Do this don't do that can't you read the signs?

Mistranslations

The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language.

1. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

2. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

3. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

4. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn **** to right.

5. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Now that's what I call room service! Hehehe!


Yes, I found this on one of my preferred perving sites. It was worth the cut and paste to here.:D

A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

The Und3rtak3r says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy replies: We'll send her home.

The Und3rtak3r then asks why.

The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Two workers are digging a ditch on a hot day. Their boss is up underneath the shade of a tree. The guys start to wonder "Okay, why are we sweating like mad doing this work?" So one of them goes up and asks the boss.
The boss replies: "Oh, that'd be intelligence."
"Intelligence?" the worker asks.
"Here, let me show you." the boss puts his hand on a tree. "I want you to hit my hand with your fist."
Well, the worker winds up and takes a swing. The boss moves his hand, letting the worker punch the tree. "Now, do you see what I mean?"
"Okay."
The worker goes back into the ditch.
"Well, what'd the boss say?"
"Intelligence."
"Intelligence?"
"Yeah. Lemme show you. I'm going to put my hand on my face, and you try to hit it with your shovel..."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff
from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container
that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll
go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up and says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Three nuns die and go to heaven and when they get there St Peter tells them they have to each answer a question correctly to get in.

StP "Who was the first man on earth?"

Nun #1 "That's easy, it was Adam"

The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.

StP "Who was the first woman on earth?"

Nun #2 "That's easy, Eve"

The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.

StP "What were the first words that Eve said to Adam?"

Nun #3 "Gee, that's a hard one.'

The bells ring, the gates open and in she goes to heaven.

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbour, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves. When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill. The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples." :D

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was f**king Goofy."

Erotic Thoughts


Jack was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, and then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

Jack gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then theyll give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he gets an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I fooled you! I lied about the ship!"

Q: What do you call a black guy who flys a plane ?




A: A Pilot you ****in racist

My favorite 3 quotes from bash.org:

Quote:

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#126218 +(4202)- [X]

<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

---

Quote:

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#434593 +(4426)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

---

Quote:

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#412248 +(3962)- [X]

<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified

---

-Wiski C.

A busful of nuns on the way to the convent got into a terrible accident and all the nuns parished.

The line of sisters were waiting at the pearly gates to go to the promised land as each was briefly interviewed by Saint Peter.

To the first nun St Peter says: "Sister Margeret, have you ever touched a mans penus?"
The nun answers that she had once tickled one with her finger. At this St Peter tells her to dip her finger in the holy water and pass on through the gates.

The second nun comes up and St Peter asks her if she had ever touched a mans penus. To this the sister answered that she had once briefly stroked one.
St Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water and pass through to meet her maker.

St Peter is about to ask Sister Jude the same question when suddenly another nun came elbowing her way to the front.
"Sister Jennie, what is the meaning of you barging to the front of the line?"

Sister Jennie replies, " Well, if I'm going to have to gargle that water Im going to do it before Sister Ann puts her ass in it!"

Homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some
beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?"
the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food? the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife. The homeless man
was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I
know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see
what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling,
golf, and sex."