Call up (Geoff Hoon)

Dear Sir (or Madam),

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
(1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself
on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American
Conflict.

You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will
join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the
2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green Goddesses to
be there themselves.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us
any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were
returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to
make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to
negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you
are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a
nice little £9.99 trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be
necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as
soon as possible:

* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure
Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank,
(Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a
0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is
only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything
going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your
choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows
pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means
testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your
departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films
and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:

* The Guns of Naveronne
* Zulu
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
We strongly recommend that you do not watch Santa Claus the Movie (only
because its 'crap')

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of
Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what
may be involved (minus the mud).

Yours faithfully,

G Hoon, Ministry of Defence.

A Bush-Blair Production Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack of World
War III

lol, i think?
i'm a bit confused- but laughing :)

nice one!

Englishgirl: Where on earth do you dig up this unadulterated crap?????????

LMAO though....... :D

I am lmao!!!!!

Indeed your posts tend to make my days happy ones. Thanx for the laugh.

Cheers ;)

The source of my unadulterated crap.....oh now that would be telling. Actually, I get it the same place I got my husband (online). I have some really strange friends with a stranger sense of humour than me.

R.

Englishgirl: So.... You are saying you got your hubby from the same place you *dug* up your "unadulterated crap"....... OK...... no doubt you call him "treasure"....... :D :p

Husband - unadulterated crap - no! Actually he's very sweet. But I did get him on a mailing list (no, he wasn't part of a hardware sale), the same mailing list where I found my previous three boyfriends (and before you all go rushing looking for single women, I was the only one!) I also found a house, a guitarist and a wedding venue.

Okay, now a joke....

what's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

It's light all day and you can sleep with a light on.

Teheheh

Rachel

<English Voice>
Oh, Jolly Gee Gosh, That was an absolutly Spiffing Joke......
I laughed so much my Cheek-bones have gone Rosey red.
And now for more tea
</English Voice>

Hehe, I read your profile, and one of my friends is JUST like you it's scary.....then again....you like being scary... :D

Nice post

- Noia

Actually Noia, we say "jolly hockeysticks" more than spiffing, but you could try the word "chortle" on for size.....you know several people have said they have friends who are exactly like me. It may be because the english are all in-bred (donning flameproof pants). Anyway - if you think that's scary you should see my "anyone using paperclips in this office will be decapitated....and then sacked" sign (*shameless self-publicity warning* see http://www.antionline.com/showthread...hreadid=240060)

With a bit of luck, reservists called up by Geoff Hoon's "call up" above won't have to do anything.

Otherwise we're all ****ed :)