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Thread: Resumes: The guide to what you probably shouldn't say

  1. #1

    Lightbulb Resumes: The guide to what you probably shouldn't say

    a "teeny" bit long

    Cover letter: "I am very interested in the account stuff position."

    Unfortunately, we just filled that position.

    Objective: "So one of the main things for me is, as the movie 'Jerry McGuire' puts it, 'Show me the money!'"

    You don't beat around the bush, do you?

    Cover letter: "I am sure you have looked through several resumes and cover letters with the same information about work experience, education and references ... I am not going to give you any of that stuff."

    Can't wait to see what we'll get instead.

    Skills: "I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home."

    Good to know.

    Resume: "I'm willing to travel threw out the states if necessary."

    We'll throw you a line if we have any openings.

    Qualifications: "Provided quality service in each job, starting with my first paper route at age nine."

    So that's why we found your resume on the porch ...

    Objective: "Assertive, self-motivated and goal-oriented individual seeks a position that utilizes my computer training and experience and/or bartending skills."

    That's quite a mix of talents.

    Cover letter: "If at any point you do not buy this message, take my cover letter and resume, rip them up, throw them in the garbage bin and do not forget to spare me the 'We will keep your resume on file for three months.'"

    No problem.

    Qualifications: "I am able to show up at the office on time, not only during the first week but also after a year of employment."

    And after two years?

    Objective: "To hopefully associate with a millionaire one day."

    We'll keep our fingers crossed for you.

    Qualifications: "I am properly licensed to operate my vehicle. I have only one offense on my driving record (speeding ticket)."

    Sounds like you're ready for the fast track.

    Cover letter: "I invite you to browse through my resume and offer me an opportunity within your team."

    Thanks for the invitation.

    Accomplishments: "The Marines is and probably will be the biggest accomplishment I've ever had, even though I wasn't able to join."

    Glad to see you were able to work around it.

    Skills: "I have technical skills that will take your breath away."

    We're waiting ...

    Qualifications: "I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you."

    We'll tell them you said so.

    Cover letter: "I can provide verification that I legally changed my name in July of 1998."

    Now we're curious & what did you change it from?

    Objective: "I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup."

    That's a tall order.

    Preferred name/nickname: "Phone Book"

    We'll give you a call.

    Objective: "To work on interesting projects."

    We'll do what we can.

    Duties: "Word processing, phones and running errors."

    Looks like you missed one.

    Job duties: "Created brilliant presentations."

    And modest, too.

    Application: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."

    OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

    Cover letter: "My previous job provided me with a strong look into network administration, but no actual training."

    You had a window office?

    Strengths: "I am very used to working with thigh schedules."

    That "tight" schedule didn't leave room to check for errors.

    Cover letter: "Please, please, please hire me for this job. I will be waiting by the phone."

    Don't wait too long.

    Experience: "Computer games tester (still reigning Tetris champion)."

    Is that a challenge?

    Qualifications: "Twin sister has accounting degree."

    Send her in!

    Cover letter: "I speak several languages, and I am very handsome."

    And modest, too.

    Summary: "An accomplished professional with deliberate experience in project management."

    At least you didn't just stumble into it.

    Experience: "Have not yet been abducted by aliens."

    How long have you been waiting?

    Objective: "I am seeking a second job to supplement my income and support my shopping habit."

    We may have a job for you in purchasing.

    Cover letter: "What interested me about this job is that it's with a prestigious company (my friends would definitely approve)."

    Glad to hear it.

    Resume: "Important note: Resume adjectives and job descriptions have not been altered despite labor market conditions. I have not embellished my resume nor changed it except to incorporate additional details and in some instances to delete wordiness."

    May we suggest some more editing?

    Skills: "Read, write, speak, and think fluently in German, French and Spanish."

    Centavo for your thoughts?

    Skills: "Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years."

    Could you elaborate?

    Cover letter: "Even if I don't get the job, it's OK. It's worth putting in the time and effort writing this resume."

    We're glad we could oblige.

    Objective: "I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness."

    We'll get back to you.

    Interests: "Cake decorating I, II and III."

    Can you bring samples?

