The Bastard Sys Admin From Michigan #12
Well, it's finally here. I waited this long for a reason. It is 12:00 AM December 22nd, 2003. It has been exactly 1 year since I wrote the very first Bastard admin story that started all this. I worked harder on this one, and it's as long as my penis. You better like this one, it's the first one I ever spent more than 30 minutes on.
As always, reply with what you think about it. So, without further babbling, here it is:
The Bastard Sys Admin From Michigan #12
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BASTARD SYSTEM ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN
#12
Written entirely by: gore.
Blackmail is just a friendly game of “Let’s make a deal”. With that said, let the bastardization commence.
8:00 AM: I wake up early as hell and get some coffee ready. Should be a fun day, I logged into the cache server remotely last night and there are a few emails I think I will bring up.
8:05 AM: Well, it seems a few of the secretaries in the building are expressing there love for one another. They think all email they send is actually kept secret and that no one can read it. A few of the guys on the company swim team have also done the same.
8:07 AM: I think it should be a pretty fun time. I wonder who will be the highest bidder. I drive into work still sipping my coffee and get stuck behind a police officer, who seems to be going slow to annoy me.
The speed limit on this road is 50 MPH; he on the other hand is doing 30. Being in a hurry I pass him to the astonishment of the others no the road. He seems to have that look in his eyes as if he wished he could pull me over.
8:10 AM: I get to work and decide to go straight into my office. I walk in, start the espresso machine, and sit down. Today should be very cool. I fire up my terminal and an extra server I made a few months ago but never used to be sure I have a copy of all of the emails.
I can get away with this because the government wants companies to be able to find every e-mail ever sent on there networks in case someone got into trouble. It’s not invasion of privacy, it’s patriotic!
I send a quick email to the people who are afraid to come out and let them know what’s going on. The bidding starts now.
I get an email about 5 minutes later from a manager who hasn’t told anyone about her enjoying eating from the fuzzy plate. She is pissed that I know and says she will have me in trouble for blackmail.
I send another email to her and remind her that this is not blackmail, it’s just a game of “Let’s make a deal”. She is NOT happy. I reply and also tell her about company policy to have emails easy to find in a secure location. Just like a server in my house running OpenBSD with a few Linux and BSD based firewalls.
She replies and gives in. Looks like I’ll be getting a new laptop again. I remind her that her dignity should be worth a bit more to her and that I want a desktop thrown in too. She replies and tells me that she has saved all of these emails and will be showing the boss the ones about me asking for cash and computers.
Amateurs, I log into her account and use secure delete on all of them in her account and then send her another email. She again realizes what defeat tastes like. I reply again and tell her since she tried to **** me over I now will be making the specs for this new PC.
She is now pissed but complies. I reply with my specs: An Alienware Roswell extreme customized with a full tower Alienware case, Alienware cable management system, Dual Intel Xeon processors at 3.06 GHz with 533 MHz front side bus, 512 K cache, 3GB DDR PC-2100 SDRAM Registered ECC - 2 x 1024MB Module + 2 x 512MB Module, Hard disk is a dual 500GB Western Digital Caviar SE Serial ATA RAID 0 Array.
As for optical drives:
Drive 1:
Plextor PlexWriter Premium 52x32x52x CD-RW – Black
Drive 2:
Plextor PX-708A 8x DVD±R/W Drive – Black
The video card is:
NVIDIA Quadro® FX 3000 256MB 8x AGP w/Dual DVI. I’m sure you are all shocked I picked an NVIDIA card.
Video cooling:
AlienIce™ Video Cooling System with astral blue color effect.
And also I decided to add digital video editing because well, I need a way to piece together all those security camera clips I have and maybe add a few girls to ones with my boss in them.
So for digital video I went with:
Adobe Video Collection Professional.
A $1,200.00 software package.
Sound card:
Creative Sound Blaster® Audigy 2 - 6.1
NIC:
No integrated bullshit here. I went with an Intel® PRO/1000 XT Gigabit Server Adapter.
The machine comes with Windows XP Pro preinstalled but that may not be on for long. But maybe I’ll use the second 500 GB HD for another OS.
I of course just went to Alienware.com and customized one of there professional machines for all of this.
As for monitors:
Display 1:
NEC 30" LCD3000 LCD – Black
Display 2:
NEC 30" LCD3000 LCD – Black
Hey, there only a little over 4 thousand dollars, why not get two right?
