ireland declares war on france.

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and
four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

A guy walks into a bookmaker's in Newmarket on Fergus and asks for the odds for Clare to win the all Ireland Hurling.................they had not done so for 83 years.......................the odds were 100:1

So he took IRP100 worth, given that the guy had a 10,000 limit....................

And I married the girl as well :p

But I think that the big guys out in the yard were toads, not frogs?

:D

Clare winning the all Ireland hurling that does belong in the humor section :D.
Lets see you win a 100:1 bet that is nearly miraculous, Clare winning the all Ireland hurling is miraculous and you getting the Girl must have been divine intervention. People have been beatified for less. Guess we shall have to call you Saint Nihil :D

My dear friend,

I got 10,000 Punts (yes, it was back then) and the girl..............wife #3 :D

Next best was Clare v Cork with the big ball...................20:1

They were drunk in Ennis for a week!

:D

OH!.............and my nephew's first serious ride, but I only got twelves there.................

Quote:

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Next best was Clare v Cork with the big ball...................20:1

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That was a fix. Clare should never have beaten us......... the referee porbably placed the same bet.

In real life, the Irish would EASILY be able to invade France. As soon as Irish soldiers - all 14 of them - land in France, the French will surrender.

So Paddy and Seamus go into a pet shop they go to the avian section. Dats dem dere says Paddy, yes I tink you're right said Seamus.

Paddy shouts to the shopkeeper. We'll have four of dese please. Stick em in a bag for us will ya.

Having made their purchase, they take a walk to a very high railway viaduct. Seamus takes two birds. Puts one one each shoulder and jumps ..................................Splat strawberry jam and feathers all over the place .

Fock dat says Paddy if dats budgie jumpin dey can focking keep it

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,





"Miles, from Dublin. :D

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So...
as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as
impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns
with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their
eyebrows.


"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

An old family favorite, from the un-official O'Dalaigh archives:

Seamus Finnegan decides he's leaving Ballymoore and moving to America to make his fortune. His mother is terribly concerned and asks Father Patrick to speak with him.

"So, Seamus. You're going to move off to America and find yer fortune, are ye? Well, let me tell you a story. Let me tell you of Jon Dun. He decided a few years back that he was moving to America to find his fortune. His poor mother cried and wept, begging him not to leave her, but he refused to be swayed, promising he'd write to her and send for her when he was a rich baron of New York; he was going to conquer the market and bring his mother to America to live in luxury with him.

But several years have passed, and no letters have come from Jon. Mrs. Dun has been miserable ever since, and to this day she rocks on her porch, moaning for her John to come home to her.

So you listen to me, Seamus Finnegan! If you go to America, you will write to your mother every week and promise not to break her heart. And if you see that Jon Dun, you march right up to him and tell him to do the proper thing and send his mum a letter!"

Seamus promises that he will do so, and heads to America. He spends several weeks looking for work with little success, but he writes his mother every Sunday. One day he is walking along Wallstreet and see's a large banking building with the sign Dun & Bradstreet.

"Och! That must be Jon's place!" Seamus walks right in, heads to the secretary's desk, and says rather bluntly "Ok, so where's Jon?!?"

"Excuse me sir?"

Seamus replies "Jon. This is his building, innit? Where's Jon?"

"Oh I see. Down the hall to your left, sir. 2nd door."

So Seamus walks down and enters the room, a men's restroom that, being form Ballymoore and never having been in a big fancy bank before, Seamus doesn't quite recognize. A gentlemen is finishing his business at a stall just as Seamus enters.

Seamus looks the man up and down, then demands rather forcefully "Are you Dun?!?"

"Uh...yeah" says the man somewhat nervously.

"Well damnit man, write to your mother!" :D

---
Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here all week. Try the veal. :P

Ok ...I only know one Irish joke ...heard it in the local Irish pub, told by a Brit ...

Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting....They had their guns and dogs and walked for miles with no success. After a few hours they dropped into the pub on the way back and listened enviously to all the other hunters in the pub who had been very successful with hunting ducks...

"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one of the two Irishmen.

His friend thinking a while came to this conclusion...

"Well, I think it's because we're not throwing the dogs high enough."


.C. :D

God returns to heaven after being missing for 8 days. Walking through the gates he meets the arch angel Gabriel who was about to go out looking for him.
God calls him over saying Gabriel look what I created. Pulling back the clouds he show Gabriel a small blue planet floating in the void.
« You see that Gabriel that is the Earth. I just made it and it is perfect. Everything is balanced and in harmony with everything else. Look do you see that continent there ? That is called north america. It is going to be rich and decadent . While that continent below it is call south america and it will be poor and pious. See balanced, harmonised perfect. Look you see that contient over there to the left that will be called Africa and every one there will be black while the contient above it will be called europe and everyone there will be white. See perfect balance and harmony. »
Gabriel is very impressed but he noticed a small green dot in the ocean and ask God what is it.
God says that Gabriel is the jewel in the planet. It is paradise on earth. It is a land of low valleys, green fields, rolling hills and gentle rain. The soil is fertile, the water pure and in the futur the people who will live there will be artist and musicians and will invent a wonderfull drink called Guinness. I call that place Ireland.
Gabriel looks at God saying that sound perfect Lord but I dont understand where is the harmony and balance in all that ?
Two seconds says God I havent told you yet about the dickheads that I am putting next to them. :D

OK, I realize St. Patrick's day has past, but I was too dang drunk to post anything here that whole weekend. I am finally caught back up with my sobriety, so here is my favorite Irish joke:

Quote:

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

---

-Deeboe

So... There's Paddy, in the bar a bit worse for the Guinness and in a clearly bad mood...

He suddenly stands up and begins addressing the patrons...

"See this bar here... Built with my own hands... lovingly and well... But does anyone call me Paddy the Carpenter... Nooooo....

Look... Out the window there... See the ship in the bay??? I built that meself too... I cut the trees down... Built it from scratch.... lovingly and well... But does anyone call me Paddy the Shipbuilder... Noooo...











But you screw ONE sheep......"

what did the judge say to the sheep shagger?


BAAAaaaaaD, Baaaaaaaaad Booooooy,
You muton do that again.