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Thread: Security Death Squads

  1. #1

    Security Death Squads

    We all heard about Chairman Bill's tough stance on security, so too clarify his position I present you with :

    Gates Announces Security Death Squads
    By Wil Wheaton

    Redmond, WA- Amid revelations that Windows XP is filled with security holes, making it easy for virtually any 15 year old to seize control of a machine running the recently released operating system, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates today maintained that Windows XP is, indeed, the "most secure operating system, ever."

    Framed by the mighty trees and dwarfed by a large Windows XP flag, rippling in the Redmond breeze, Gates this morning defended Microsoft's claims.

    "Windows XP is still the leader in security, for both home, and business users," Gates began. "We at Microsoft believe firmly in the importance of computer security, and we recognize that the number one threat to security are not the individuals who attack insecure systems, but, rather, the individuals who publicize security holes in the first place. If people would just learn to remain quiet, these evil hackers wouldn't know of any insecurities, and your computer would be safe."

    "Contrary to popular belief, we here at Microsoft take security very seriously," Gates said, his voice growing grave. "We envision a day when all systems are secure, and issuing security patches and updates is a distant memory, like the Amiga. In pursuit of that goal, I am announcing today, that Microsoft will be dispatching 'security squads', who will travel the world, seeking out the evildoers who would disclose vulnerabilities in operating systems, and disposing of them with eXtreme Prejudice."

    Gates then turned the microphone over to Microsoft's new Chief of Security, Gunther Goebels.

    "Let this be a warning to everyone within the sound of my voice: if you attempt to discover and disclose security holes within any Microsoft operating system, you will be dealt with, accordingly. We will stop at nothing to ensure that XP users continue to enjoy a safe, secure and private computing experience."

    Goebels then revealed the first Blue Squad Of Death, or BSOD. As the blue-jacketed men marched across the lawn, Goebels announced, "Make no mistake. You are either with Microsoft, or you are with the hackers."

    ps...If this has already been posted, I apologize...but this was too good not to share.

  2. #2
    Hi mom!
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Wil Wheaton, isn't that the guy that played Wesley on StarTrek:TNG, or am I way off? I remember reading an interview with him on slashdot, last summer... oh well...
    I wish to express my gratitude to the people of Italy. Thank you for inventing pizza.

  3. #3
    Priapistic Monk KorpDeath's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Yeah it is. Too funny. Just coincidence I'm sure.

    Satan, santa, same letters in their names, both are rarely seen, both wear red, coincidence; I think not.
    Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it.
    - Samuel Johnson

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Microsoft chairman Bill Gates today maintained that Windows XP is, indeed, the "most secure operating system, ever."

    well.... how many people would like to laugh at that statement now?
    BTW id love to hear how many sploits theres been for XP already if people would like to start postin the names of the current ones

    [shadow]i have a herd of 1337 sheep[/shadow]
    Worth should be judged on quality... Not apperance... Anyone can sell you **** inside a pretty box.. The only real gift then is the box..

  5. #5
    wow...good eye...I didn't even notice that...the spelling is the same.. I wonder if it is him??

    Just for good's another one I found...equally as funny...

    Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

    Redmond, WA - Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. "We've been after Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal."
    Before the purchase, Microsoft already had 15% of the evil market, now that number is closer to 100%. The Department of Justice has voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and has begun investigations into the deal.

    "We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated it into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop," said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Businesses haven't been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office 2001, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity."

    "Evil is a real growing market," market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch said today. "Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we'll see the same with evil."

    "I've been dealing with Microsoft for some time," Lucifer said. "I've been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their "Evil Everywhere" plan and that was an offer I couldn't refuse."

    Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has come in the past five years with the development of the internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newpaper.


  6. #6
    Hmmm, death squads. Makes you wonder how far the government would bend over backwards for that...........
    I just keep my Windows partition around so I can mount it like the b*tch that it is.

    Windows has detected that your mouse has moved. Please reboot.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    Jan 2002
    I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and weird." - Abe Simpson

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    The new TNN series: Internet marshalls

    "There been some hackers in these parts, but that's all gonna change. The law is here now, and I'm gonna clean up this OS. Miss Kitty, get me a cup of Java."

  9. #9
    ROFLMFAO!!!!! That's funny as hell.
    I just keep my Windows partition around so I can mount it like the b*tch that it is.

    Windows has detected that your mouse has moved. Please reboot.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2002

    Wink Oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I have XP Pro or 2000 Pro on all my machines save one. One of my servers has Linux (The only decent secure server platform I like) on it. I had better arm myself and lock the doors before the jack booted MS stormtroopers kick my door dow..............*^%(&&*%*^)(*E$#$@#$*_(&&_&&) Oh no, god no !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hear they are now...<crash boom bang> they have my door kicked in <sounds of machine gun fire> help me they have a gun to my Pinguins Head. <blam> Help me! I'm wounded (&(*%%$$#^%@@%^^ Oh shi()&)(&()&)($#%%^^^ I've been hit, I'm going down.....The injustice.........Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <Silence as Tux gasps for his last breath of air> Ugggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
    The COOKIE TUX lives!!!!
    Windows NT crashed,I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

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