A young lady in the maternity ward just,
prior to labour, is asked by the midwife
if she would like her husband to be present
at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies"

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby
on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the
young woman.

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but
I must warn you before you see her that the
baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I'm not surprised, I was
very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere
to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie.
The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," say the midwife, "that's really
none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to
ask you these awkward questions but I must also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes, I'm not surprised at this either" the girl
again replies, "you see another co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really
none of my business and I hate to pry further but
your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes, I imagine it has," continues the girl, "there was
also a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby
and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds
to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts
crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to bark."


Jim walks into a bar and sees his friend Joe slumped over the bar. Jim walks over and asks Joe what's wrong.
"Well," replies Joe, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I told you I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jim, with a smile.
"Well," says Joe, straightening up. "I finally worked up enough courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jim, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continued Joe, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape out of my car and taped my privates to my leg, so if I did get a woody, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Jim.
"So I get to her door," says Joe, "and rang her doorbell. She answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Joe slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.


A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks : "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."