For speakers I went with:
Klipsch ProMedia™ Ultra 5.1 500-Watt Speakers.
Conspiracy blue keyboard.
As for a UPS I went with:
Belkin Universal UPS 1200VA
And for when I feel like listening to the Misfits in the office I also had it come with:
Creative® NOMAD® Jukebox Zen NX 30GB USB 2.0
But also MP3 players don’t exactly come with the best of head phones either so I had this all come with:
Sennheiser RS85 Stereo Wireless Headphones with HiDyn Plus.
And just because I wasn’t paying for any of this I decided to have it come with:
Microsoft Wireless Desktop Kit
And some removable storage:
Alienware™ USB 2.0 128MB Flash Drive
Iomega Zip® 250MB USB Zip Drive
For some reason, even though I already have a copy, I have Microsoft office XP professional come with it as well. And also a cool tool for Alienware systems:
AlienAutopsy: Automated Technical Support Request System.
Me being a gentleman, I add up how much this will cost by using the Alienware website. The total is:
$18,321.00
This is of course BEFORE my liquid cooling system.
I email her and show her the list. She of course shits herself having paid less for her current automobile. I reply and tell her since she is giving me attitude I will be adding another machine to this list.
I go to the Sun website and configure a Solaris server and send her that too. I guess her dignity is worth 50 thousand dollars because that’s how much all of this came too. She uses a credit card and pays for all of it and has it sent here for me.
9:10 AM: Well, this days going better than I thought and I’ve only been here an hour! I go to the next one on the line. One of the bean counters has a problem coming out of the closet too. I of course take a rope around his waist and threaten to yank him out in front of everyone.
Just so happens he also works part time at a pharmacy. Happy Birthday to gore! I send him an email listing a few things I want. I want a prescription for Morphine and Vicodin without ANY limit on refills.
He of course quickly complies. This has to be one of the best days ever! Next on the line is surprisingly the CEO of the company. I mail him and tell him what I know about him. I tell him not to worry though. For a 10 dollar an hour pay rise and a low priced $15,000.00 contribution to bastard inc. He can forget about his worries of this getting out.
He e-mails me back and says he just sent the pay rise through bean counter central and also there is a check in an envelope waiting for me in his office. I walk on in and grab my check and make sure my raise can’t be tampered with by locking the database.
9:30 AM: I run to the bank to cash my check and have a little fun. I get 20 dollars in pennies and when no one suspects anything, I drop them all over the counter.
The bank workers all jump for it. A few of them grab handfuls at a time. The manager walks over and asks what is going on and I say I dropped my money and ask for some info on my account.
I logged out the terminal so he has to log in. Knowing the intellect of most managers I know he will log in using his account. He logs in on the Windows machine as administrator and with the password “password”.
Talk about making it hard to guess. Oh well, my mortgage and house is going to be paid off when I get back to work anyway. I get back and send another email to the other person who wasn’t exactly happy about coming out of the closet.
I get another Alienware machine out of them but this time configuring an AMD Opteron processor based machine. It comes out to be $17,774.00. I’m on a roll today!
It’s not even 10 AM yet and I’m already doing well. I hook up a terminal to the electric system of the building for fun later on. I get up and give the bean counters a black out and see what they do on my security camera system.
Most of them run around smacking into each other which is great fun. I made sure to hit record so I have something to send to Bastard funniest home videos this month. The boss runs in and asks what the hell is going on.
I’m an admin, how the hell should I know? I offer him a deal, for a couple grand I’ll go check out the light sockets and see what is going on. He agrees and I walk around for about an hour and then sit back down at my terminal and turn the lights back on.
9:50 AM: I set up an account at the bank using the online banking system. After an Nmap scan of the banks IP range, I see they are running Windows 95 on the server… This is just saddening.
Well for them anyway. I write up a quick exploit and gain access to the system and add a million dollars to my account. Life is good. I look on my network monitoring tool that I built with some friends.
10:00 AM: The boss is looking at a porn site! We can’t have that now right? I walk in his office to say I fixed the lights and he of course freezes up. I add to the pressure of the moment by walking towards his screen and asking for a few things; like new server for miscellaneous storage for example.
He hits the power button on the monitor. That won’t stop me though, when he gets up to grab a paper in his desk I turn it back on and then act shocked. He says he was trying to find something for the medical students that attend a class the company teaches for extra cash.
