.Why are you not allowed to walk in the bush after 2pm?..The elephants are practising parashute jumps...Why is the crocodile so flat?..He walked in the bush after 2pm.

An eskimo pulls into a gas station with engine trouble on his snowmobile, the attendant walks up and takes a look under the hood. "hmmm..." he says and looks up at the eskimo "looks like you've blown a seal."
The eskimo wipes his face and says nervously "er.. no, that's just snow on my mustache"

A blonde goes to the doctors with two burnt ears and the doctor says, what the bloody hell happened here. the blonde said, someone rang and i accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone. the doctors replies back, so what happened to the other one (the ear) to which the blonde replies, they rang back.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an
after work cocktail with her girlfriends
when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive
stare & walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for
being so rude for staring, the young man
said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the
condition was. The young man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a
moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly
counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly
pressed into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

Here's anouther good but strange joke. Keep an open mind.


A boy running in circles in the living room said, "Mommy, mommy, look what I can do!"
"Shut up," screached the mother, "or I'll nail the other foot to the floor."

I've got two (my favorite one):

1.Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a porche.



2.One day this blonde walked into a store and said
"I`d like to buy that TV."
The salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to
the store and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes." The man replied again.
She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store
and said "I`d like to buy that TV."
Again the man said "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
The blonde finally asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"
The man said "Because that`s not a TV its a microwave."

Some people may find the following joke offensive. So if you find jokes regarding sex offensive, please read no further...

You have been warned.


****
A Mans wife has been in hospital, lying in a coma for 3 months now. A nurse was giving her her daily sponging, and she noticed that when she rubbed the sponge over her pubic region, the comatosed women twitched and moaned.

The nurse immediately notified the doctor and confirmed the finding. So the husband was called to the hospital.

"We believe we have found a way to revive your wife, and we think that oral sex may do the trick."

So the husband and wife are given a bit of privacy so he can test the doctors theory.

Half and hour later, the husband comes out crying. The doctors ask what is wrong?

"My wife is dead!" says the husband.

"Dead. How on earth did she die?" the doctor asks.

The husband replies, "She choked".

Just remembered some good blonde jokes.


1. A blonde driving by a corn field spots anouther blonde in a rowboat in the of the field. She suddenly screaches to a halt, gets out of the car, and starts to scream and cuss out the blonde in the boat. "Its blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name," the blonde on "shore" scrame. "If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass."


2. One day, a blonde discoves that she is short on cash and decides to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She goes to the local park, finds a child, and pins a note to his shirt saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave $1000 next to the tree in the park," and sends the kid home. The next day the blonde goes back to find a paper sack with the money in it and note attached that said, "How could you do this to anouther blonde."

Like a joke,

One day a "perfect" man and a "perfect" woman got married, lived in a perfect house, had two perfect kids, bought a percect car and were living a perfect life. One perfect night on Christmas day, and after buying a lot of perfect presents for their perfect kids, they were returning home and on the way they saw Santa Claus without his "vehicle" and without chances of giving the presents to the all the kids in the city, so being the perfect couple, the perfect man and the perfect woman decided to help Santa Claus this night. So they drove their perfect car through the city leaving the presents for all the kids in their respective houses. But suddenly, when Santa's bag of gifts was almost empty, they had an accident, crashed the car, and two of them died. So, and think carefully... who was the person that stayed alive???... ...obviously the "perfect" woman... because we all know that Santa Claus and the "perfect" man don't exist.

But there's one more thing... if Santa Claus and the "perfect" man don't exist... who was driving the car???... ...the "perfect" woman..., so... ha!!!, that's the reason for which they crashed the car!!!

Here's another one - Once upon a time, a Blonde applied to Medical School needless to say she never made it because these are the answers she gave......

QUESTION: Define the following terms?

ANTIBODY - against everyone
ARTERY - the study of fine paintings


ASPHYXIA - get a "Butt Job"
BACTERIA - back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN - what you be after you be eight


BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u
CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty
CHRONIC - neck of a crow


COMA - punctuation mark
CORTIZONE - area around local courthouse
CYST - short for sister
DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose
DILATE - the late British princess
DISLOCATION - in this place


DUODENUM - couple in jeans
ENEMA - not a friend
FALSE LABOR - pretending to work
FECES - nasty countenance
GALLBLADDER - bladder in a girl


GENES - blue denim
GROIN - to mash to a pulp / smile
HERNIA - she is close by
HYMEN - greeting to several males
IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known
LABOR PAIN - hurt at work
LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot
LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss
LYMPH - walk unsteadily
MENOPAUSE - I no wait
MICROBES - small dressing gowns
OBESITY - city of Obe
PACEMAKER - winner of Nobel Peace Prize
PROTEIN - in favour of teens
PULSE - grain
PUS - small cat
RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula
RUPTURE - ecstasy
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEMEN - sailors
SERUM - sailors drink
SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

TABLET - small table

;)

Some may find these offensive...

Q: How do you find a baby in long grass?
A: With a lawnmower.

Q: How do you stop a baby swinging from a clothesline?
A: With a shovel.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: What do rednecks do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

:rofl:

Just a quickie:

What d'ya call a donkey with three legs?

Wonky

:D

What's grey, sits at the end of your bed, and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

What would it take to re-unite the Beatles?
2 bullets

Whats yellow, and lives off dead Beatles?
Yoko Ono

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

A man recieves a phone call from his doctor one day. The doctor sounds very concerned, and informs the man that his wife's lab results were mixed up with someone elses, and they don't know whether she has a heart defect, or AIDS. The man asks the Doctor "Well what can I do?", the Doctor replies "Send her out running. If she comes back, DON'T **** her!"

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear.
I just take my dentures out rip back the skin and suck them dry.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,"
he said to the bartender.

