Afternoon jokes - enjoy

[intruder]

hello everybody .. just sharing some jokes with u .. all..
hope u like it...



"SIX AFFAIRS"

THE FIRST AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure
enough,nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father
rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to
see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could
be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around
on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

***********************************************************************

THE SECOND AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this - it has
to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's unit. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


***********************************************************************

THE THIRD AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of
milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass
of water."


***********************************************************************

THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.

The bartender replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

***********************************************************************

THE FIFTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"

***********************************************************************

SIXTH AFFAIR

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner
one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms-Honey, MY Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,
etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he
said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."


Four Catholic Women are having coffee together, discussing how
important
their children are.

The first on tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say,'Your Grace.'"

The Third Catholic women says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first
three women give her the subtle "Well....?" she replies, "My son is a
gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say, "My God!"



thanks for reading .....

intruder

[obione1]

hehehe funny....... heres one............ there were 2 irish men that were caught by the enemy in a war , the sgt come in and told the 2 fellows to go out into his vegi garden and pick 100 of there favourt fruit, after 20 minutes 1 guy comes back with 100 grapes , the sgt tells him to drope his draws , ( im going to stick these grapes 1 by 1 up ur backside and if u happen to laugh or make a noise im going to kill u ) ,, then the sgt starts , in goes the first , then the 20th , still no noise by the man, 40 , 50 , 60 , it comes to the 99 th grape and the guy just start laughing his head of. THE SGT says ( why , why u only had 1 to go ) the man turns around and says ( i couldnt help it my mate outside is picking WATERMELLONS.................

[JCHostingAdmin]

lmfao. Those are funny! Anyone have anymore?

[prodikal]

intruder u never fail 2 give me a laugh with these

[Info_Au]

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDs?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. Do you know why those Palestinians finally gave up at the church of the navativity?
A. The priests were starting to molest them.

Q. What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A. A homo-sex-y'all.

Q. You hear about how Linda Lovelace died?
A. She blew right thru the windshield.

Q. Did you hear about the car that ran into Linda?
A. It was a Hummer.

Q. How did Linda Lovelace's fans take the news of her death?
A. They were all choked up.

Q. How did Linda Lovelace react to her death?
A. It was hard to swallow.

Linda Lovelace to St. Peter: "I'm dead? Gee, that sucks."

Layne Staley meets Kurt Cobain in the afterlife...
Layne: I figured I'd meet you here.
Kurt: So did I. It was a no-brainer!

Q. Whats the difference between Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley?
A. About twelve days

Robert Blake was very happy being arrested last week. It was the first booking he has had in eight years!

[cyb3rn3tik]

lol. Here's one. This is a true story...
My best friends cousin got a new laptop from his father a few years ago. He was in college, and took it around with him on campus. He always carried it in a 'waterproof' backpack. One day it was raining, he had no umbrella, and was forced to walk home to his apartment in the rain. When he got home, he pulled out his laptop, only to discover that it was wet. He called his dad and said "Dad, dad! My laptop's wet!" His father sarcastically advised "Well, maybe a good microwave will dry it off." Then he hung up. A few minutes later he got another call from the cousin. "Dad! Now my laptop's making funny popping sounds and it's sparking!" "Why?" "I microwaved it just like you said and it didn't work!"

That was a true story, I've even met this cousin, and think he's actually stupid enough to microwave a laptop........I just feel sorry for his dad...

[intruder]

heheeh .. if he is that stupid then he must not be carrying laptops.... hehehehehe

thanks everybody for the appreciation...

[fr0z3n]

intruder that first one was good...!

[blow]

Everybody is posting jokes so here is another one
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney rips a $1000 bill in half and throws it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina brags, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

[thesecretfire]

Any particular reason this is in GCC and not the tech humour forum?