I tell him not to worry, it’s better than what you usually look at as I grin. He is not amused and asks what I mean. I tell him how I have to monitor all traffic, company policy.
He is not happy. He tells me to either stop or I will be fired. Threats rarely work on me so I go back to my lab/office and mail the CEO with logs from the web cache of the machine my boss uses.
He emails me back and says to close the account because the boss won’t be using it anymore. I watch the boss packing his things up and leaving and think to myself how funny it is.
Right away the CEO hires a new manager though. It could be worse I guess. The new manager looks over a few things and then asks why I ordered a new machine with a 256 MB graphics card.
Instead of saying “Doom 3”, I tell him it’s good because our network monitoring tools sometimes use similar colors and only a good card can tell the difference. He thinks for a second, and then walks off.
He comes back again, asking about the 30 inch flat screen monitor I ordered with it. Well, when you have as many network monitoring tools as I have to look at all day, it’s easier to just have a big monitor than have to keep tabbing them all down.
He says I seem to have an excuse for everything and that he will be watching me closely. Somehow I doubt that. He gets back to his office and I log into his machine and start popping up browser windows with beastiality images.
I hear a scream from his secretary, meaning she probably got the email I sent her telling her the boss wanted to speak with her. Looks like another cover up in bastard candy land. I run in to see why I heard a scream and of course the boss is trying to explain he didn’t do it.
I see my chance and go for it. I tell the secretary there may have been an intrusion in the system by a cracker and that I’ll look at his machine and let her know. She walks away disgusted and I close the door.
I tell the boss I’ll get him out of this but it will cost him. I say “You can either make a deal with me or be without a job”. He agrees to a deal giving me an extra miscellaneous budget of about 2 thousand dollars, and also puts 5 grand in my bank account.
I sure am on a roll today. It must be bastard get rich day. I tell the secretary we had an intrusion in the system and not to worry because I have found the problem. I walk away and everyone is somewhat happy.
I got back to my office and unplug the phone and start up a fresh brew of extra strong coffee. Just as I am about to fall asleep, the net monitor goes haywire. I look up and see we have an attack in progress.
I get up and find the IP for our cracking friend and scan the IP. I start a trace program a friend of mine wrote for me and it traces the IP that showed up on the logs, and then logs into the machine remotely.
I look at the logs on this machine and see another IP has broken into it as well. I scan THAT IP address and see that it’s a Windows ME box and has a DDOS attack in the system processes.
I shut down the DDOS tool and have a message print across the screen reading “Prepare to be owned”. I love a good hack game. I run the usual deltree after stealing all credit card numbers found with my new program “Credit Scan” and then log out.
I post the card numbers to a well known cracking site and continue with my coffee. I get a phone call on my private cell phone and answer it. It’s my aunt that I grew up with. The following ensues:
Her: Allen, someone stole my credit card and my computer is acting funny”
Me: Has it been working fine, then started giving random errors?
Her: Yes, exactly how you said it.
Me: Ah, yes, this is a well known error on your power supply. It’s fairly easy to fix though. All you need is a paper clip. You need to jump the core drivers in your PCI bus electro current mod switch chips.
Dummy mode on.
Her: How the hell do I do that?
Me: Well, comb your hair a few times to help out with the charge and then get a sweater on. Then you want to rub your feet on the carpet for a bit, allowing the electro pulse to rise up. Then all you have to do is stick your left hand in a pail of water to make a safe discharge of the electro field. Then shove the paper clip into the opened vents of the power supply.
Her: Where the hell is that?
Me: On your PC it’s the fan near the top. Just pull the side of the case off. You still have the same PC right?
Her: Yes. Although this started acting up the last time you fixed that other problem I was having.
Me: Yes, I know. If you would have read the manual, you would have found all of this listed in it.
Her: Oh, ok.
Me: Ok, now do you have the side case off?
Her: yes.
Me: Ok, shove the paper clip into the side of the power supply where the opening is. Not where the fan is, but where you can look inside it and see little parts.
Her: Ok, I think I found it. Oh here it is! Thanks for your help…BBZZZZRRRRRRRTT! *Thud*.
Maybe now she has time to think twice about treating me bad. Now I’m in a REALLY good mood! I refresh my coffee and relax for a bit. I decide to have some fun with the lusers and limit all downloads to 50 bits.
