A Few More..

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Jesus! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in some deep sh*t!" :eek:

"Bravery" is . . . arriving home late after a boozy night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

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Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other,
You drive, I'll man the guns!

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A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging".

His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!"

Man says "I was talking to the duck!" :eek:

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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard....was she pretty??"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"

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A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath and the psychiatrist says:
"Ahh, I can clearly see your nuts" ;)

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened.
It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said
"I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh"........... So she socked me a good one.
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable.
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey."
But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

The presidents of Cascade (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), Carlton (Victoria) and XXXX (Queensland) were at an international beer conference in Freo.

They all decide to go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink. The president of Tooheys says without hesitation "I'll have a Tooheys New." The president of Cascade smiles and says "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water!". The Carlton president proudly says "I'll have a Carlton, the King of Beers!". The bloke from XXXX glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a diet coke."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "Well if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

They say there are only two states to be in, Pissed and Queensland. Who says we're an hour behind!

A man and a woman, who have never met before, and are both married to other people, found themselves accidently assigned to the same sleeping berth on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in
the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed."Good," she replied.

"Get your own f#@king blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a
dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do
wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro
"What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond. He asks the pro, "What
did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says
to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when
we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time,
what is 'loft?' "

The pro says, "Lack Of ****ing Talent.

Cleaning out my email

heres one

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Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of his crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down.....


And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #$%&^*%," She screamed at him "How could you be lying! to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

MLF

Yet another

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Subject: Beware !


Gentlemen,

This just happened to me so I wanted to give you a “heads up” to look out for it. I was the victim of the latest scam now occurring in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back seat and then they both start begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rubs her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.

This is when they steal your wallet! I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday...

Thanks,
Rick

MLF

MLF that last one was funny.... f2b, let me ask you where do you find all ur jokes?

Quote:

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Originally posted here by The Texan
MLF that last one was funny.... f2b, let me ask you where do you find all ur jokes?

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I get a heap off them in my email account from friends. I get heaps sent, but i usually just post my favourite one's here..