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  1. #11
    An old outback postie is due to retire and takes his young replacement along on the mail run to get him familiar with deliveries.

    They drive up a dirt track to a farmhouse, The old postie tells the young guy to leave the mail on the kitchen table.

    The young guy enters the farmhouse, and puts the mail on the kitchen table, as he turns to leave he hears strange noises coming from the loungeroom.

    He takes a peek through the door and sees a man and woman,
    The woman is holding an alarm clock in one hand and playing with her **** with the other.
    The guy is sitting in a chair pulling himself and holding an umbrella.

    The young guy runs back to the van to tell the old guy what he's just seen, the old guy says 'Don't worry about it they're deaf and dumb ... She's just telling him 'It's time to milk the cows' and he's sayin 'Go and get f***ed, It's raining outside'

  2. #12

    Magic Sandals..

    Magic Sandals..

    This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

    So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

    The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.


    The Indian then began screaming,
    "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

  3. #13

    Old Man

    Old Man ...

    An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

    When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver."

    The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."

  4. #14
    There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to
    stop and picnic. The first blonde says,

    "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

    The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

    They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of
    the road.

    All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the
    tree to keep from hitting them.

    The one blonde says to the other,

    "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

  5. #15
    A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

    After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"


    The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"


    The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

    "That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture

  6. #16
    Rancher
    There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
    A gay guy applied for the job and was hired. He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher’s wife said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
    However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher’s wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off”, she said. Trembling, he did as she asked.
    “Now take off my boots.” He did so, slowly.
    “Now take off my socks.” He did.
    “Now take off my skirt.” He did
    “Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
    “Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down.
    Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

  7. #17
    AOs Resident Troll
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    Nov 2003
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    Talking Marriage Part 1 to 5

    Well...here are some I got today..coupla oldies...but goodies

    Marriage Part 1 to 5 Marriage Part 1 to 5

    Marriage - Part I

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
    the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
    And I don't expect any hassle from you.

    I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be
    home for dinner.

    I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
    buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

    Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand

    That there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .......... whether
    you're here or not."


    (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)


    ************************************



    Marriage (Part II)



    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
    anniversary!
    The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:



    "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

    "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

    "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"



    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)


    ******************************


    Marriage (Part III)



    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
    Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
    and storms out of the house.

    After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
    rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated
    husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!"


    (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)


    ******************************************


    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

    proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
    spite of her objections.

    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
    home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

    He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
    back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


    (RIGHT ON, LADY! )

    **************************************



    Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realize that the next day, he
    would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
    flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
    wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where
    he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
    had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
    hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..The paper
    said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests
    MLF
    How people treat you is their karma- how you react is yours-Wayne Dyer

  8. #18
    AO's Resident Redneck The Texan's Avatar
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    MLF, I must say some of those I hadnt heard and they did make me laugh hopefully when the time comes to get married they wont make jokes out of mine!
    Git R Dun - Ty
    A tribe is wanted

  9. #19
    AO Guinness Monster MURACU's Avatar
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    Texan one thing not to forget : Marriage is like one long meal only the dessert is served first.
    \"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.\"
    \"The reason we are so pleased to find other people\'s secrets is that it distracts public attention from our own.\"
    Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)

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