"We got her" replied the bartender.
"She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"
Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner.

"I don't" replied the hooker
"but I thought you might want to open those beers"

the pic and second joke curtesy of deadendweb.com

EDIT:actually the first joke is there to i just noticed but i wrote it the way i heard it

NIce jokes guys Thats Funny

well, this may not be funny to some of you, but its a real life joke. my friend keeps saying 'I am one of the elite' and so i said, 'oh, so your l337?' and he stares at me with a blank look on his face until i realize hes a moron and explain it. another laugh at the same guy, he 'uses' mIRC but when i just called it IRC he had no idea what i was talking about.

a small amount of knowledge can do a large amount of damage...

I think you may like this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hunters were walking through a forest looking for the trophy buck. After a few hours, they began to realize that they are hopelessly lost.
The first hunter, Jim, turned to the second hunter, Bob.
"Bob, how are we going to get back to the truck?"
Jim replied, "Bob, try firing a shot in the air, maybe someone will come out here and find us."
Bob fired a shot into the air, and the hunters waited. After an hour, still no one responded to their distress call. Bob fired a second shot into the air, and they waited a little longer. Still no hope of being rescued.
"Bob, maybe you should fire one more shot in the air," said Jim.
Bob replied, "I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Well Jim, I just ran out of arrows." :D

I know it's corny, but when I heard it, it about killed me.

i was going to place this post as hidden, but i figured it doesnt have any explicit content in it other than the one that materialises in your own mind, but when i saw it i pissed my self laughing. so...


A married couple returns to the same hotel room where they had spent their honeymoon forty years earlier.

The wife takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, and spreads her legs.

The husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"Forty years ago," he says, "I couldn't wait to eat it, and now..."

"Now?" she asks.

"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Johnson enters the gynecologist's examination room, and then disrobes.

During her examination, the doctor remarks, "Your vagina is the biggest I have ever, ever seen."

When she arrives home later that afternoon, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down.

Just then, her husband walks in early from work. Surprised, he asks, "What are you doing?"

She explains, "Um... I'm exercising."

He remarks, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when

he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to

investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody **** anymore?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

However, the husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the husband.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," explained the man.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'

(now thats a way to make money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

When I saw this I was ROFL! Check this one out, IT'S WORTH THE READ!:

Another Windows/M$ Joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

God said to Eve as he saw her in the river taking her bath..."GET OUT OF THAT WATER WOMAN!! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."

A newly wedded woman is home alone when her mother in law comes to visit. When the mother in law sees her new daughter she is shocked to find that she is naked. She exclaims "Why are you naked!!!" The daughter replies "I'm not naked, I'm wearing my happy dress."

The mother in law says "You're not wearing anything,,, You're Naked!!!!" To which the daughter replies "NO, I'm not naked, I'm wearing my happy dress. You see, when my husband comes home and sees me like this it makes him extremely happy." "Now I don't mean to be rude, but my husband is coming home in a few minutes and I would appreciate it if you would leave."

The mother in law leaves bewildered but on the drive home she begins to think about what just had happened. So when she gets home she showers, puts on some make-up and takes off all her clothes and awaits her husband.

When her husband arrives his jaw hits the floor "What in the world are you doing woman!!"
His wife responds "I did this for you, I'm wearing my happy dress."
Her husband looks at her for a second then says "Hmm, your dress needs ironing, whats for dinner?"

lol wyer, nice joke but keep such jokes in a hidden post . Meanwhile :

1. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience!

2. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and on others you're the statue.

3. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

4. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

6. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

9. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

10. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.

11. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

12. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

One day Bill Gates drives his boat over any river. Then for any reason he fall of the boat and start screaming "F1 F1 F1 F1. Somebody please F1 me.".

Thank god there was nobody to HELP him. :)

A woman had a female parrot that kept saying: "Hello, I'm very horney. Do you want to have some fun?"
The woman was so frantic that decided to visit a priest to find a solution to the problem.
The priest said: "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her"
So the woman brought the female parrot to the priest and he put the the parrot into the cage with the two male parrots.
The female parrot squawked: "Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?"
So one male parrot looked at the other one and said: "Put away the Bible Fred, our prayers have been heard"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little
horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a
*******?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in
a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
*******. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can
come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom!"


[gloworange]Dr Evil[/gloworange]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Two old pensioners are taking a walk down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old times sake, lets go there again, and we can see if history does indeed repeat itself"

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe a young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners go at it, he gets up and follows them.
Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works, the little old lady slips off her knickers and hitches up her dress, the old man pulls
down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence.
Well what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen, the pace they are going at it is phenomenal, limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second until finally they collapse and don't move for ages.
Well the man is stunned, never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from hisown experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself "I have to know his secret, If only I could s**g like that now, let alone in 50 years time."
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up the courage the young man approaches the pensioner and says"Sir, in all my life, I have never seen anybody s**g like that, particularly at your age - whats your secret? Could you go like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies....

"Son, 50 years ago, that f*****g fence wasn't electrified."

invader, you should have had that last joke hidden. but o well

All blonde girls (do not take this personal please!!!!!!!!!.)It is meant in good faith.

1.There was this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde walking on the opposite bank.”Yoo- hoo she shouts,” how can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river and down the river, then shouts back.” You are on the other side.”

2.A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded at the blonde behind the wheel. Who was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled “, PULLOVER”! NO yelled the blonde back “IT IS A SCARF”!

3.A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence? She replied in a huff,” I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away and now you expect me to show it to you!”

4.A Russian an American and a blonde was talking the other day. The Russian said,” We were the first in space!” The American said,”We were the first on the moon!” The blonde said,” So what we are going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You can’t land on the sun you idiot you will burn up said the Russian. To which the blonde replied” We are not stupid you know, we will go at night”!

Hope you enjoyed it
regards
vanman:)