Found these on my travels. should have used them earlier. favourite for me is
America always seems to find the humour in the darkest of days, long may it continue.

"The Rules of Combat"

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4. The easy way is always mined.

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6. Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

15. When in doubt empty the magazine.

16. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23. Five-second fuses only last three seconds.

24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.


"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."
David Letterman

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster Video; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno

"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
Jay Leno

"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President George W.Bush has learned all their names."
Comedian Argus Hamilton

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
Jay Leno

People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport a bit earlier."
Jay Leno



Hey Osama!!!

"To those who are fighting and bombarding us, they should understand the
Afghan man is a fighter willing to die for jihad."
-- Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar

"I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his
country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his
-- General George S. Patton

Reuters on the word 'Terrorist'
Apparently concerned about the misinterpretation of language at this
highly charged time, Reuters's head of global news, Stephen Jukes, has
directed his staff to avoid the word "terrorist" in describing those who
flew airliners into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center. "We all
know that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter," Jukes
said. We have learned from not necessarily reliable sources that the
following memo, which we have not bothered to authenticate, was
subsequently circulated to all Reuters bureau’s:

FROM: Chief, Reuters archive

TO: All archive staff

In keeping with the spirit of the recent directive from our global news
head, all archived Reuters stories are to be revised to eliminate
judgmental language and maintain strict moral neutrality. Among the
changes we will be making:

• No more "Jack the Ripper" references. London's most famous mystery man (the term "murderer" is no longer acceptable) will henceforth be
referred to as "Jack the amateur tracheotomist and abdominal surgeon."

• The word "assassin" will not be applied to John Wilkes Booth. He will
be described as "an actor who briefly visited President Lincoln's box at
Ford's Theatre."

• The phrase "Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor" will be replaced by
"an unannounced Sunday morning aerial tour of Oahu's coastline by
Japanese pilots."

• The Khmer Rouge will no longer be identified as "genocidal
guerrillas." Their new modifier is "forceful farm labour recruiters."

• "Truck bomber" will be deleted from all references to Timothy McVeigh
and will be replaced by the descriptor, "the man who left a vehicle
containing volatile cargo in a no-parking zone."


Weather Report
The weather in Afghanistan tomorrow is expected to be sunny in the
morning with increasing mushroom clouds in the afternoon. The
temperature looks to be a moderate 2000 degrees with cool winds
upwards of around 700 miles per hour.

It will definitely be a day for the sun block, and it wouldn't hurt to shake
the dust off the ol' lead suit in the closet. If you're planning on venturing
outside in beautiful Afghanistan tomorrow, don't forget to drink plenty of
fluids such as barium which shows up nicely when blasts of radiation
flow through your body.

Most of all, have fun out there in dusty Afghanistan and enjoy the old
country while... well, while it's still there.


Valentine's Day
Little David came home from first grade and told his father they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asked,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David said.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?", his father asked in shock.
"Well," David said, "I thought if a little American Jewish boy could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think we're not all
bad, and start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did
and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swelled and he looked at his boy with new-found pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David said, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the **** out of him."


Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing... yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52... F-16... B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and Osama Bin Laden?
A: There will be a Christmas in December

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed classes on the
same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it

Q: How many Bin Laden terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one may ever know.

Q: What's orange and looks good on Taliban militiamen?
A: Napalm.

Q: What do you get when you cross a B-52 bomber and Osama Bin Ladin?
A: an expensive fireworks show

Q: How do you clear an Afghanistan bingo hall?
A: Yell B-52 as loud as you can

Q: How does a member of the Taliban have safe sex?
A: They put a red X on the camels that kick.


Quote of the Week

To those extremists that perpetrated this crime against our nation ... I
have news for you. We're more f_cking nuts than you, and it should scare
you shitless.
You may think that when you die for your cause, you go to Paradise with
72 virgins, can leave reservations for 70 members of your family, all
your sins are forgiven, and you sit at the side of Allah. Big deal. We
had 39 guys who rented a Beverly Hills mansion, cut off their nuts,
built a web site, and proceeded to poison themselves to death to hitch a
ride with aliens out on the Hale-Bopp comet.

-- excerpt from "Only a Crazy Person Picks a Fight With Someone Who's Nuts"
by Laurence Simon

( the entire article is online at )



What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid, naïve, hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying
there should be, "no retaliation."

2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just
cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6) When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a
mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be
awful and he should not cause more violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is
necessary to punch back.



Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell
him about it...

"I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and
over every building and home was a banner," said Saddam.

"What was on the banner?" asked Bush.

"LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN!" answered the Iraqi President.

"I am so glad that you called", said President Bush, "because I, too, had
a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever,
totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful

"What did the banner say?" asked Saddam.

"I don't know," answered Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."



To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

(a) Norwegians from Ballard
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train mission
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:

(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

Hmm... Nope, ain't no patterns here!