Glad my arms are not shorter..
"Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !" — Woody Allen in Annie Hall.
"The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you." — Woody Allen.
"Woman: — You are the greatest lover I have ever known.
Woody Allen: — Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own."
"Anything more than three shakes is for fun."
"If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."
"Sex is like anything else; if you want it done right you have to do it yourself."
"One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand." — Robert Reisner.
"Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." — Thomas Szasz.
"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, masturbation is better than sex."
"Her name is Palmela, she has five fingers and if I sit on her for 20 minutes I can call her a stranger."
"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it." — Truman Capote.
"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." — Emo Philips.
"If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone ?"
"Abstinence /n/ NICE word for loser."
"It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum." — Robert Baden-Powell, British soldier and founder of the Boy Scouts. Referring to masturbation.
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me." — Tallulah Bankhead.
"Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not really sure what it means."
"What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day ? No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, because I want to put it on my resume." — Damon R. Milhem.
"The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me."
"Compulsive masturbator on board... check your windshield wipers." — Bumper sticker.
"To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'." — Bumper sticker.
"— Stop that son, you'll go blind !
— I'm over here dad..."
"The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said: "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!'"
"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only ****ing yourself."
"Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy... I came all over my girlfriend's face. Man, was she pissed when she woke up..."
"As I fill out the job application and get to the part about 'Sex: F or M', I never know which to choose — I really like to 'F', but spend most of the time alone 'M'-ing." — Tony J. Podrasky.
"It's important to pay close attention in school — for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter." — Damon R. Milhem.
"The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just one consenting adult."
"...It's like dating a nymphomaniac who can suck the *** out of your dick without even undoing your fly, and then being forced to go back to yee olde masturbation ritual of warm mayonnaise in a sock." — Nikolaus Maack.
"The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is bloody marvelous. I've only had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes you mute, at least until you finish it."
"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." — Bart Simpson
"The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on."
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter." — George Carlin.
"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure."
"Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get ****ed."
"Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed."
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." — Lilly Tomlin
"When you have a cut, you have to leave it alone and let it scab over so it can heal, right ? So when a 14-year-old guy has a cut on his penis, that cut can be there until he's 27." — Adapted from Loveline.
http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Quotes...l#Masturbation
And for the gals..
WHY VIBRATORS ARE BETTER THAN REAL SEX
- Vibrators don't have problems with gas ... Nor do they hog the remote ... Nor the computer!
- We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
- Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when it tires.
- Position is your choice, not his.
- You don't have to suck it.
- It works "while" the sports games are on.
- It always is hard.
- It doesn't leave a mess behind.
- You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
- It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
- It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
- You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
- You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it the next morning.
- You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!
- They don't get tired after the first time.
- They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
- They never drink too much and embarrass you.
- You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!
- Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
- Safe sex without a rubber.
- Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is.
- Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.
- You don't have to put up with the ****, just turn it off when you get done with it !
- As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!
- Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!
- Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!
- They never ask how they were.
- They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
- You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
- You don't have to stroke its ego.
- They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.
- It doesn't leave a wet spot.
- You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed it.
- It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard
- It has no problem finding the "g spot."
- You know exactly where its been.
- Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/...ibrators.shtml
