The Bastard Hacker from Michigan comes back to life.
Bend down and lick 'em. The Bastard is back bitches.
The Bastard Hacker from Michigan Returns!
November 3rd 2005
Written in Vim
Written by gore
I'm sitting at my house and I can't sleep for the third night in a row. I went to bed late and was very tired, but after 3 hours of sleep, I just can't get back to sleep.
I get up and check my main workstation. No messages. Well, at least the FTP server at work hasn't died yet. Ah hell I can't sleep, **** my boss he can get up too.
I log in and run the back up our idiot "back up" guy can't seem to find, and go get some coffee. Upon returning, it has completed. Probably because the tape device was set to /dev/null by my previous boss when he took my parking spot. Not that I have a car but it pissed me off.
I run a small script on the server and wait. I'm not even done with my 7th cup of coffee when the phone rings. The boss is on the line telling me to hurry up and get in and that he does understand I get paid extra for coming in this early.
Well, I guess rm -rf is magic, I just so happen to need extra cash this week. You just can't plan for things like this. Well you can if you're a dick head bastard.
I get to work and the boss looks very tired, and slightly pissed off. He tells me the night shift can't upload or download files from the FTP server. Strange...
First stop; Jolt / red Bull / Monster BFC....
I get back to work and start reinstalling the server. I would just switch it over to the back up server but I need the money. Job security.
While the OS installs I switch on a game of Doom. After beating it and checking that the server is done, I reboot.
My boss comes in with a mail he found on his desk from the CEO.
The offices in the UK are in need of someone like me and I need to go to the UK offices for a few weeks and document problems with their admin. What the hell vacation is vacation.
I go home to pack up and am just finishing when my ride arrives.
My boss is supposed to escort me, but I don't think he can, not after I put a clock with some wires hanging out in his luggage.
As we arrive at customs and my boss is tied up like a pig and beaten, I get on the plain.
The Bastard Hacker Arives in The UK! Anarchy for the UK, it's coming some time...
I get to the destination and go to my Hotel and wait. I can't quite sleep, mainly because of the redbull coffee mix.
The next day I go to my new Job and meet the CEO and he tells me how bad their admin is. He tells me what my task is and then I leave.
First business, meet the admin.
I walk into the hallway to find the IT department, and ask around. If anyone knows the admin at all here, they don't seem to want to.
I finally find the admin area and call ahead for someone to get the door.
After arriving at the IT area I find a huge office with the letters "S.T." on them. Hmmmm.
I call again for someone to open the door and the admin tells me it's open. I knowing full well what this is, tell him "Would you open it for me?" He can't say no so he lets me in.
Me: "Hi, I'm Allen, I'm here to make your life easier".
Him ".... Simon."
Me : "Simon...?"
Him : "I'm Simon Travaglia, I'm the Admin here".
Me: "Ah, hi".
The staredown that follows could make a horror movie seem like the disney channel.
I speak up:
I'm here because SNMP is being a bunch of ninnys and they hate you. I don't like this place or any other looking like work, so, I have a few questions, please answer them so I can get the hell out of here.
His looks is almost as if he's glad.
First where is the pub, do I need a car to get there, and how long is lunch break?
The BHFM Meets the BOFH! The Birth of the Bastard Sys Admin From Michigan!
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So I'm sitting at work as usual when my boss comes in smiling.
He informs me that my last prank was not appreciated and that another admin is coming from the US to check things out and possibly get rid of me.
A shame that poor lad from the US is going to only get to visit one country before his death, and my boss, of course, is going to be with him.
I start running traffic monitors on hardware in the US from my last visit.
I check the mail server and find who is coming, when he is going to be here and how long he's staying.
Hmmm, Allen, Port Huron Michigan, oh they even have a personality test..."Bloody violent hatred of management types, authority, and the DEA"... Hmmm, perhaps this could be interesting?
I notice the mail server is getting fulkl, apparently when Allen was chosen as the only one who probably had the balls to meet me, there was controversy.
The CEO was pissed because Allen isn't the most responcible person. Just a week ago he had placed an M-90 in the CEOs fish tank blowing a gold fish into his out of the tank and into his coffee.
I already like this guy.
It says he is their main Unix and Linux guy and that staff have started disappearing when he arrived. Definite potential here.
I start up a game of Doom as he should be here soon. IDKFA IDDQD
Let's see you beat me now.
The Bastard Hacker from Michigan
I wait for a few moments before Simon speaks up:
The pub, you mean you would work drunk?
Yes.
And you're not worried I may tell the CEO about this?
No. In fact if my name is typed on any machine here a mixture of scripts are ran, sending the CEO nasty emails and then deleting themselves, and the luser's work.
Welcome to the UK Allen! You any good at Doom?
Hmmm, we sit down and start up a game of Doom, and suspecting he's cheating, I ask if I can pick the level. I pick the level in the first Doom where you can fall over the side, and there is no way out.
I type in IDKFA and grab the Rocket Launcher. I sit and wait where an Imp would normally spit fire at you, and sure enough he runs past. One Rocket Later he's in the pit with no way out.
Pub time yet?
Yup.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all. We arrive at the pub and start talking / drinking. It turns out, this guys is like the Dad I never had and is very similar to myself, just, he was there first.
He could be like a Dad to me....
We talk most of the Night, knowing the boss was asked to go check a slight thermal problem in the basement. IE We both set his car on fire and locked the door on him.
BOFH : I'm going to teach you, make you my student. How about it?
Woot.
coming soon to a post near you:
THE BASTARD SYS ADMIN FROM MICHIGAN RETURNS WITH A VENGENCE.
