Nuthin' but Jokes

You gotta be Canadian to understand this one...

A newfie calls 911. "Hello, is this the RCMP?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left.

The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

Would you please translate!, I couldn't understand .... ;)

A guy, his Wife and his Mother-in-Law go for a trip to the Holy Land. The Mother-In-Law dies over there.

The Undertaker says: You can have her shipped home for $5000 or have her buried here in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy replies: We'll send her home.

The Undertaker then asks why.

The man replies: 2000 years ago a guy died and they buried him here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

Quote:

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The next day the phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy".

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That was absolutely priceless.. :)
i'd try something like that but i'd most likely get caught..

we wanders of giggling of the thought of how i can get the RCMP to come and mow my lawn..

The nastiest joke I have ever heard! :sick:



Why don't you eat P**sy in the morning?

Have you ever tried to peal apart a grilled cheese sandwich. :chuck:

Oldie but one of my favorites:

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane ?















... A pilot, you racist.

Two jews were haveing an argument about weather black is a colour or not. Jacob kept insisting that black was a colour while sammuel kept insisting that black was not a colour. After half an hour of this they decided to go see the Rabbai.
Sammuel asked the Rabbi weather black was a colour. The Rabbi answered in the affirmative. So sammuel asked weather white was a colour. The Rabbi intrigued answered that white was a colour.
Jacob smiling said see I told you that black is a colour and white is a colour. Sammuel glared and said "I dont care I still don't belive that was a colour Television you sold me"

This is in bad taste but it was told to me by a man from Belfast.

Guy is walking down the street in Belfast when someone steps out of the shadows puts a gun to his head and drags him down an alley.

"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" growls the the attacker.

Thinking quickly "I'm a jew" he says

"**** me", comes the reply,"I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!".

I don't think this needs to be hidden...but let me know if it does...


A farmer hear's a knock on his door. He gets up to answer it to find this rugged, hobo-ish man at his door.
"Excuse me sir, but I couldn't help but notice that in your field out there, you have some Milkweed." I was wondering if you would be so kind as to let me take some of the milk from it." says the bum.
The farmer, thinking this guy is an idiot, says "Sure, go right on ahead and take all the milk you want from the milk weed."
"Thank you so much sir!" The bum runs off to the field.
Later that day, the farmer hears another knock on his door. It's the bum and he has buckets upon buckets of milk. The Bum says, "I just wanted to thank you for letting me have this milk. I thought it would be wrong If i didn't let you have any.

I also wanted to ask if I could get some Honey from the Honey suckle you have out there."
The bewildered farmer agrees, thinking that this must be a joke and goes back to what he was doing.
A couple hours later, the bum returns with gallons of Honey and gives some to the farmer. The farmer is amazed. Then the bum asks,

"I also noticed that you have some Pussywillow out there, and I was wondering if.........."
The farmer interupts and says "Let me get my coat."

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So...as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns
with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their
eyebrows.





"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."

http://img450.imageshack.us/img450/7...mooning2kj.gif

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left"?
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I
like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.... Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I
suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the
cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."


http://whatyoumustbejoking.blogspot.com/
What?You Must Be Joking!

I just heard this one. Best said to a woman, but don't expect anything good to happen.

How do you want your egg? Cooked, baked or fertilized?