More then 1 inside..

Different Religions.

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man
says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet
as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different
religions, But why must I be quiet when I pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Catholics are in Room 8, and they think
they''re the only ones here."

Corporate joke.


One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.

What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry,we have rules... " And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well I never thought I would say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff....."

Two nuns had been misbehaving and to give them time to think about their sins they were sent to paint a large room in the convent. It was made clear to them that if they got any paint on their clothes the punishment would be quite harsh.

Since they were alone in the room and the door could be locked from the inside they decided to take off all of their clothes to keep it from getting stained.

As they were both painting the room completely naked there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" - they required.

"Blind man" - was the answer from outside the door.

They decided that there could be no harm in letting a blind man in the room, since he would obviously be unable to see them.

So they unlocked the door and as the man entered the room he said:

"Nice jugs, where do you want these blinds"? :eek:

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is
heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!! "
he said.

The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I
try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says
"You IDIOT, You're sitting on the mop bucket.!!!! "

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from near Medway,Maine.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said..

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me To the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." :eek:

God


On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”
Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Marriage..

1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: That’s true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Con***ius says: man who sinks into a woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
19. “I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
20. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE.” “WHAT HAPPENED?” asked his friend. He says “MY WIFE FOUND OUT.”
23. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER?” The other replied, “YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.”
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!

Old Preacher..


An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Speeder..

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and he enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the
back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour
late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the
carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big
boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on
home."

"Okay, boss."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young
fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

An old outback postie is due to retire and takes his young replacement along on the mail run to get him familiar with deliveries.

They drive up a dirt track to a farmhouse, The old postie tells the young guy to leave the mail on the kitchen table.

The young guy enters the farmhouse, and puts the mail on the kitchen table, as he turns to leave he hears strange noises coming from the loungeroom.

He takes a peek through the door and sees a man and woman,
The woman is holding an alarm clock in one hand and playing with her **** with the other.
The guy is sitting in a chair pulling himself and holding an umbrella.

The young guy runs back to the van to tell the old guy what he's just seen, the old guy says 'Don't worry about it they're deaf and dumb ... She's just telling him 'It's time to milk the cows' and he's sayin 'Go and get f***ed, It's raining outside'

Magic Sandals..

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.


The Indian then began screaming,
"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

Old Man ...

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."

The doctor replied ... "My point exactly." ;)

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to
stop and picnic. The first blonde says,

"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of
the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the
tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other,

"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"


The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"


The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture

Rancher
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
“Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He did.
“Now take off my skirt.” He did
“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!” ;) :eek:

Well...here are some I got today..coupla oldies...but goodies ;)

Quote:

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Marriage Part 1 to 5 Marriage Part 1 to 5

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
And I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be
home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand

That there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether
you're here or not."


(DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)


************************************



Marriage (Part II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:



"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"



(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


******************************


Marriage (Part III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)


******************************************


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


(RIGHT ON, LADY! )

**************************************



Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realize that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where
he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

---

MLF

MLF, I must say some of those I hadnt heard and they did make me laugh hopefully when the time comes to get married they wont make jokes out of mine! :)

Texan one thing not to forget : Marriage is like one long meal only the dessert is served first.