    Interests: "Tournament Scrabble player, amateur stand-up comic and 'Jeopardy' hopeful."

    I'll take humorous word games for $1,000.

    Interests: "Avid mystery reader."

    We'll try to keep you guessing.

    Personal: "Excellent health, except for ingrown toenail."


    Personal: "Weight: 165 pounds - without money in my pockets."

    And you'd like us to add some pounds?

    Personal: "Classical Capricorn."


    Experience: "My friends call me R-E-G-G-I-E, and that sums up my work experience."

    We're still scratching our heads.

    Goal: "To make money, and be the camel that squeezes through the eye of the needle."

    Could be a very tight squeeze.

    Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

    That's what we're afraid of &

    Cover letter: "After perusing my resume, I am looking forward to hearing from you soon."

    If you don't mind, we'd appreciate the opportunity to peruse it ourselves before we get back to you.

    Cover letter: "If I get my degree, I'll be suitable for anything."

    That must be some education.

    Resume: "It is my professional objective to obtain a position which allows me to make use of my commuter skills."

    I think we can oblige.

    Education: "I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more."

    That "educatin" was evidently more moderate than you realized.

    Education: "Bachelor of engineering. Passed out in top 2 percent."

    Hope someone was there to catch you.

    Education: "Have repeated courses repeatedly."

    There's something to be said for perseverance.

    Salary requirements: "The higher the better."

    Sure. Why not?

    Salary desired: "Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job."

    Any interest in what we need?

    Salary, benefits and other requirements: "$90,000 per year plus agreed-upon performance bonus. Four weeks vacation and 10 paid personal days. Company-paid life and health insurance. First-class airline and hotels when traveling on business. Realistic expense account. Office with windows, secretary."

    Is that all?

    Bad traits: "I am very bad about time and don't mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare."

    We already do.

    Position desired: "Sales rep. Satisfying customers and making sure customers are satisfied."

    From the "department of redundancy department."

    Weaknesses: "Suffer from *****ly heat in summer."

    Sounds uncomfortable.

    Personal: "I believe in what studies have shown - that nap times each day increase employee productivity. I wish to work for a company that provides for this."

    Hard or soft mattress?
    Objective: "To obtain a position with the skills in hence the skills I already inquire."

    Say again?

    Education: "Suspected to graduate early next year."

    Maybe you should let us know when you're sure &

    References: "Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don't know their phone numbers."

    We might need a bit more to go on.

    Work experience: "Two years as a blackjack and baccarat dealer. Strong emphasis on customer relations - a constant challenge considering how much money people lose and how angry they can get."

    Was hazard pay an option?

    Interests: "Magic and fortunetelling (call for a free reading)."

    How much will the interview set us back?

    Cover letter: "In closing, let me outline the experiences I've been able to endure."

    Sounds painful.

    Reason for leaving: "Boring! No money! Hated it!"

    Now tell us what you really think.

    Cover letter: "I do not seriously feel I am readily employable. While this statement does not fit well into potential employment situations, my belief is that complete disclosure is the only reasonable approach."

    Thanks for fessing up.

    Personal: "I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do."

    We employers have the same philosophy.

    Objective: "To obtain an entry-level position after I get my beachler's degree."

    Will you also have a minor in surfing?

    Objective: "Student today. Vice president tomarrow."

    Not so fast &

    Cover letter: "I am enthusiastic and people like me."

    From the Stuart Smalley Career Counseling Institute.

    Objective: "To grow with a company that maintains a FIRST CLASS culture."

    We'll try to measure up.

    Accomplishments: "Graduated in the top 70 percent of my class."


    Accomplishments: "Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team."

    Can't wait to see what you do for the annual meeting.

    Objective: "A position that allows me to keep my sanity."

    Seems like a reasonable request &

    Objective: "I want to increase my career goals."

    Don't let us stop you!

    Cover letter: "Enclosed is my resume for your viewing pleasure."

    We can hardly wait.

    Personal: "I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking."

    That's seven words.

    Objective: "To broaden my computer skills and decrease my use of antacids."

    Have you tried tech-support?

    Application: Why should an employer hire you? "I bring doughnuts on Friday."

