And now for something completely different ...

[SarinMage]

no its not its very much alive

[THE-OMEN]

Is it an ex-parrot


http://www.intriguing.com/mp/_scripts/petshop.txt

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I

purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's

wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking

at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian

Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if

you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!



(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up

in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)



C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues

stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.

That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour

ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'

tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit,

squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,

and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in

the first place was that it had been NAILED there.



(pause)



O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down,

it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and

VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts

through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased

to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft

of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be

pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off

the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run

down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!



(pause)



O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're

right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: <pause> I got a slug.



(pause)



C: Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?



O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!

[BrainStop]

BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.


MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!
[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

And here's the WAV:

[THE-OMEN]

All hail John Clease (and whatever you dont dont mention the war 'silly walk')

[Tortured Spirit]

Thanx Braindump and Omen....
I needed that.

Cheers