A Vampire bat flies in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parks himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. All the other bats, who hadn't had any luck that night, gather around and hassle him about where he got it.
He tells them all to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persist until he finally gives in.
"Okay, follow me," he says and flies out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a velley they go. across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slows down and all the other bats excitedly mill around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asks.
"YES, yes, YES!!" the bats all scream in a frenzy.
"Good," says the first bat, "Because i F**KING didn't."


A Guy at a local golf course is paired up with another single player for a round of nine holes and as the game progresses they become quite friendly.
"So what is it you do for a living?" The first guy asks.
"I'm a hitman," replies the other.
"Your joking!"
"No, i'm not," he says and pulls out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight."
The guy says. "Can i take a look? I think i might be able to see my house from here."
"Sure," says the hitman and hands him the rifle.
"Yeah, i can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, i can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, Ha. I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The Bitch!" He turns to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars each time i pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Surem what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife in the mouth so i don't have to hear her lies anymore. Then the neighbour. He's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot he's D**K off to teach him a lesson."
The Hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"ARe you going to do it or not?" the guy says impatiently.
"Just a sec," the Hitman says calmly, " I think i can save you a grand here."