    Let's talk!

    Cover letter: "I am hoping to improve my skills working with other people. I also have good social skills and work well with others."

    Sounds like you're of two minds about your qualifications.

    Achievements: "First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982."

    Outstanding &

    Objective: "I am looking for a change of scenery."

    Have you tried the theater?

    Skills summary: "I constantly strive to learn knew things."

    We "new" you could do it.

    Cover letter: "I am an accomplished executive assistant who is ready to become the executive."

    When can you start?

    Reason for leaving: "Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."

    We're glad you're not bitter.

    Special qualifications: "Performed in a local production of 'Oklahoma!'"

    We'll be sure to give you star treatment.

    Cover letter: "You are privileged to receive my resume."

    We'll try not to let it go to our heads.

    Cover letter: "Although I am seeking an accounting job, the fact that I have no actual experience in accounting may seem discouraging."


    Qualifications: "I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis."

    Will you need a leash?

    Special skills: "I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."

    Have you considered writing song lyrics?

    Experience: "Watered, groomed and fed the family dog for years."

    Did watering help him grow faster?

    Reason for leaving last job: "Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state."

    Does accounting truly interest you?

    Cover letter: "I'll starve without a job, but don't feel you have to give me one."

    Nothing like a little guilt.

    Experience: "I eat computers for lunch."

    He might be "byting" off more than he can chew.

    Requirements: "You must provide my dogs with mineral water."

    Does it have to be sparkling?

    Qualifications: "I am meticulate about derails."

    With the possible exception of spelling.

    Cover letter: "I can play well with others."

    We'll be sure to tell your mother.

    Cover letter: "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

    Thanks for the warning.

    Personal achievements: "I love doing all forms of dance, including salsa, ballroom and hip-hop."

    We might need you at the end of tax season.

    Objective: "To mature in the field of human behavior."

    Good luck with that.

    Qualifications: "Hire me, I have great hair."

    Guess that makes you a "model" employee.

    Experience: "10 years of experience in financail budgiting and transactions rigistering."

    But limited experience with the spell-check function.

    Experience: "Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed."

    Thanks for clearing that up.

    Education: "1994 - Moron University."

    We hope that's a typo.

    Personal: "A wonderful son and two delicious grandchildren."

    We're not that hungry for details.

    Accomplishments: "Raised over $6,000 for an organization by sitting on a commode."

    There is such a thing as "too much information."

    Cover letter: "Please overlook my resume."

    If you insist.

    Objective: "To become Overlord of the Galaxy!"

    Oh, sorry - we just filled that position.

    Objective: "To be employed at a wage above the poverty level."

    We'll do our best.

    Objective: "What I'm looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money."

    So you're motivated by money?

    Hobbies: "Mushroom hunting."

    Are they hard to catch?

    Cover letter: "I'm submitting the attached copy of my resume for your consumption."


    Experience: "Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes."

    Probably best to stick with graham crackers and milk.

    Salary requirements: "$42,000, $45,000 annually."

    Do we get to pick?

    Cover letter: "I am applying for this position to offer the perfect environment to demonstrate my many different talents."

    We can't wait to see the atmosphere you bring.

    Office equipment experience: "Stapler."

    Did you find it tough to master?

    Cover letter: "I am extremely detailoriented."

    I'm afraid we're not convinced.

    Skills: "Grate communication skills."

    Yes, but can you talk and chop at the same time?

    Goals: "Now: Get the job. Later: Keep the job."

    It's good to aim high.

    Experience: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."

    Seems kind of harsh ...

    Experience: "Twin brother has accounting degree."

    Can we have his number?

    Cover letter: "If you hire me, I will return you a big surprise."

    We can't wait.

    Objective: "My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can't do that, I'll settle on being an accountant."

    Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

    Objective: "Be important."

    At least your priorities are straight.

    Awards: "National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes."

    Can't wait to see you at the office holiday party.

    Cover letter: "Salary demanded - $65,000."

    Would you like that in small, unmarked bills?

    Personal: "Rabid sports fan."

    I hear there's a vaccine for that.

    Heading on stationery: "I'd Break Mom's Heart to Work For You!"