This should help the girl in sales who is downloading a CD. I put the phone back on the hook and it rings immediately. I answer and she screams at me that she was downloading a work document and it started going slowly.
I tell her it’s the weather outside. It’s about 20 degrees right now and it is making the wires a bit to cold. I tell her she can help with the problem at hand slightly though. She asks how and I tell her to put the cat5 cables in her mouth so they get warmer.
She thinks for a second and then does it. I ask if she has them in her mouth and I hear a muffled “Yes”. I trace her call and find what room she is in and plug in the wire kill I made at home.
8,000 volts pump through the cable. I tell her to bite down a bit to get to the parts inside the wire. I know she has because I hear what sounds like shooting sparks and then a loud thud. Another happy user, I hang up and sip more of my coffee.
A user runs in screaming about their machine crashing. Well, it has Windows NT and 8 Megs of RAM. The fact it booted up startles me. “Not funny” says the luser. Well, I thought it was.
I walk into the extra space in the machine room I usually call home and invite the user in to see something neat. He doesn’t realize that I walked to the side when I came in and runs in too see.
After falling 15 feet into a basement like surrounding I put the cover back on and walk away, leaving him plunged in darkness. He should be fine; there are plenty of rats down there!
Today sure has been productive! Of course I took some steps to ensure my ass isn’t in any danger by pre recording the security cameras to show the usual normal activity. Aeallison even helped record the part of me helping a luser with a problem.
Anyone that checks the cameras will see nothing but me being the great admin that I am. A quick grep of the email server brings up my name one time. This is unacceptable. I check the email out and it is from a systems manager saying that I have been “A bit of a problem lately”.
This is exactly why I have all email on a timer. The email server only forwards out all the email, and only delivers it, once an hour. I told everyone it was a security issue and that the email server is actually doing a virus scan on all of them before sending to prevent infection.
In actuality all it is doing is giving me time to make sure no one is trying to **** me; Like now. I change the email to read I have been doing a wonderful job and that I deserve a raise.
I hop back on the network monitoring station I set up and see someone downloading a movie. This company does a lot of development, so it has dual T3s running on Fiber Optic cabling for the most part.
And also there is an OC-256 line running for the back bone. Why they have dual T3s AND this OC line is beyond me. But then again, it is fun downloading movies at 13 GB a second.
The company makes software for other businesses and also another section of the company creates hardware components. Beside that, we also have a few classes taught here in random subjects.
I check my personal version of the network monitoring tool and see they are downloading a huge movie. I check for the name and it happens to be a porn film…Coming from the head bean counter’s machine!
I pull his network cable out and put the phone back on the hook. 5 seconds later it rings and I answer. The head bean counter is screaming at me that he was grabbing a file from an FTP server he needed to use in a presentation in an hour.
I check around and realize that there really is a presentation in about an hour and he is giving a demonstration with the CEO involved. I plug him back in and tell him to try now. He says it is working fine now and says how I had better not let this happen again or it will be my job.
I do not like threats. I log into his machine and find the presentation he’s using for the company speech and change a few things around. If he is downloading that porn for the speech, I’ll be sure it is actually involved.
An hour and a half later I get a call from the CEO asking what the hell happened to the slides for the presentation. I tell him I am not to sure really. Apparently, the poor **** was giving his presentation and then it cut into a film clip from “Yes, I will suck you for cash”.
I thought it was funny, but the police and school principles that were attending didn’t find it humorous at all. The CEO tells me to delete his account; he was fired for the presentation.
Just goes to show, when your telling a bastard admin “It will be your job”, it actually turns out to be YOUR job. Isn’t it nice how that works out? I start up another pot of coffee as Aeallison runs in saying he saw the head bean counter coming towards the office.
I guess he didn’t think my joke was funny. There is just no pleasing some people. He asked me to see if I could get more disk space out of his home machine he brought in, and I helped him out.
I found that I could save him a lot of disk space by formatting his HD. He didn’t think it was as funny as I did. I’m not worried though. Since it was not a company machine he can’t do anything about it.
I start drinking my coffee as he walks in with a pissed off look on his face. “That was not saving me disk space you bastard!” Actually it was, I counter. “Well don’t think you’ll be getting away with it! I have a brother who is a cop!
Opportunity knocks.
