French Jokes

O man, these made me chuckle! - No offence intended to anyone here who is french of course!



"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." —General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." —Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." —Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." —Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." —Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." —Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." —P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." —Argus Hamilton

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people." —Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" —Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." —David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

ROFLMAO.....That Google search sums it all up....... :D

Who are you kidding? They should take offence, cause they certainly won't change. The sad thing is these wouldn't be as funny if they weren't so true.

I especially love Chirac's quote, that should be put on their new flag. A white flag with that quote on it, it'd perfect.

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The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France

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My favorites :D

That Google thing still works. Probably why Chirac thinks France should create it's own version of Google.

;)

Lol...I had to keep trying that on Google..and then I found this, figures it was a Canuk who created it..... ;)

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Internet Parody Hands French Military a Defeat
by Richard J. Dalton Jr
Newsday, March 13, 2003

The French always end up as military toast, or so it seems from a search on the popular Google search engine. But a miffed Canadian student is actually behind a prank that says no documents are found in a Google search for "French military victories."

The search brings up a page that asks: "Did you mean 'french military defeats.'"

The French did win some wars. In fact, Google lists about 63,100 pages of French military victories.

But a Web page says no documents are found when searching for "French military victories" using Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, which bypasses the list of search results and jumps directly to the first Web page in the list.

That happens to be a mock-up page of Google, suggesting a search for "french military defeats." The large Google logo at the top tends to distract Web surfers from the address in the Web browser: www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/victories.html.

Steve Lerner, a 22-year-old Toronto student, said he created the page as "a humorous way of showing political opposition against France's weaseling."

Lerner said he received 50,000 hits in 18 hours on Tuesday, before the site went down for technical reasons unrelated to the large volume of Web traffic. He said it will be back up by the weekend or sooner.

Lerner said he managed to make the page the first search result by listing "French military victories" in several key areas. But Google claims its complex search methods make human tampering with search results difficult.

Lerner hasn't heard from Google, and chances are he won't.

A spokesman for Google , based in Mountain View, Calif., had no comment. But the search engine generally turns its back on parodies, recognizing that eventually the pages will be less visible as they fall down further in the search engine's results list.

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parody

Further to the idea that the Google search is a mock up, I give you a condensed version of the French military history :Viola:

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It is said that we should always see the future by learning from the past !!

Have a laugh.........
The military history of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied.

War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but, rather, "How long until France collapses?"

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and this :
Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once" :D

just been found, and de-classified - the proof France WAS going to help in Iraq :

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Subject
Fw: Breaking New from the SKY News
team:

Breaking New from the SKY News team:

PARIS, FRANCE - President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two elite units of French troops to Iraq in the event of war.

Five hundred crack troops from the 2nd Groupement d'Instruction en Abandonment are mobilizing to assist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender.

"The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defense Ministry spokesperson General de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes.

"There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining arrogant, pompous and insufferable requires experience and training. The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly. The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself. The Iraqi performance in giving up without a fight during the last Gulf War was commendable but slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for the next war."

General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1000 advisors from the Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force.

"It is more important to protect their art treasures than to defend their honor," the General pointed out. The General also expressed the hope that Baghdad has some tree-lined boulevards. "It was our experience that the Germans liked to march in
the shade, and we feel the Americans and the British might like that same measure of comfort in Iraq-especially as warm weather settles in this spring."

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How can you always spot a french soldier?

He is the one with sunburnt armpits!

Raise one hand if you like the French .........

Raise BOTH hands if you ARE French :D

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When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

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Sorry couldn't resist :)

ROTFLMAO - Now that is funny!

What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast.

Define confusion.
Father's Day in Paris.

What is the first thing you are taught when joining the
French army? To say, "I surrender" in German.

Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Why don't the French like the fireworks at Disneyland Paris?
Because every time they go off, people start trying to surrender.

Why do the French eat snails?
It gives them speedier reactions.

When East and West Germany got back together there were
talks to relocate the capital city . . . back to Paris.

What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells
better.

http://www.antionline.com/showthread...hreadid=273325

Vive la France


My fav:

Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.

Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.

Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!

Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun

Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.

Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.


An open letter to Chirac published in an Aussie newspaper:


Mon cher Jack

Je suis a bit fromaged off avec votre decision to blow up La Pacifique avec le Frog bombes nuclears. Je reckon vous must have un spot in La Belle France itself pour les explosions. Le Massive Central? Le Quay d'Orsay? Le Champs Elysees? Votre own back yard, peut etre?

Frappez le crows avec stones, Sport! La guerre cold est fini! Votres forces militaire need la bombe atomique about as beacoup as poisson need les bicyclettes.

Un autre point, cobber. Votre histoire militaire isn't tres flash, consisting, n'est-ce pas, of battailles the likes of Crecy, Agincourt, Poitiers, Trafalgar, Borodino, Waterloo, Sedan, et Dien Bien Phu. Un bombe won't change le tradition. Je/mon pere/ mon grand pere/le cousing third avec ma grandmere/la plume de ma tante fought avec votre soldats against Le Boche in WWI (le Big One). Have vous forgotten?

Reconsider, mon ami, otherwise in le hotels et estaminets de l'Australie le curse anciens d'Angleterre - "Damnation to the French" - will be heard un autre temps.

Votre chums don't want that.

Millo.


And to finish off, a little story of a worm and a rabbit..


Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no b@lls. I'd say you must be French".


:D

A few more collected by about.com - no offense intended - well maybe a little:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...chmagazine.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...csurrender.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...harmyknife.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...-frenchmap.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...chsecurity.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...nchwedding.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...ersoldiers.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...nceboycott.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...ndermonkey.htm - this one also has the Simpsons sound byte from Groundskeeper Willie on it! Heh.

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...rmonkeymag.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...armyknife2.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...reestooges.htm - Offensive to Stooges everywhere! Nyuk-Nyuk-Nyuk!

And the favorite around here:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/libr...anceshutup.htm

In all honesty, the only problem is that the French think that they are "French", and that Parisians think that they represent the nation.

Go to Normandy, Brittany, The Camargue..............Marseilles...................real people there folks
:)

Since it is only fair when you make fun of everyone. Here is a video I like.

http://www.funny-games.biz/orgasm-around-world.html

Nokia place close attention to the UK.

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Originally posted here by House929
Since it is only fair when you make fun of everyone. Here is a video I like.

http://www.funny-games.biz/orgasm-around-world.html

Nokia place close attention to the UK.

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Ah ha...You must be from Antartica...Welcome to AO/// :D