    A real family man.

    Weakness: "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

    We'll save this resume for later.

    Cover letter: "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

    Thanks for the clarification.

    Cover letter: "Long-term plants: to pursue my master's degree."

    It's one of his perennial goals.

    Skills: "Filing and finding customer information."

    That second step is always key.

    Cover letter: "After consideration of my situation from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."

    A little expert guidance is always good.

    Cover letter: "I had strong interpersonal and communication skills."

    What do you have now?

    Cover letter: "I'm able to bring nobility to any firm."

    Applying for the "knight" shift?

    Resume: "I am a 'neat nut' with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime."

    If only he'd found the space bar on his keyboard.

    Experience: "Provide Custer Service."

    And what did the customers think of that?

    Resume: "Reasons to hire me: My references have great things to say about me."

    Should we take his word for it?

    Experience: "I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."

    Sounds like you may be going in circles.

    Qualifications: "The eye-catcher about me is that I'm definitely a people person!!!"

    I'm sure you're turning heads all over the place.

    Work history: "I expect the unexpected so nothing shocks me."

    So what we have to say won't come as a surprise?

    Thank-you letter: "Name on letterhead: "Sam Mevlin"
    Signature: "Sam Melvin"

    Would the real Sam please come forward?

    Skills summary: "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

    But can you do payroll with one hand tied behind your back?

    Strengths: "Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

    Would that be Mozart or Beethoven?

    Education: "B.A. in Loberal Arts."

    Did you minor in ear piercing?

    Cover letter: "I've updated my resume so it's more appalling to employers."

    We're pretty shocked already &

    Cover letter: "Please disregard the attached resume - it is terribly out of date."

    OK - next!

    Work experience: "Set up entire offices including furniture, lighting, computers, filing cabinets and office procedures. Also have a flair for floral arrangements and catering."

    Do you do drywall and plumbing?

    Skills: "Operated Pitney Bones machine."

    Was that in a kennel?

    Cover letter: "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy and expertise."

    And an awful lot of alliteration, apparently.

    "Personal: "Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company."

    When you own the mortgage company, do you get a better rate?

    Cover letter: "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."

    Glad to hear it.

    Work experience: "Responsibilities included checking customers out."

    And then did you rank them on a scale of 1-to-10?

    "My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

    And bonuses "tied to" your shoe size?

    Cover letter: "Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."

    It's Gumby!

    Cover letter: "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so."

    Do you take requests?

    Work experience: "Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks."

    What did you do with the money?

    Cover letter: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

    At these extremes, some things are best left unsaid.

    Educational background: "Highschool was a incredible experience."

    But apparently not an incredible learning experience.

    Cover letter: "I like the perk of company cars."

    Does that mean you're driven to succeed?

    Resume: "A great management team that has patents with its workers."

    Are you a "trademark" employee?

    Work history: "My manager dismissed and blackballed me in the industry."

    So I guess you won't be listing her as a reference?

    Objective: "Obtain a position that will exploit my potential."

    Be careful what you wish for ...

    Accomplishments: "Grew an impressive vegetable garden."

    We hope your career flourishes as well.

    Cover letter: "My top motivator is MONEY. If asked to choose between a professional desk job and one sanitizing a barnhouse that pays more, I'm headed for the farm."

    The dark side of career management.

    Cover letter: "I only drink Pinot Noir (no other comes close) and my preferred snack is smoked salmon."

    You may find our vending machine somewhat unsatisfactory.

    Accomplishments: "Flunked CPA exam with relatively high grades."

    That's quite an achievement.

    Cover letter: "The blue chip ultra corporate experience I gained was invaluable if not irreplaceable."

    Your last job will surely be a tough act to follow.

    Cover letter: "I have searched far and wide for an employer who is energetically inclined."

    Sounds like an uphill battle.

    Cover letter: "I'm the best accountant you're ever going to find. If your company doesn't want to pay for the high quality, don't call."

    Thanks for the tip.

    Experience: "Part-time office work, when I had time and work."

    We needed that clarification.

    Experience: "I was involved in every aspect of the business, including office administration, customer service and cadaver preparation."

    You have given "multi-tasking" new meaning.