What’s his name? He gives me his brother’s name and I nod to Aeallison. He knows what to do. Aeallison goes into the police database and finds the officer in question. After grabbing a picture of him he creates an image of the cop with another man…In bed.
He e-mails a picture of the cop to the head bean counter and walks back in the lab where we are still arguing and tells him to go check his mail. He walks out, and 5 minutes later runs back in.
“No! Don’t! He’ll be fired!”
Aren’t you already? What the hell are you still doing here anyway? And after the boss receives that e-mail you just sent him, I really do not think you’ll ever get a job in this town again. The head bean counter’s eyes grow wide. He can see his life floating away slowly.
I Email the police chief the picture of the bean counter’s brother, and Aeallison gets the message from the CEO telling him to close the bean counter’s account NOW. Security is called and we watch the bean counter get dragged away.
Aeallison tells me how much of a bastard I am. Well, I reply, sometimes you have to MAKE things happen.
I tell Aeallison we should play doom to see who has to go do the usual network monitoring we are required to do each day. Half an hour goes by and I stand victorious. I never said no cheating. He walks off to monitor some network traffic as I sit in my chair and relax.
Aeallison has been getting fairly trusting lately. I pop a couple laxative tablets into his coffee and go back to playing my game of Unreal Tournament. Aeallison walks back in and takes a gulp of coffee and asks if I would like to bet money on the match we are about to have.
Sure man! Winner is the one still standing in 15 minutes. He agrees and we start. He puts his money on the table and so do I. After 10 minutes he runs to the bathroom and I kill him off and pocket the money.
Aeallison gets back in and realizes what has happened. “Sorry” I say. How about I take you to lunch and make up for it? “Alright” he says. How are we going to get lunch at this time though? The boss won’t let us leave!
Not to worry, I have a plan! I tell the boss that we need some Cat5e cables to hook up the new router he ordered, and a friend of mine has agreed to give me the said cable needed to use. The boss agrees and thinks what nice young men we are deep down and tells us we can have a few hours overtime for being such good sports, and bringing on things for the company when we did not have to.
Aeallison looks on nervously. “He’s going to be expecting cable when we get back you know” Yes, I know, but not to worry, I took some from the store room last month and updated the database to not show the missing cable. It’s in the trunk of my car as we speak.
Aeallison smiles and we leave. Upon leaving KFC I see they shorted my change by $3.00. This is of course unacceptable and we both agree that something should be done. Well, they made me lose money, so I’ll make THEM lose money.
I grab the drive through head set I stole from a fast food restaurant a few months ago and we drive by the KFC again. I park a block away and turn on my headset. Right away I hear an order being taken.
“Could I have my combo upsized? And then I cut in: sir did you want that **** sized? The customer gasps and drives off angry. I hear the managers flying about the place and trying to see what is going on.
Another order comes up and I take it. The customer wants a combo #7 and I tell them no. they ask why not and I say “Because you sound ****ing stupid” The manager is on in a fly.
Please do not listen to that! Someone is playing on our headsets in the parking lot. I reply saying not to listen to them. The customer gets pissed and drives off. Just then, I notice a couple of employees outside the building looking for us.
I get on the headset again and tell them I can see them and that they will never find us in the blue van we are in. Realizing that there is in fact a blue van in the parking lot filled with older people.
The employees rush the van and throw drinks at it. The elder people get out and start yelling at them and the manager tries explaining, but to no avail. These people are pissed. The manager has to fire the employees on the spot.
I sit and laugh and continue. Aeallison says “you really are a complete bastard!” with a slight hint of jealousy.
December 22nd 2003. 12:05 AM. Thank you everyone for making this entire year of bastardization complete and fun. This story goes out to all of you that read it and begged for more. I thank all of you.
-gore/Allen.
Inspiration:
http://plig.org/bofh/
http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/bofh/
http://bofhcam.org/co-larters/bofh-nutshell/
http://www.bofh.com/
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/30/
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html
http://members.iinet.net.au/~bofh/
http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_1996-2.html
http://www.bofh.net/
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/30/25244.html
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/30/15804.html
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Dedicated to Anti Online and all of the people here that helped me to change for the better, and helped me learn a **** load in the process. I thank you all, and decicate this to you. If I ever take your advice and make all of these into a book, I'll be sure to list you. Thanks again,
-gore/Allen.
Monday December 22nd 2003. :1pumpkin:
