Jokes 4 Thursday

[jcdux]

Received by email (among all the spam) so no credits for the source.

Enjoy anyway.

J.



"I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that
I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the
bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were
people in the shed taking things.

I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in this
area to help at this time, but they would send someone over
as soon as they were available. I said OK, hung up, and
waited one minute, then phoned the police back.

"Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were
people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've shot
them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in
the area, an Armed Response Unit, the works. Of course, they
caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I
thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with "I thought you said there was nobody available!" "

__________________________________________________


Some genuine announcements made by tube drivers on the London Underground:
**************************************************
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind
you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you
are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and
smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a
bin on wheels"
**************************************************
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen; this is due to a passenger masturbating on the
train at Edgware Road.
Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from
the train."
**************************************************
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the
bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday
and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let
down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you
to work and back home each day and not even a card. "The bad
news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between
Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't
reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I
won't reverse back up the line - simply get
out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In
the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man
in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off:
"Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
**************************************************
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his
elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further
information as soon as I'm given any".
**************************************************
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on
the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it
again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close...
"Thank you."
**************************************************
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just
wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll
be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty
quickly...usually in bits."
**************************************************

_______________________________________________

The mind of a six year old is wonderful.

True Story:
One day the Primary School teacher was reading the story of
the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of
the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the
building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[valhallen]

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy S*#!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Thanx very much jcdux - due to you and that joke everyone in the library is now staring at me >_<; damn my loud laughter ahhhh what would thursdays be without jokes keep em coming

v_Ln

[jcdux]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy
mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous
set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the
first; no one has ever touched these breasts." Next, she takes off her
panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one
has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies,......

"Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

[jcdux]

Last joke 4 today..

J.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[Noia]

Thanx, Now da teatcher in my IT class know that I was not "working on my Powerpoint" (she's so daft....)

- Noia

[SSJVegeta-Sei]

One day, an elementary school teacher walked into class. As she began to prepare for the day's lessons, she saw the word "penis" in tiny, chalked letters along the bottom of the board. Hastily, before the children arrived, she erased it. The day's lessons went smoothly, and none of the children looked guilty, so she forgot about it by the end of the day.
The next day, when she walked in, she found "penis" written on the board again, but this time a little bigger than before. She grabbed a brush and rubbed it out. Throughout the whole day, she scrutinized her students carefully, but she could not tell which of them, if any, had written the vulgar word. Every morning for the next week, when she came into her classroom in the morning, she found "penis" on the blackboard, each day a little bigger. Each day she took the brush to it, and each day she tried harder to find out which student had done it, all to no avail.
Coming in the following Monday, she had already resigned herself to her fate. However, when she walked into the classroom, she found something different written on the board:

"THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!"

She never found the culprit.

SSJVegeta-Sei

[zion1459]

LMAO! damn, it's hard laughing while concentrating on reading and without waking the sleeping ppl in the next room. lol