    Objective: "Secure a position in a large firm as receptionist, PBX operator, manager, owner or accounts receivable clerk."

    At least you're leaving your options open.

    Cover letter: "Experienced in all faucets of accounting."

    That should help with the flow of information.

    Employment history: "Short stints with various fast food restaurants."

    Were you comparing secret sauces?

    Cover letter: "Please see how your enclosed resume will meet the job requirements."

    We'll be sure to call ourselves for an interview.

    Experience: "Currently unemployed due to self-inflicted toe sprain."

    The downside of trying to get your foot in the door.

    Personal: "A scholar of life and mishaps."

    And which expertise do you plan to apply here?

    Cover letter: "My qulifications include close attention to detail."


    Cover letter: "I'm often described as out going."

    So you want to be incoming?

    Objective: "Desire a career as a trainee."

    Life's a never-ending learning curve!

    Cover letter: "My work history is outlined on my enclosed resume. As you can see there isn't anything too impressive about it."

    Thanks for the heads up.

    Reason for leaving: "My employment ended due to lack of work."

    Yours or theirs?

    Cover letter: "Prefer to work alone in maximum privacy."

    A true team player.

    Objective: "To learn new skills and gain training which will help me develop my new business."

    Your dedication is touching.

    Experience: "Worked party-time as an office assistant."

    So a full-time job might really wear you out ...

    Cover letter: "The interview you schedule will undoubtedly reveal my unmatched talent and suitability for the position."

    Uh, don't count your chickens ...

    Cover letter: "Very experienced with out-house computers."

    Where'd they find an extension cord that long?

    Accomplishments: "Overcame procrastination."

    Glad you didn't wait to tell us.

    Experience: "Assistant Professor - thought accounting and finance."

    So you were the "ideas" person?

    Cover letter: "I am fascinated by the ever-changing mosaic of mankind and feel I can therefore help your firm."

    Um ... could you elaborate?

    Cover letter: "At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to applying for your position."

    We're honored.

    Cover letter: "Any break in employment was not intentional."

    Uh-oh ...

    Objective: "I am anxious to use my exiting skills."

    So you want us to show you the door?

    Reason for leaving: "Maturity leave."

    Now that you're all grown up, what do you want to be?

    Major achievements: "Coordinated 1996 Sales Fair, and lost 75 pounds."

    Hope you passed on handling the '97 event!

    Cover letter: "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

    We feel your pain.

    References: "I have over 30,000 national references available upon request."

    Great ... could you just advise them that we'll be calling shortly?

    Additional skills: "Able to whistle while pretending to drink water at the same time."

    If we need to liven up those staff meetings, we know who to call.

    Experience: "Born into newspaper publishing."

    Special delivery!

    Cover letter: "But wait & there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of finance that is second nature."

    If I act now, will you throw in a set of kitchen knives?

    Work history: "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

    Did she leave a forwarding address?

    Reason for leaving: "Was held at gunpoint and nearly eaten by a giant rodent."

    Say no more.

    Personal: "I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut."

    That's reassuring ...

    Cover letter: "I am challenged creatively and professionally on all levels."

    Yes, but do you have time for this job?

    Education: "I am studding business management."

    Sounds like you're one "cool dude."

    Experience: "Implemented a sound system of accounts receivables and collections."

    Was that surround sound?

    Cover letter: "I am a hustler."

    A trip to Las Vegas with you is out.

    Objective: "To maximum my skills."

    At minimum, please proof the next draft of your resume.

    Addressee: "Robber Half International"

    That's one way to steal our identity!

    Cover letter: "This is the first time in my long and impressive career I've had to actually seek work."

    It happens to the best of us.

    Personal: "Weight: 165 lbs. Plus heavy accounting skills."

    Can you bench press a 10-key?

    Resume heading: "Career objection."

    Overruled. Case (and candidate) dismissed.

    Cover letter: "Willing to relocate 'N-E' where."

    R-U sure U wouldn't rather D-sign license plates?

    Cover letter: "I think I would be great in the position of bookkeeper in a nutshell."

    How well do you work in an office?

    Work history: "Left job because disciplinary actions were taken for showing up late."

    Good to know.

    Resume: "The Best Resume Ever Created!!!"

    Thanks for pointing that out & we might never have known.

    Cover letter: "Dear Sir/Modem."

    There's such a thing as spending too much time in front of a computer.

    Cover letter: "Due to the large number of job offers impending, please label all correspondence 'Employment No. 1734.' It's the only way I can keep them all straight."

    Perhaps you'd like to go ahead and evaluate those other 1,733 offers.

    Resume: "Assets: MS in computer science. Liabilities: Over-educated. The more I study, the more I become aware of what I don't know."

    They say ignorance is bliss.

    Job duties: "Filing, billing, printing and coping."

    It can't be that bad.

    Cover letter: "I'm looking for a challenging, fun, fulfilling job and a paycheck. (If the pay is good, I'll get the fun and fulfillment outside of work.)"

    Sounds like a plan.

    Education: "College, September 1880 - June 1984."

    Must be a tough curriculum.

    Application: "Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking."

    And will you be having dinner or just cocktails?

    Cover letter: "The bulka of my experience is in banking."

    So you hava wealtha knowledge ...

    Cover letter: "Insufficient writing skills, mentally slower than I used to be. If I am not one of the best, I will go on and find another opportunity."

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

    Reason for leaving: "Terminated after saying, 'It would be a blessing to be fired.'"

    You never heard, "Be careful what you wish for?"

    Objective: "I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights."

    We hope your career takes off!

    Experience: "I have lurned Word Perfect 6.0, computor and accounting progroms."

    But has yet to master the spell check.

    Personal: "My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando's proximity to Disney World."

    We'll see what we can do.

    Reason for leaving: "Unintentionally embarrassed a co-worker."

    We won't ask &

    Other: "1881 - 1995: Spent my time teaching, working in construction, being unemployed, painting houses, and going to school for computer science."

    That's all in 114 years?

    Job tasks: "Supervised employees, scheduled shifts, maintained financial records and ate pizza three times a day."

    I suppose eating pizza for every meal would be a task.

    Personal: "Excellent at people oriented positi9ons and organizional problem solving."

    But not so good at proofreading.

    Qualifications: "I'm a lean, mean, accounting machine."

    It's robo-accountant!

    Achievements: "I have a current passport."

    This certainly puts your resume on top.

    Background: "28 dog years of experience in sales (four human)."

    Let me guess, you require three poodle months of vacation.

    Cover letter: "I never take anything for granite."

    I think we're already off to a rocky start.

    Resume: "I have a lifetime's worth of technical expertise (I wasn't born - my mother simply chose 'eject child' from the special menu."

    Was someone there to catch you?

    Cover letter: "To Home-Ever it concerns."

    We'll forward it right away.

    Resume: "Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve."

    Is this where the oranges remain until they're ripe?

    Objective: "My position will have pleasant surroundings, a reasonable salary, low pressure, not require me to bring work home and good benefits."

    Sure thing. When can you start?

    Qualifications: "I don't run with scissors."

    We're not sure if you're "cut out" for the job.

    Objective: "If you don't hire me, I'll eat a bug."

    We hear they're auditioning for the next installment of "Survivor."

    Cover letter: "You need me like a general needs soldiers."

    At ease.

    Hobbies: "I can juggle and use power tools."

    Not at the same time, I hope.

    Professional experience: "Dynamic, solutions-oriented professional with over 20 years' teaching experience in torturing."

    Let's hope she meant "tutoring."

    Cover letter: "I was made to be the perfect employee."

    Against your wishes?

    Objective: "Explain company frige benefits to employees."

    Food for thought ...

    Qualifications: "I'm worth investigating."

    You can count on a background check.

    Experience: "Eager beaver, ready to learn it all."

    A+ for attitude, but we may need a bit more to go on.

    Objective: "Employee."

    Could you be a little more specific?

    Qualifications: "I have extensive experience with foreign accents."

    Any knowledge of the languages to go with them?

    Work history: "Unemployed for the past year by choice. Lounging to continue my education when economically feasible."

    All that "lounging" could explain the unemployment.

    "I am looking for a stationery position."

