Got any good jokes?

[-=Hells-Spawn=-]

NIce jokes guys Thats Funny

[mrcoffee12]

well, this may not be funny to some of you, but its a real life joke. my friend keeps saying 'I am one of the elite' and so i said, 'oh, so your l337?' and he stares at me with a blank look on his face until i realize hes a moron and explain it. another laugh at the same guy, he 'uses' mIRC but when i just called it IRC he had no idea what i was talking about.

a small amount of knowledge can do a large amount of damage...

[gilgalad]

I think you may like this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hunters were walking through a forest looking for the trophy buck. After a few hours, they began to realize that they are hopelessly lost.
The first hunter, Jim, turned to the second hunter, Bob.
"Bob, how are we going to get back to the truck?"
Jim replied, "Bob, try firing a shot in the air, maybe someone will come out here and find us."
Bob fired a shot into the air, and the hunters waited. After an hour, still no one responded to their distress call. Bob fired a second shot into the air, and they waited a little longer. Still no hope of being rescued.
"Bob, maybe you should fire one more shot in the air," said Jim.
Bob replied, "I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Well Jim, I just ran out of arrows."

I know it's corny, but when I heard it, it about killed me.

[Trust_Not_123]

i was going to place this post as hidden, but i figured it doesnt have any explicit content in it other than the one that materialises in your own mind, but when i saw it i pissed my self laughing. so...


A married couple returns to the same hotel room where they had spent their honeymoon forty years earlier.

The wife takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, and spreads her legs.

The husband looks at her and he begins to weep uncontrollably.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"Forty years ago," he says, "I couldn't wait to eat it, and now..."

"Now?" she asks.

"Now, it looks like it can't wait to eat ME!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Johnson enters the gynecologist's examination room, and then disrobes.

During her examination, the doctor remarks, "Your vagina is the biggest I have ever, ever seen."

When she arrives home later that afternoon, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down.

Just then, her husband walks in early from work. Surprised, he asks, "What are you doing?"

She explains, "Um... I'm exercising."

He remarks, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when

he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to

investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Red Riding Hood was talking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother, when suddenly a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!" "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it! Doesn't anybody **** anymore?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

However, the husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the husband.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," explained the man.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company.'

(now thats a way to make money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While waiting for the final voter recount in Florida, media services questioned the two major presidential candidates today. Both agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.

The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.

Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media presents Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.

In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual inuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

[JagFire19]

When I saw this I was ROFL! Check this one out, IT'S WORTH THE READ!:

Another Windows/M$ Joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

[firestarter5]

God said to Eve as he saw her in the river taking her bath..."GET OUT OF THAT WATER WOMAN!! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."

[Wyer]

A newly wedded woman is home alone when her mother in law comes to visit. When the mother in law sees her new daughter she is shocked to find that she is naked. She exclaims "Why are you naked!!!" The daughter replies "I'm not naked, I'm wearing my happy dress."

The mother in law says "You're not wearing anything,,, You're Naked!!!!" To which the daughter replies "NO, I'm not naked, I'm wearing my happy dress. You see, when my husband comes home and sees me like this it makes him extremely happy." "Now I don't mean to be rude, but my husband is coming home in a few minutes and I would appreciate it if you would leave."

The mother in law leaves bewildered but on the drive home she begins to think about what just had happened. So when she gets home she showers, puts on some make-up and takes off all her clothes and awaits her husband.

When her husband arrives his jaw hits the floor "What in the world are you doing woman!!"
His wife responds "I did this for you, I'm wearing my happy dress."
Her husband looks at her for a second then says "Hmm, your dress needs ironing, whats for dinner?"

[invader]

lol wyer, nice joke but keep such jokes in a hidden post . Meanwhile :

1. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience!

2. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and on others you're the statue.

3. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

4. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

6. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

7. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

8. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

9. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

10. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away two weeks before you need it.

11. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

12. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

[Iaio]

One day Bill Gates drives his boat over any river. Then for any reason he fall of the boat and start screaming "F1 F1 F1 F1. Somebody please F1 me.".

Thank god there was nobody to HELP him.

[-DaRK-RaiDeR-]

A woman had a female parrot that kept saying: "Hello, I'm very horney. Do you want to have some fun?"
The woman was so frantic that decided to visit a priest to find a solution to the problem.
The priest said: "Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her"
So the woman brought the female parrot to the priest and he put the the parrot into the cage with the two male parrots.
The female parrot squawked: "Hello, I am very horney. Do you want to have some fun?"
So one male parrot looked at the other one and said: "Put away the Bible Fred, our prayers have been heard"