    Plain or monogrammed?

    Position desired: "Profreader."

    It doesn't look good &

    "I am fully aware of the king of attention this position requires."

    Definitely not the "king" of proofreaders.

    References: "Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference."

    All the more reason to call &

    Education: "Moderate educatin and a willingness to learn."

    Let's start with spelling.

    Experience: "Worked successfully on a team of one."

    I assume you all got along.

    Salary required: "To be paid enough to buy a better house than I and my family currently live in, which has four bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths, and a fenced yard. Inflation must be taken into consideration."

    We'll get right on it.

    Current salary: "$36,000. Salary desired: $250,000."

    Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Objective: "To be able to make banana bread and share it with co-workers."

    With nuts or without?

    Education: "My GPA was hmm & errr & sorry I forget."

    Must not be worth mentioning &

    Education: "My GPA at night is 3.0."

    Yes, but what is it at 8 a.m.?

    "Attached is a graph of my salary history."

    They say it's all in the presentation.

    "Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant."

    Guess he wasn't that heavy.

    Desired job type: "employee."

    I think we'll need a bit more to go on.

    Work history: "I have many tears' experience in sales."

    But you stayed with it, and that's what counts!

    Work history: "Salesperson (31 hours only)"

    We hope your next position lasts a bit longer.

    Accomplishments: "My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."

    So you were more productive while sleeping...

    Qualifications: "I am superior to anyone else you could hire."

    And more modest, certainly.

    Requirements: "I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

    No corporate jet?

    Experience: "Fluency in five languages has given me an international personality."

    Which one will you be bringing to the position?

    Experience: "I have eight jears fo experience."

    We can see you didn't waste any of them learning to type accurately.

    Cover letter: "Strong ability to meet deadlines (just-in-time)."

    I see you enjoy life on the edge.

    Education: "High school just bored me."

    Will you bring that same enthusiasm to the job?

    Extracurricular activity: "I played soccer in elementary school."

    If our company advances to the World Cup, we'll let you know.

    Career: "I have worked with restraints for the past two years."

    We'll try not to keep you too tied up.

    Personal history: "Most of my free time was spent getting sunburned at motorcross races."

    Thankfully, there's no risk of sunburn in your cubicle.

    Accomplishments: "I hold a 149 I.Q."

    Where are you holding it?

    Experience: "County Hospital: Registration of patience."

    Must come in handy in the waiting room.

    Name: "Nora (Nora is my full, legal name. I have a one-word name."

    Should make for an interesting background check.

    Special skills: "Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."

    We hear the coffee house down the street is hiring &

    Cover letter: "Please see how your enclosed resume will meet the job requirements."

    Well be sure to call ourselves for an interview.

    "I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation."

    So I guess your co-workers are royally impressed.

    Interests: "Shot at the local gun club."

    Next time, you might want to stand behind the bullet-proof glass.

    Cover letter: "If I am hired for the position, I hope you will give me an office with windows. Im not very productive if I cant see the sun and flowers."

    How productive are you with a computer and desk in full view?

    Thank-you letter: "Thank you for taking the time to beet me for an interview."

    Lettuce say it was our pleasure!

    Previous experience: "Self-employed  a fiasco."

    Definitely to the point.

    Experience: "I have unsuccessfully raised a dog."

    Let me guess & His bite is worse than his bark?

    Job duties: "Made coffee (early Java experience)."

    But do you do Windows?

    Experience: "My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience."

    Is your dad available for an interview?

    Annual salary requirement: "-$10."

    Does that mean you'll be paying us to work here?

    Education: "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."

    The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.

    Experience: "Notcha Normal Bean Counter."

    "Wouldja" say you're a "notch-a-bove"?

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    i spent my the whole of my chemistry and english period reading this in the last bench
    though this was more interesting than what my teacher was telling in class.i liked it good one
    The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.

  3. #3
    ahh no.. don't go reading jokes while in class.... damn it..

    I'm gonna find your teachers and report you..

    get back to work.. you MUST have homework that you didn't finish...

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    i never have homework that i have not finished
    my eng teach bores me tells the same thing again and again
    The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do.

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